We are all determined to make others live the way we feel they should.

I bent over gasping for breathe. It was my first marathon to raise money for cancer treatments. People all around me were cheering the runners on a the crowd the finish line. I smiled as a bunch of my friends ran up to me grabbing me in a hug group hug. 
"Way to go Merah!" I laughed as Tom put me on his shoulders while spinning me around. It felt good knowing I had done something good to support those were struggling. Especially when I looked at Tara with her husband and son. Tara was still fighting osteosarcoma, which had already taken her two legs. She was stuck in a wheel chair and doctors kept adding time till she would die, which she finally asked for them to stop so that her son wouldn't be so terrified of losing his mother. 
"Hey give me a moment ok guys?"
"Just remember we are all going to eat out after this."
I smiled at Room before running over to Tara who held her arms open for me to hug her. I held as tight as I felt was ok, just enjoying knowing that she was here still. 
"Merah you are incredible,"she whispered into my hear making me squeeze her a bit more. 
"No Tara, I'm not fighting cancer. That means you're the incredible one."
"I agree with Merah on that one," Robert her husband said placing a hand on her shoulder which she touched with her other hand. 
"Either way thank you,"she said again leaning up in her chair to hug me again, "we were handed the check you helped us raise over ten thousand dollars to cover the bills. This will be a huge help."
"You know how worried I was about you and your husband," I said holding one of her hands, "I just wanted you both to have peace of mind in one area."
"Will you were successful," she said picking up their two year old and placing him in her lap. I smiled and talked with them for a while more before Tara started feeling the pain of having say for so long. I hugged her goodbye before joining with Tom and the others to go play. 
***
Coming home was hard since Tom had just confessed to me. I told him that I needed to think about it but I already knew answer, after all I had asked him out last time and on the date he rejected my feelings. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. It would just be too awkward. 
Bolt wandered up to me his wobbly walk empathized more in his run. I scratched behind his ears as he meowed. I say my and wallet on the counter walking over to his food dish and adding more hard food to it. Then I heard my phone buzz from the counter. 
I walked over to it assuming that it was Tom. But my phones screen showed that it was a call from Tara, my heart panicked as I answered the phone. My heart dropped as I heard the sons of Robert on the other line. My knees gave out as tears fell from my eyes. I could barely hear him but I already knew, she was gone. 
I couldn't hang up as he sobbed about how he didn't know what to do without her there to help him. He then told me how she died. 
"I was worried when we got back because all though she wasn't saying anything about pain her face showed it. I picked her up and she screamed in agony before grabbing her chest trying to stop the pain," I could understand him better now that he was able to speak, "I called my mom to watch Garth as the ambulance arrived. I watched Tara get loaded into the ambulance promising to be there as soon as my mom got there. But when I arrived it was already too late."
I grit my teeth as another wave of sorrow over came us both. I stayed on the phone until he had called down again. 
"I didn't get to say goodbye, or I love you. I hate that the most."
I listened to him hold back a sob as best he could before inhaling. 
"Robert I'm sure that Tara didn't need those words said because she could feel them every single day in your arms," I said hearing him fall into sobs again, "feeling is stronger then saying."
"Yeah thank you," I listened to him blow his nose as he tried to regain control, "I need to discuss her fun-fu-funeral, I'll let you know when it is. Thank you, Merah."

I decided to start writing a spey of mine since I feel it can get across my feelings better then my just writing it out. What I fear is that we have all lost our humanity. I hope not. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The suffocating feeling of loneliness.

I never knew how loneliness felt until recently when my life stated the same ritual again. My dear and close friends all being married before me. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, truly am. But losing them to marriage and having the sickening experiences I've had with men I just felt numb. I'm a Mormon so of course this is normal in my church but I've felt shattered wondering what I'm doing wrong to attract the type of men who hurt me. 
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married. 
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me. 
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me. 
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did. 
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away. 
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man. 
I want my dreams to become reality. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I won't trust a man when I first meet him.

Batman Running Posters by batman
See additional Posters & Art online at Zazzle

The man posted above and some other fantasy men are the only ones I ever want to be held by. And the reason for that? Well I'm so tired of real men treating me as something less.

Recently I had one guy friend who belittled the pain I had suffered seeing a friend try to commit suicide. The horrors of watching people be shot, one lying on the road near death and helping them, being ten trapped in a car where you see your whole body covered in shards of glass and metal. Where boys in your school freely groped and tried to rape you. Where you were beaten, sexually assaulted, and abused emotionally by someone you thought loved you. Right I have no right in thinking the way that I do.

