The World Will Always Love Telling Us How We Are Inferior

I don't normally feel very inferior but lately I feel like everything I try to do is just going to lead to me falling short. I've been trying for over a year to get another job just to earn some money so I can actually, you know, SURVIVE! I then made a decision to work on getting some foreign languages under my belt and trying to get a degree in becoming an Interpreter/Translator.
But when I tried to asking the College I was planning to attend for the degrees they basically shot me down with the reminder that I don't have a high school diploma. I felt instantly torn down and I was left feeling upset, then I felt jealous when a friend got her call for her mission to Japan. A mission is a two year or 18 month service, that a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints serves in order to spread the word of Christ and his gospel.
So why am I jealous of my friend going a mission to Japan? Well you see back when I was younger I had made it a goal that I would serve a mission once I was twenty one. I had made all these plans to be able to go and instead I was denied the chance, the Bishop at the time tried to make it better by saying I probably will find my husband.
And here I am 7 years later upset and confused. I have become more determined on becoming an Interpreter and Translator but it doesn't make anything easier it just makes me much more stubborn. I want to finally do what I want to do and not have anything bad happen...Probably am asking for too much with that. I've decided to do another blog and this one will be about my life, the crazy experiences and the life changing experiences I've had.
I'm not a very strong person my heart has always been so worn and now when I'm trying to make what I want come to fruition it's just not that easy and I'm terrified that it may backfire and I'll end up worse off. But I'll keep trying and I have to work on these feelings so I can be happy for my friend rather then jealous.
I can do this, you can do this!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep Pushing!

Last year I was bit by a dog. My finger got infected and ever since the surgery to save it, it has been difficult. The finger is numb and every time I push it just a bit more it goess into severe pain. But I've made it a priority of mine to push it. I've started one my push ups again and I'm working on my one armed push ups since the arm with the injured finger can't do it for very long.
But I realized something interesting while I was exercising. I need to keep pushing in all areas of life. I realized I need to do more, for myself especially. What I've been doing for so long is just to let others get what they want and ignore my own feelings or sorrows. I just kept ignoring the pain I was suffering and instead kept taking care of others before myself. 
I am in no way saying that I'll stop caring for others but I need to take a moment and care for myself. For so long I've been staring at my life and the difficulties I've had to face for so long. And each time how I neglected myself.
When I left my home town to try and make college a reality I thought maybe I'd find someone who could take care of me while I take care of them and others. But I've realized I do that too much and I need to stop it. I don't know where the heck my life is going but I'm gonna step off this cliff now and see where in the world I fall.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!

L(love) I(in) F(fullness) E(everyday)

"Mom, Dad?"
Those were the two words I uttered when I had tried to move after the car crash. My legs were broken and my whole body was covered in glass and metal. I watched my father trying to help despite half of his head being caved in. My sister was still in a panic and my Uncle had a damaged face.
Blood was on the car and things were suddenly so real and terrifying. I was only ten years old. I never stop to think my circumstances were extreme, but when I look at this incident and then what followed next in my life, I almost feel like I'm in a book of some kind. 
I've been struggling recently because I'm 27 years old and I thought my life would be set, but instead I'm facing many more new challenges. And the funny thing there is no one who can understand. I sound so whiney but you know for once I want to whine. I want to cry over this life I've had. I want to go back to that night when I woke up to my body being in severe pain and not having it happen.
I wish things had gone differently, I wish that things hadn't have happened. But yet they did and they made me into the woman that I am. A tough brutal woman who doesn't take crap.
But as soon as I feel just a little weak and just want a friend to listen to me it's like this change. And it seems none of the people I know get that even I am still fragile. I've grown tired of being the strong woman who never has a bad day.
I have moments where I just want to scream or shoot something. I have days where I need a freaking punching bag to help. I have days where I just want a husband who can love me until I'm better.
But those days are just me alone, suffering quitely and not letting others know. Especially since I don't have any mental illnesses that are permament but many of my friends do. You see meeting with my therapist she has told me that I am unusual with how I handle my pain.
But I'm not that unusual I just had an amazing dog who was my friend and everything. Rover was my reason to keep living everyday, he was also my reason to stay strong no matter how many times I was beaten by my bullies. If I didn't have my dog I already know I would've killed myself a long time ago.
But now I'm faced with more difficulties and no dog to comfort me in sight. I try relying on humans, but they don't understand. You see being the strong one my whole life has made me angry. I just want to be weak for once and have some let me cry in their arms.
I always feel torn apart and I just grit my teeth smile and keep walking. I do have Danish blood so maybe the story of the Little Mermaid is based on real women who just bared through the pain. I do have things to be grateful for. I have money, I have a Xbox and HDTV, I have a healthy and happy cat, I don't have asthma (despite what my doctor thought), I can buy Japanese food and snacks that I love, I can listen to music that I love, and I can take amazing pictures with my camera.
I still look for the good and try to serve where I can, but I also have started to remind myself that I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm strong sure, but I also need someone to support me. But I haven't found that someone yet, so instead I'll just keep my teeth grit and smile for the sake of my friends.
I'll no longer let others see me weak. Especially since I am sick of being told that I'm just whining. People don't seem able to understand that I can't just bare everything given to me. I've stopped friends from committing suicide, I've taken the assaults to keep friends safe, I've seen more then most in a lifetime. I'm good on never seeing it again, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
You fight! You stand strong and you keep stepping forward carrying your fallen comrades. You stay strong despite the pain, and while no one will ever understand I do and my life will always be a hidden struggle and I have no idea how I'm gonna face this alone but I will.
I've got to change the way things are for now and just do what I can to heal.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mysterious and Alluring

