Used Goods

I'm going to do something I've never done before, it is something I never went into detail but I'm doing it now because I'm tired of being an extreme sex fantasy or just one of the guys. I'm sharing this to open the guys I've talked to mind. Many if not all of them claim there is good from them watching Porn yet I know as many others that it is not.

I met this guy at the Halloween dance he was really sweet and talked to me before asking me out. I was of course happy because I hadn't had a date for almost 3 years. I finally felt I was attractive to someone and went out with him. A friend of mine tagged along which I was grateful for, we went to a Halloween party where he kissed me.

A kiss on the first date wasn't unusual since the last guy I dated gave my first kiss on our first date. But that guy only stayed for a week and was very open of his desires for sex but respected me in not wanting to have sex. But sadly with this guy he would teach me why a guy wanting to kiss on the first date is a red flag.

He asked me out a few more times we had dinner and watched movies. I enjoyed it and it was fun being around him, I never felt unsafe either. It wasn't until Thanksgiving that he asked me to visit his family. That was when my fears started. I wasn't sure why he introduced me to his family we hadn't been dating for more then three weeks.

Yet there I was with his family. Then it happened. I decided to accept his invite to watch a movie at his house. Usually his mother was there so I wasn't worried, but when I got there she was leaving. I didn't feel too nervous since he was suppose to be a righteous man in my churches standards.

Yet he kissed me and he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I pulled back and asked him to not do that, he told me to just relax and placed a hand down below. I paniced and started to cry which made him get mad and stop. I got up and left, I didn't ever want to see him again yet he wanted to apologize and then he did it again. This time successfully bruising my leg, I wanted to let him go in full but I didn't.

Finally he gave the final reason out public as to why I should let him go. He told me a lie that he was going to a nephews birthday during the night of a party. I went to the party to find him sitting with another girl. I kept myself as calm as I could before leaving and breaking down.

I knew one of his secrets he watched porn in excess amounts, he never saw women as humans but as objects to get his jollies off to. I was bruised by him and was scarred in an even worse manner. And now when any man tells me porn is good I cry and get upset.

Porn is actually brand new and the types of porn is all different. Unlike in the old times where it didn't exist men had only their imagination, but in their imagination they were more often then not respecting women as wives or mothers. I know this cause I read a 1920 romance novel written by a man who wrote it for his love who died and he never got to hold in his arms.

I have become a wreck, I'm scared of men I don't feel like I can trust them or even see them as protectors. The worst part Porn is very widely accepted as normal and that we are to stop judging men who watch it. For me, men it's one thing to imagine sex ok. Cause us women imagine sex too. But it's another to have your ways of having sex played out to you by men who have no respect for women at all.

How do I know this? There is lots of websites where women are forced to perform sex acts that they don't want to do. Do you seriously think it is normal? It isn't and that's why I worry and feel unsafe around men. I hope that things change on the view of Porn I hope it becomes realized how damaging it is.

It's why in the end I always say...