One thing that has ticked me off the most is how some of my friends like to get on me for how I think about not feeling safe with men. They tell me I'm just judging the men and not getting to know them. True I don't know them but that means I SHOULD exercise caution. 

I've been suffering plenty of anxiety attacks and I have just reached a breaking point where I just curl up in bed and play video games. I've had guys yelling hey sexy and for me it terrifies me and makes me angry. My Grandpa Larsen on our last visit with him showed me how to throw knives and a punch. He told me that sadly he knew that men would not respect me as a human being.

He told me to be a strong woman so I could protect myself when it came to it. Sadly I am a woman and I learned the hard way that if a man wants to do something to you he'll do it. I would scream and cry, he'd say sorry and for some reason I thought he wouldn't do it again and go back to him. Only for the same thing to repeat, tongue forced into my mouth, arms forcing my body against his and hands wandering to areas I did not want to be touched yet.

I have lost my trust and faith in men, I feel and fear that there aren't good men. Oh and here's a BIG joke, when "good men" comment on my status's but none of them aim to prove what they say. May I ask then why say it if you can't prove it? And I'm not meaning in a partnership but a relationship as friends.

I heard the song Human by Christina Perri and I cried. I just cried for a long time just asking anything whether aliens, God, or even just the men in my family, who I loved and trusted, who are now gone. Why am I only seen as a package of breasts? Why am I unable to have people get how many times I've been hurt? Why can't someone just be my shoulder for me to cry on, to just listen not talk?

I recently had a job where the cat brought home a baby rabbit. The little guy wasn't dead, his neck was punctured by the cat, giving him a slow painful death. I took the rabbit and snapped his neck killing him immediately so he would no longer suffer. My mother and others said I was so strong to do that, but I don't feel like it.

My whole life all I wanted was for others to smile, I forced bullies to not bother my friends but me. I stood up and fought for others while they where down. I've stood for another just because they were sexually different or thought different. Because I would hope someone would do that for me.

I curl up with my newest favorite book series Divergent and I just dream of Four and how he would cradle the one he loves. In fact he does do that but if you haven't read it yet I will not spoil it. I also love John Greens; The Fault In Our Stars. And my favorite videogame series (aside from Batman Arkham) Mass Effect. Where you get to choose a romance with a character.

For now I'll stick with the fantasy men. I know these men can NEVER hurt me, and I can always feel safe with them. The day a real man wants to prove that please step forward but for now I will be staying away from that. There is no reason to cry only to smile and feel hope.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What happens when we remember that we are first and fore most humans.

For a while I have been sitting and watching how we as humans work and live. Most of us live life like I do. You get up each morning go to work come home and go to sleep. Maybe a chance to read or play video games or whatever you do to relax. But I remember times where I had to become a hero in a split second. I think back to the car crash, which will be 16 years since then this August.
I was unable to help in my mind I thought I was, but I learned something. My talking was a huge help. Whenever an accident happens and you don't know what to do then talk to those involved it has shown that hearing another human calms our heart rates. It gives us comfort in the sound.
But our voices also  hold power in protecting others. I once was in a class where the teacher was being severely bullied. I stood up for her and even though I was then bullied, I had made the group of students leave her alone. I did it several times for my friends as well. I have also stood up for those who are gay.
I realized that before I am anything else, Mormon, woman, writer, dreamer, whatever I am HUMAN.
And as a human my purpose in this life is to love all and to see the good in people. I learned the hard way how to do that after being sexually assaulted. I don't see him much but from time to time I do. And all though my body is protecting itself from harm I have learned how to look past him and see him as human, flawed just as we all are.
I also realized that I needed to be a strength for girls who were treated like me. Feeling confused because when he touched them they did like it. I found it hard to explain that our bodies protect themselves first and foremost. But that our hearts and minds remind us that we are scared and being harmed. I try to forget but I know I can't. When I think of being around a man my body shivers.
It becomes terrified of the intoxication of porn in everyday society and how accepted it is. How it turned a guy I thought I could trust into someone who only had lust for my body to a point that he would touch me where I didn't want to be touched. How I would cry for him stop and yet nothing. I learned that he was numb to being human.
Before we are ever Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or whatever religion we follow including Atheism we are HUMAN. We are meant to love all and each other. We are not meant to war with each other, we are not meant to kill each other, we are not meant to steal or lie from each other, we are meant to love each other to lift out a hand of help.
We are meant to in the darkest moment help were we can. To help someone when and where we can. We are meant to be pillars for each other to lift one another to a higher state. I am human, and thus I will be flawed and fail but that doesn't mean I give up.
It means I take another step forward in trying to be better today, right now.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!

