The World Will Always Love Telling Us How We Are Inferior

I don't normally feel very inferior but lately I feel like everything I try to do is just going to lead to me falling short. I've been trying for over a year to get another job just to earn some money so I can actually, you know, SURVIVE! I then made a decision to work on getting some foreign languages under my belt and trying to get a degree in becoming an Interpreter/Translator.
But when I tried to asking the College I was planning to attend for the degrees they basically shot me down with the reminder that I don't have a high school diploma. I felt instantly torn down and I was left feeling upset, then I felt jealous when a friend got her call for her mission to Japan. A mission is a two year or 18 month service, that a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints serves in order to spread the word of Christ and his gospel.
So why am I jealous of my friend going a mission to Japan? Well you see back when I was younger I had made it a goal that I would serve a mission once I was twenty one. I had made all these plans to be able to go and instead I was denied the chance, the Bishop at the time tried to make it better by saying I probably will find my husband.
And here I am 7 years later upset and confused. I have become more determined on becoming an Interpreter and Translator but it doesn't make anything easier it just makes me much more stubborn. I want to finally do what I want to do and not have anything bad happen...Probably am asking for too much with that. I've decided to do another blog and this one will be about my life, the crazy experiences and the life changing experiences I've had.
I'm not a very strong person my heart has always been so worn and now when I'm trying to make what I want come to fruition it's just not that easy and I'm terrified that it may backfire and I'll end up worse off. But I'll keep trying and I have to work on these feelings so I can be happy for my friend rather then jealous.
I can do this, you can do this!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep Pushing!

Last year I was bit by a dog. My finger got infected and ever since the surgery to save it, it has been difficult. The finger is numb and every time I push it just a bit more it goess into severe pain. But I've made it a priority of mine to push it. I've started one my push ups again and I'm working on my one armed push ups since the arm with the injured finger can't do it for very long.
But I realized something interesting while I was exercising. I need to keep pushing in all areas of life. I realized I need to do more, for myself especially. What I've been doing for so long is just to let others get what they want and ignore my own feelings or sorrows. I just kept ignoring the pain I was suffering and instead kept taking care of others before myself. 
I am in no way saying that I'll stop caring for others but I need to take a moment and care for myself. For so long I've been staring at my life and the difficulties I've had to face for so long. And each time how I neglected myself.
When I left my home town to try and make college a reality I thought maybe I'd find someone who could take care of me while I take care of them and others. But I've realized I do that too much and I need to stop it. I don't know where the heck my life is going but I'm gonna step off this cliff now and see where in the world I fall.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!

L(love) I(in) F(fullness) E(everyday)

"Mom, Dad?"
Those were the two words I uttered when I had tried to move after the car crash. My legs were broken and my whole body was covered in glass and metal. I watched my father trying to help despite half of his head being caved in. My sister was still in a panic and my Uncle had a damaged face.
Blood was on the car and things were suddenly so real and terrifying. I was only ten years old. I never stop to think my circumstances were extreme, but when I look at this incident and then what followed next in my life, I almost feel like I'm in a book of some kind. 
I've been struggling recently because I'm 27 years old and I thought my life would be set, but instead I'm facing many more new challenges. And the funny thing there is no one who can understand. I sound so whiney but you know for once I want to whine. I want to cry over this life I've had. I want to go back to that night when I woke up to my body being in severe pain and not having it happen.
I wish things had gone differently, I wish that things hadn't have happened. But yet they did and they made me into the woman that I am. A tough brutal woman who doesn't take crap.
But as soon as I feel just a little weak and just want a friend to listen to me it's like this change. And it seems none of the people I know get that even I am still fragile. I've grown tired of being the strong woman who never has a bad day.
I have moments where I just want to scream or shoot something. I have days where I need a freaking punching bag to help. I have days where I just want a husband who can love me until I'm better.
But those days are just me alone, suffering quitely and not letting others know. Especially since I don't have any mental illnesses that are permament but many of my friends do. You see meeting with my therapist she has told me that I am unusual with how I handle my pain.
But I'm not that unusual I just had an amazing dog who was my friend and everything. Rover was my reason to keep living everyday, he was also my reason to stay strong no matter how many times I was beaten by my bullies. If I didn't have my dog I already know I would've killed myself a long time ago.
But now I'm faced with more difficulties and no dog to comfort me in sight. I try relying on humans, but they don't understand. You see being the strong one my whole life has made me angry. I just want to be weak for once and have some let me cry in their arms.
I always feel torn apart and I just grit my teeth smile and keep walking. I do have Danish blood so maybe the story of the Little Mermaid is based on real women who just bared through the pain. I do have things to be grateful for. I have money, I have a Xbox and HDTV, I have a healthy and happy cat, I don't have asthma (despite what my doctor thought), I can buy Japanese food and snacks that I love, I can listen to music that I love, and I can take amazing pictures with my camera.
I still look for the good and try to serve where I can, but I also have started to remind myself that I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm strong sure, but I also need someone to support me. But I haven't found that someone yet, so instead I'll just keep my teeth grit and smile for the sake of my friends.
I'll no longer let others see me weak. Especially since I am sick of being told that I'm just whining. People don't seem able to understand that I can't just bare everything given to me. I've stopped friends from committing suicide, I've taken the assaults to keep friends safe, I've seen more then most in a lifetime. I'm good on never seeing it again, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
You fight! You stand strong and you keep stepping forward carrying your fallen comrades. You stay strong despite the pain, and while no one will ever understand I do and my life will always be a hidden struggle and I have no idea how I'm gonna face this alone but I will.
I've got to change the way things are for now and just do what I can to heal.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!