"I find you mysterious. I barely know anything of your past and that makes you so alluring to me. I want to have you be mine."

Not romantic especially right now. I appreciate what he said but if you knew why he was saying that you'd also cringe. He's a nice guy, but he has a lot of things to work on. Sadly before this I was only his well masturbation fuel, and yes he would tell me that in many messages.

So you can see why I've cringed at the message he sent. My response was light and quick to tell him no. "Um, Thanks. That's nice of you to say but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Too much going on to even think of that." And just like that I felt comfortable and happy.

It's nice to hear a guy call my mysterious or alluring, but I don't want a man in my life right now. At least not one I've known before. I want a brand new man to want to get to know me. And to learn he won't get every detail of my past when he wants to know more about me. Huh, it's probably why I'm always playing Mass Effect just to have my Turian say silly and cute things. Oh Garrus. Oh right blog.

But why is it that most guys who talk like that are also the ones who messaged me before with either saying I'm good to masturbate to, or a picture of those nether parts I don't care about. It seriously frustrates me when most guys see me as that. I get sexua; arousal and thoughts when interested in someone, but when did it become I tell you outright I only see you good for sex?

I'm starting to think I should really go to NASA and tell them I'm more then happy to leave earth for Mars. Maybe leaving will help to really find myself. Anyways I've been throwing away things that have been part of my past. I want to toss my yearbooks but those cost a lot so ugh. But I realized all my friends from my past don't talk to me anymore. And how freeing that was.

Playing the big sister for many of them was not how I wanted things to continue. But my future is the same as well just with new people. But I'm glad that I'm finally letting my past go, all the judgement, hate, and physical/emotional trauma it is being let go. I can smile not just because people need me to smile but because I am genuinely happy and FREE!

Today when that message was recieved I learned everything from my past was no longer with me. I learned of my worth and I know someone new and amazing will come into my life and we'll dance to a tone of our own music. New friends will remain, but old ones will be greeted with courtesy let go but not forgotten.

For once I can say I'm truly free and seeing so much more. So thank you to the men who've used me, I've seen my worth and beauty and I'm never letting this feeling go. I hope things change but I am truly grateful. 

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are "things" all useless and not helpful?

One of my friends loves to tell me over and over that buying that new videogame, or that new book is just a waste of money. That I will never be able to take the book or videogame with me. And that was in I finally snapped and told her to leave me alone.
Lately, all though I appreciate and love my friends, they have made me feel like every choice I want to make is wrong. But this one thought stopped me. Why do we love playing videogames or reading books? It's true in the end at some point the physical parts of them will be gone. Turned into dust, blown away never to be physically seen again.
Yet they never truly leave us, the stories and adventures stay in our hearts and minds forever. I find it ironic that people seem to see books and videogames bad, when they are like humans. I love humans yet they frustrate me, there are many good humans whom we can learn so much from. But there are also plenty bad and destructive humans who still learn from.
We list things as if they are bad. But not all things are just items you trade and forget some of these "things" are like a human. I've been playing Mass Effect alot lately, just a way to think differently and to have hope in my most dark moment. Sadly I can't tell friends how dark, I'd scare them if I did.
The most prominent thought has been that if I go bankrupt then I will leave this planet. I want to go off world explore outside of the earths protection to another planet where there could possibly be no return.
If I told my friends that they would tell me why I have to stay but I want to do more then I've done now. I try writing sadly headaches and nausea keeps me from writing, the joys of being anxious over the outcome. I don't know if that will be what will happen but hopefully something will happen and I'll be able to just relax and focus on my stories again.
I'm scared and that fear does make doing what I want more difficult but I believe in things working out. So I'll keep trying to just get somewhere in life and make something big happen.
Don't undermine the help and strength a "thing" has. It can change how you view things it can help you stay positive and happy. Things can not be defined so if something changes your views in a positive way then hold on to those.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hey guys I'm going to be making a T-Shirt based on my drawing here with the saying I use to keep myself up KEEP BELIEVING I hope that you guys will definantly buy one when it comes out. Also I'm planning to do some YouTube vlogging, I'm hoping my first video will be an unboxing. Thanks for supporting my blog. :)