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fault of our dreams

I rolled over to see a small fire in front of me a silhouette sitting by the fire. It noticed that I was awake. And walked over I sat up smiling before I saw the same creature as last time.
"OHMY, GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed scrambling away from him my hands reaching the edge of the river.
"Please don't do that again," it spoke and his voice was soft and gentle, "I know this is a typical reaction to an alien but plea-"
"ALIEN!?" I screamed unsure of what to feel or think right then as I stared at him. He looked human enough but his eyes shined in the dark, his scales reflecting the fires light, and spines on the side of his face held golden hair back from his face which otherwise appeared normal. His face sunk in sorrow and he sat on the ground holding his hands out as if to be cuffed.
"Go ahead, I know your government would be very excited to finally get an alien," he said so calmly looking into my eyes.
I was still terrified my heart was screaming with adrenaline ready to flee. My muscles where tensed from the extra blood ready to swing into a punch. 'He's not attacking and he saved me from my own destruction, I should be more afraid of myself then of him.'
We just sat looking at each other for a long time. He didn't move at all even as I shifted from my legs going numb. I finally stood up and all he did was move his head up to look at me as I got a little closer still staying a good distance away from him.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say with a little stuttering. My body was slowing from the adrenaline and I was getting tired.
"We came to see if this planet you call earth was ready for connect from the other planets in the galaxy," he said still holding his hands where they remained, "We had sent a signal a while back but never heard a response. We then sent an object to test if your people would kill us, sadly it was taken to a base to be studied. Until recently we felt humans would kill us Drednas."
"What object?"
"Ever heard of Rosewell, New Mexico?"
"Are you kidding? I think every human heard about that incident."
"Yeah of course the story goes as far to say we sent one of our own in the craft, no just one of our computers. Which reminds me how is Siri?"
"Are you kidding that's were she came from?"
"Nah, just pulling your leg as you humans would say," he chuckled a bit smiling a crooked smile.
I blushed, not from just embarrassment but from his smile as well. And I hadn't noticed that I had gotten closer despite him not moving at all. I finally walked up to his out stretched hands kneeling before reaching out tentative fingers to touch his. He watched me as my fingers grazed the smaller scales on his hands, They felt the same as those on a lizard or snake, soft yet firm and protective.
"I heard you have creatures with my skin type here," he said. I looked up at him his smile had gotten bigger at my willingness to be close and touching him.
"Yeah, snakes and lizards." I looked back his hands there where claw like fingernails but they weren't viciously long but more short and closer to his finger.
"So still gonna take me in?"
I looked up at him as he stared at me. His smile gone he was just looking at me in seriousness. I gently touched his palm feeling the same texture as a lizards underbelly there.
"What's your name?"
"Gorgny."



I've been finding it interesting. I have been struggling for a while but I also know that it was never due to my education. Many of my friends with degrees are still struggling in todays society. But I won't deny I've thought of trying out to be an astronaut! When I was a kid going into the stars sounded like a ton of fun. And even as an adult it sounds perfect.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reality can be very suffocating.

I stared at my friends casket as she was lowered into her grave, to never be seen again. All of my tears were spent from crying with her husband over the news. I looked over at Robert as he hled their son in his arms, he was fighting to not cry and I knew why.
"Strength," I whispered under my breath. Strength was the only way to survive the numbing pain that this life brings.
I saw Tom and my other friends across from me. He ave me a sorrowful look, probably because he regretted the fact that he had tried to get me on such a terrible night. I couldn't stay any longer and left in my car.
I drove half way home before pulling off to a part of the river that was sucluded. I pulled my shoes off and waded into the river allowing my black dress to get soaked I kept walking. 'NO!' I knew that I was feeling crazy wanting to just see if my invincibility of death would save me from drowning.
The rivers currents tore at my body tugging at my legs urging for me to slip and be pulled in. I kept walking till the currents where to my collarbone. I then slowly bent my legs feeling the current tear me off balance. My head hit the water as I sunk into the rushing water.
I screamed allowing water to flow into my mouth. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!' I felt my body get yanked as if I was caught, my body had closed my mouth after the first initial rush of water. I felt my body get tugged up till I was out of the river and my mouth coughed out the water it had been filled with. 'I'm alive, I'm so glad.'
"Let me go!" I thought I shouted but instead my mouth mumbled. I couldn't see well with the river water still in my eyes. But the breathing sounded deep and I could feel that I was in the arms of a man.
"I don't think letting you go will be beneficial."
I finally could see and a man who had half reptelian scales was looking at me with blue green eyes. My mind and body reacted screaming before I blacked out.

Recently I've found out why I've been suffering severe lonliness. Many of my friends are married and having kids all over. I'm still single and trapped in a spiral of my own demise. I don't suffer suicide, at least not since I was ten.
But this loniliness has proven to be a very suffocating feeling. I have one of two men interested in me, the first is the ood old friend, the second is the full sexual fantasy.
I want one chance at a deep romance but it's funny I seem to only be able to get the romance in my writing.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are all determined to make others live the way we feel they should.