What I learned after watching Divergent

I just enjoy a very amazing movie! I have read the first of the series of Divergent but the movie reminded me why I feel in love with the books. The movie is based on a Distopia, a Utopia that is not what you expect.
In the movie there are factions you are born into. When you reach the age to leave home you are to choose your own faction. But the law is that you're to conform to that factions ways, else you become factionless. In the film the protagonist goes through her test and discovers she is a Divergent.
Divergents are those who think for themselves they are the people who do not conform to a thought or idea. They choose for themselves what is right and what is wrong, thus they become a threat because supposedly that was how the deadly war happened.
I thought about it for a long time after and realized how much I love diverse thinking. I realized that for me it was beautiful to walk out of the theater and see how we all had our own opinions and could choose what we wanted to do.
But sadly there is parts of this world where governments force or will even kill people who do not conform to their laws. I cry for those people because thinking differently is not a bad thing. It's never a bad thing to want to think and question everything!
Recently I questioned many things of my church and the leaders. Why? Because they are human and as humans we say what we want. I've learned that I have to teach myself to know if something said is true or not. But I like the fact that I'm not forced to conform to one belief I can think how ever I want to.
No matter what diverse thinking is beautiful, the atheist to the Christian. The pro-life to the pro-choice. The war fighter to the peace lover. It's beautiful and wonderful to have these different thoughts because when you listen to these ideas you then learn more on how you can be a better human being. How awesome is that?
I know this I loved the movie and I'm buying the books because I want that reminder every day and I want my kids to know that to. Growing up also where I did was great, my little hometown of Hawthorne, NV was HUGELY diverse. Never once was there no one who wasn't different from the one sitting next to them. Thus when a friend of mine came out on being gay we didn't judge or see him as being sinful. We saw everyone as humans.
I know we can all learn to listen to the different views and see the other stories before judging and that we can learn more. Open your mind and heart. Be Divergent.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

That moment when you fall back two steps.

I've had a lot of weird yet amazing things happen for me recently. One of these has been playing a MMORPG, or Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. This game is called League of Angels or LoA or horrible lol. I never knew this game would be what would draw me to people who would ignite my curious mind. And one who would ignite sparks in my heart, someone who has made the change inside of me feel so simple.
I had been working as hard as I could to earn more and more so I could meet people like the friends I've made on the game. I realized that when the moment came that I would fall back on losing another client in my work that I'd of course be very emotional about it. I've felt I'm not good enough for anyone and that all that I'm trying to do is for naught. But I've learned I'm not useless. 
I have realized that I need to continue doing what I love. What I love is working with animals, writing, YouTubing, video gaming, comic books, books, Operas, ballets, Anime, drawing, cosplaying, and finally Batman. I've realized if I focused more on what I've always loved doing I could earn all the money I'd need and more! And I could finally be stress free in full.
I have taxes still to pay from 2011, and now medical bills that I'm slowly paying off myself. I still have a car to pay off and so much more. Yet I'm happy, I'm happy to have met the people I have in my life. That includes the ones who are still quote unquote "pixels", I love them all.
My life has changed so beautifully with them in my life. I have a chance to keep changing, I'm saving to go to PAX Prime and East, Comic Con, E3!, and just going on my own travels. I feel I've passed up my chance to go and see the world. I was given the chance to go to a school in New York I turned it down, I was also invited to go to China and teach English there. I've learned to let it go and just move on in my life, but now I want to make it the story I want.
I have control of my life and I love that.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What happens in our lives is all for a very special reason.

This morning I received the heart wrenching call that my Uncle Lavoy had died. The hardest part of it all was he died the same way my father, and Uncle Dave did. I feel so sad, yet not because I have amazing friends. Including one whom I met while playing an online game.
Some people are always worried about those you meet online but he is real and someone I want to well have in my life. Soon it will happen but for now we just spend late nights just talking on the phone.
We talk about video games, anime, music, basically anything and everything that is random but we just like talking to each other.
The other thing is all my friends who I know in real life. So many of them continue to lift me up and help me to try for more and more. I just want to say that what ever happens it is all for an amazing and wonderful reason. Heart ache, and everything that makes us question is to help us to grow. Question everything! Seriously ask all the big questions and learn more and more how we can all make a difference in each others lives.
The governments can't change the world only we the individuals can. Let's continue to reach out to each other, let's continue to make each other smile and grow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!