The complete course change

Fascinating world that we live in. The earth has so many secrets. She is protected by a magnetic field that keeps the solar radiation from frying our brains and from frying our skin in a few seconds. She also has lots of water to keep us alive and well. Earth has to be one of the most beautiful and terrifying planet we live on. While she'll protect us she will also destroy us because we have no respect for her or our own kind.
Of course I don't want to delve too much into that, what I really want to talk about is my desire to just leave earth. As harsh as that may sound I'm so tired of being here. A world ruled by money and politics. I have no real say and am instead stuck in a way I never thought I would be. 
Lately I have lost control of really anything in my life. Spefically money and work. I started to just get wrapped up in doing a super cleaning of where I live but my finger which has a damaged nerve still flared up in defiance of my cleaning. And on top of that it's raining and where I live we have a small trash can so putting trash outside is asking for it to get moldy and gross.
I have literally no control of my life at all right now. I'm trapped in a cycle of unknowns and sorrows. All though I'm usually an optimist especially with my thought process of learning more it still breaks me. I'll admit I've cried far more then I care to admit.
It's even better when you can't just ask friends to do something with you due to finals. I have to much respect for education to ask them to push it aside just to indulge me. I may not seem very educated or to some I may seem too educated. But all in all I don't really care.
What I have decided in this time of absolute insanity is one of two options. I'll otherwise be fine, get a good job, find a place of my own, and make enough money to travel to Japan and Europe. Or everything will break, I'll lose my car, and move back home, miserable and broken. But I hate being broken, lived that way for eight years I don't want that anymore.
So I've decided I will just focus on exploring more. Going back home will suck but I'll go more into the mountains wandering the woodland, chasing big horns and mustangs, maybe cross a couple of bears and cougars. I want to not remain stagnate. And that has happened more then I'd care to admit. I don't care if people don't see me as educated due to no diploma.
I know my education, it is considered crazy but sometimes the best minds where called insane. The biggest thing I want to do, is to encourage the creation of holograms we can touch, encourage the creation of hologram billboards. Making an actual AI, we have VI's which are getting there in intelligence but they will always be limited an AI wouldn't be limited. Of course that would terrify scientists the world around, since we feel pretty sure that technology will be our downfall. I agree but we won't know until we've crossed that line.
I also want more of exploration to be done on the earth, exploration of our deepest caves and oceans.
But like I said I'm crazy in my thought. I guess I've been thinking for too long. Guess that happens when everything is taken away from you being able to progress. All I can do now is just try and survive.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need to change how we view HUMANS

Lately I've been hearing about the whole racism, homophobia, and other such hating of humans. But what bothers me most is how we categorize it. It's not any of those areas what it is, if a fear of being human. Let me explain we are not racist we are afraid of judging because someone looks different, it isn't homophobia it is a fear that you maybe attracted to the same sex as well.
I won't deny it, religions have played a part in making it seem that a God they worship hates those kinds of people and thus condems them. But I do not believe that is the case. How I see it when I think about God He is waiting for us to learn how to love being human and all other humans, who look and act different.
Now being smart in all areas of being around another human is important, after all I was not only sexually assaulted by just men but also by women. So I tend to be on guard with women as well, getting undressed in any area where any of the sexes can see me is very uncomfortable. And I wish I didn't feel that way, things would be a little easier. Such as taking a shower at a friends house more comfortably.
But that is the thing. It is not a hatered of lesbians now, it is a caution of all humans. Caution is VERY different from fear. Caution means you understand any person around you can hurt you, but you're willing to interact with all people in the hopes that they won't hurt you.
We need to stop labeling ourselves to a race or even sexual orientation. I'd love if we just called all of ourselves human, full of flaws but worth loving and getting to know. Wouldn't it be better if we could do that? Maybe just my crazy mind. Either way I think we can get there someday.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!