I bent over gasping for breathe. It was my first marathon to raise money for cancer treatments. People all around me were cheering the runners on a the crowd the finish line. I smiled as a bunch of my friends ran up to me grabbing me in a hug group hug. 
"Way to go Merah!" I laughed as Tom put me on his shoulders while spinning me around. It felt good knowing I had done something good to support those were struggling. Especially when I looked at Tara with her husband and son. Tara was still fighting osteosarcoma, which had already taken her two legs. She was stuck in a wheel chair and doctors kept adding time till she would die, which she finally asked for them to stop so that her son wouldn't be so terrified of losing his mother. 
"Hey give me a moment ok guys?"
"Just remember we are all going to eat out after this."
I smiled at Room before running over to Tara who held her arms open for me to hug her. I held as tight as I felt was ok, just enjoying knowing that she was here still. 
"Merah you are incredible,"she whispered into my hear making me squeeze her a bit more. 
"No Tara, I'm not fighting cancer. That means you're the incredible one."
"I agree with Merah on that one," Robert her husband said placing a hand on her shoulder which she touched with her other hand. 
"Either way thank you,"she said again leaning up in her chair to hug me again, "we were handed the check you helped us raise over ten thousand dollars to cover the bills. This will be a huge help."
"You know how worried I was about you and your husband," I said holding one of her hands, "I just wanted you both to have peace of mind in one area."
"Will you were successful," she said picking up their two year old and placing him in her lap. I smiled and talked with them for a while more before Tara started feeling the pain of having say for so long. I hugged her goodbye before joining with Tom and the others to go play. 
***
Coming home was hard since Tom had just confessed to me. I told him that I needed to think about it but I already knew answer, after all I had asked him out last time and on the date he rejected my feelings. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. It would just be too awkward. 
Bolt wandered up to me his wobbly walk empathized more in his run. I scratched behind his ears as he meowed. I say my and wallet on the counter walking over to his food dish and adding more hard food to it. Then I heard my phone buzz from the counter. 
I walked over to it assuming that it was Tom. But my phones screen showed that it was a call from Tara, my heart panicked as I answered the phone. My heart dropped as I heard the sons of Robert on the other line. My knees gave out as tears fell from my eyes. I could barely hear him but I already knew, she was gone. 
I couldn't hang up as he sobbed about how he didn't know what to do without her there to help him. He then told me how she died. 
"I was worried when we got back because all though she wasn't saying anything about pain her face showed it. I picked her up and she screamed in agony before grabbing her chest trying to stop the pain," I could understand him better now that he was able to speak, "I called my mom to watch Garth as the ambulance arrived. I watched Tara get loaded into the ambulance promising to be there as soon as my mom got there. But when I arrived it was already too late."
I grit my teeth as another wave of sorrow over came us both. I stayed on the phone until he had called down again. 
"I didn't get to say goodbye, or I love you. I hate that the most."
I listened to him hold back a sob as best he could before inhaling. 
"Robert I'm sure that Tara didn't need those words said because she could feel them every single day in your arms," I said hearing him fall into sobs again, "feeling is stronger then saying."
"Yeah thank you," I listened to him blow his nose as he tried to regain control, "I need to discuss her fun-fu-funeral, I'll let you know when it is. Thank you, Merah."

I decided to start writing a spey of mine since I feel it can get across my feelings better then my just writing it out. What I fear is that we have all lost our humanity. I hope not. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The suffocating feeling of loneliness.

I never knew how loneliness felt until recently when my life stated the same ritual again. My dear and close friends all being married before me. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, truly am. But losing them to marriage and having the sickening experiences I've had with men I just felt numb. I'm a Mormon so of course this is normal in my church but I've felt shattered wondering what I'm doing wrong to attract the type of men who hurt me. 
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married. 
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me. 
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me. 
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did. 
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away. 
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man. 
I want my dreams to become reality. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I won't trust a man when I first meet him.

Batman Running Posters by batman
See additional Posters & Art online at Zazzle

The man posted above and some other fantasy men are the only ones I ever want to be held by. And the reason for that? Well I'm so tired of real men treating me as something less.

Recently I had one guy friend who belittled the pain I had suffered seeing a friend try to commit suicide. The horrors of watching people be shot, one lying on the road near death and helping them, being ten trapped in a car where you see your whole body covered in shards of glass and metal. Where boys in your school freely groped and tried to rape you. Where you were beaten, sexually assaulted, and abused emotionally by someone you thought loved you. Right I have no right in thinking the way that I do.

One thing that has ticked me off the most is how some of my friends like to get on me for how I think about not feeling safe with men. They tell me I'm just judging the men and not getting to know them. True I don't know them but that means I SHOULD exercise caution. 

I've been suffering plenty of anxiety attacks and I have just reached a breaking point where I just curl up in bed and play video games. I've had guys yelling hey sexy and for me it terrifies me and makes me angry. My Grandpa Larsen on our last visit with him showed me how to throw knives and a punch. He told me that sadly he knew that men would not respect me as a human being.

He told me to be a strong woman so I could protect myself when it came to it. Sadly I am a woman and I learned the hard way that if a man wants to do something to you he'll do it. I would scream and cry, he'd say sorry and for some reason I thought he wouldn't do it again and go back to him. Only for the same thing to repeat, tongue forced into my mouth, arms forcing my body against his and hands wandering to areas I did not want to be touched yet.

I have lost my trust and faith in men, I feel and fear that there aren't good men. Oh and here's a BIG joke, when "good men" comment on my status's but none of them aim to prove what they say. May I ask then why say it if you can't prove it? And I'm not meaning in a partnership but a relationship as friends.

I heard the song Human by Christina Perri and I cried. I just cried for a long time just asking anything whether aliens, God, or even just the men in my family, who I loved and trusted, who are now gone. Why am I only seen as a package of breasts? Why am I unable to have people get how many times I've been hurt? Why can't someone just be my shoulder for me to cry on, to just listen not talk?

I recently had a job where the cat brought home a baby rabbit. The little guy wasn't dead, his neck was punctured by the cat, giving him a slow painful death. I took the rabbit and snapped his neck killing him immediately so he would no longer suffer. My mother and others said I was so strong to do that, but I don't feel like it.

My whole life all I wanted was for others to smile, I forced bullies to not bother my friends but me. I stood up and fought for others while they where down. I've stood for another just because they were sexually different or thought different. Because I would hope someone would do that for me.

I curl up with my newest favorite book series Divergent and I just dream of Four and how he would cradle the one he loves. In fact he does do that but if you haven't read it yet I will not spoil it. I also love John Greens; The Fault In Our Stars. And my favorite videogame series (aside from Batman Arkham) Mass Effect. Where you get to choose a romance with a character.

For now I'll stick with the fantasy men. I know these men can NEVER hurt me, and I can always feel safe with them. The day a real man wants to prove that please step forward but for now I will be staying away from that. There is no reason to cry only to smile and feel hope.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

What happens when we remember that we are first and fore most humans.

For a while I have been sitting and watching how we as humans work and live. Most of us live life like I do. You get up each morning go to work come home and go to sleep. Maybe a chance to read or play video games or whatever you do to relax. But I remember times where I had to become a hero in a split second. I think back to the car crash, which will be 16 years since then this August.
I was unable to help in my mind I thought I was, but I learned something. My talking was a huge help. Whenever an accident happens and you don't know what to do then talk to those involved it has shown that hearing another human calms our heart rates. It gives us comfort in the sound.
But our voices also  hold power in protecting others. I once was in a class where the teacher was being severely bullied. I stood up for her and even though I was then bullied, I had made the group of students leave her alone. I did it several times for my friends as well. I have also stood up for those who are gay.
I realized that before I am anything else, Mormon, woman, writer, dreamer, whatever I am HUMAN.
And as a human my purpose in this life is to love all and to see the good in people. I learned the hard way how to do that after being sexually assaulted. I don't see him much but from time to time I do. And all though my body is protecting itself from harm I have learned how to look past him and see him as human, flawed just as we all are.
I also realized that I needed to be a strength for girls who were treated like me. Feeling confused because when he touched them they did like it. I found it hard to explain that our bodies protect themselves first and foremost. But that our hearts and minds remind us that we are scared and being harmed. I try to forget but I know I can't. When I think of being around a man my body shivers.
It becomes terrified of the intoxication of porn in everyday society and how accepted it is. How it turned a guy I thought I could trust into someone who only had lust for my body to a point that he would touch me where I didn't want to be touched. How I would cry for him stop and yet nothing. I learned that he was numb to being human.
Before we are ever Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or whatever religion we follow including Atheism we are HUMAN. We are meant to love all and each other. We are not meant to war with each other, we are not meant to kill each other, we are not meant to steal or lie from each other, we are meant to love each other to lift out a hand of help.
We are meant to in the darkest moment help were we can. To help someone when and where we can. We are meant to be pillars for each other to lift one another to a higher state. I am human, and thus I will be flawed and fail but that doesn't mean I give up.
It means I take another step forward in trying to be better today, right now.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!