Mysterious and Alluring

"I find you mysterious. I barely know anything of your past and that makes you so alluring to me. I want to have you be mine."

Not romantic especially right now. I appreciate what he said but if you knew why he was saying that you'd also cringe. He's a nice guy, but he has a lot of things to work on. Sadly before this I was only his well masturbation fuel, and yes he would tell me that in many messages.

So you can see why I've cringed at the message he sent. My response was light and quick to tell him no. "Um, Thanks. That's nice of you to say but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Too much going on to even think of that." And just like that I felt comfortable and happy.

It's nice to hear a guy call my mysterious or alluring, but I don't want a man in my life right now. At least not one I've known before. I want a brand new man to want to get to know me. And to learn he won't get every detail of my past when he wants to know more about me. Huh, it's probably why I'm always playing Mass Effect just to have my Turian say silly and cute things. Oh Garrus. Oh right blog.

But why is it that most guys who talk like that are also the ones who messaged me before with either saying I'm good to masturbate to, or a picture of those nether parts I don't care about. It seriously frustrates me when most guys see me as that. I get sexua; arousal and thoughts when interested in someone, but when did it become I tell you outright I only see you good for sex?

I'm starting to think I should really go to NASA and tell them I'm more then happy to leave earth for Mars. Maybe leaving will help to really find myself. Anyways I've been throwing away things that have been part of my past. I want to toss my yearbooks but those cost a lot so ugh. But I realized all my friends from my past don't talk to me anymore. And how freeing that was.

Playing the big sister for many of them was not how I wanted things to continue. But my future is the same as well just with new people. But I'm glad that I'm finally letting my past go, all the judgement, hate, and physical/emotional trauma it is being let go. I can smile not just because people need me to smile but because I am genuinely happy and FREE!

Today when that message was recieved I learned everything from my past was no longer with me. I learned of my worth and I know someone new and amazing will come into my life and we'll dance to a tone of our own music. New friends will remain, but old ones will be greeted with courtesy let go but not forgotten.

For once I can say I'm truly free and seeing so much more. So thank you to the men who've used me, I've seen my worth and beauty and I'm never letting this feeling go. I hope things change but I am truly grateful. 

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are "things" all useless and not helpful?

One of my friends loves to tell me over and over that buying that new videogame, or that new book is just a waste of money. That I will never be able to take the book or videogame with me. And that was in I finally snapped and told her to leave me alone.
Lately, all though I appreciate and love my friends, they have made me feel like every choice I want to make is wrong. But this one thought stopped me. Why do we love playing videogames or reading books? It's true in the end at some point the physical parts of them will be gone. Turned into dust, blown away never to be physically seen again.
Yet they never truly leave us, the stories and adventures stay in our hearts and minds forever. I find it ironic that people seem to see books and videogames bad, when they are like humans. I love humans yet they frustrate me, there are many good humans whom we can learn so much from. But there are also plenty bad and destructive humans who still learn from.
We list things as if they are bad. But not all things are just items you trade and forget some of these "things" are like a human. I've been playing Mass Effect alot lately, just a way to think differently and to have hope in my most dark moment. Sadly I can't tell friends how dark, I'd scare them if I did.
The most prominent thought has been that if I go bankrupt then I will leave this planet. I want to go off world explore outside of the earths protection to another planet where there could possibly be no return.
If I told my friends that they would tell me why I have to stay but I want to do more then I've done now. I try writing sadly headaches and nausea keeps me from writing, the joys of being anxious over the outcome. I don't know if that will be what will happen but hopefully something will happen and I'll be able to just relax and focus on my stories again.
I'm scared and that fear does make doing what I want more difficult but I believe in things working out. So I'll keep trying to just get somewhere in life and make something big happen.
Don't undermine the help and strength a "thing" has. It can change how you view things it can help you stay positive and happy. Things can not be defined so if something changes your views in a positive way then hold on to those.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hey guys I'm going to be making a T-Shirt based on my drawing here with the saying I use to keep myself up KEEP BELIEVING I hope that you guys will definantly buy one when it comes out. Also I'm planning to do some YouTube vlogging, I'm hoping my first video will be an unboxing. Thanks for supporting my blog. :)

The complete course change

Fascinating world that we live in. The earth has so many secrets. She is protected by a magnetic field that keeps the solar radiation from frying our brains and from frying our skin in a few seconds. She also has lots of water to keep us alive and well. Earth has to be one of the most beautiful and terrifying planet we live on. While she'll protect us she will also destroy us because we have no respect for her or our own kind.
Of course I don't want to delve too much into that, what I really want to talk about is my desire to just leave earth. As harsh as that may sound I'm so tired of being here. A world ruled by money and politics. I have no real say and am instead stuck in a way I never thought I would be. 
Lately I have lost control of really anything in my life. Spefically money and work. I started to just get wrapped up in doing a super cleaning of where I live but my finger which has a damaged nerve still flared up in defiance of my cleaning. And on top of that it's raining and where I live we have a small trash can so putting trash outside is asking for it to get moldy and gross.
I have literally no control of my life at all right now. I'm trapped in a cycle of unknowns and sorrows. All though I'm usually an optimist especially with my thought process of learning more it still breaks me. I'll admit I've cried far more then I care to admit.
It's even better when you can't just ask friends to do something with you due to finals. I have to much respect for education to ask them to push it aside just to indulge me. I may not seem very educated or to some I may seem too educated. But all in all I don't really care.
What I have decided in this time of absolute insanity is one of two options. I'll otherwise be fine, get a good job, find a place of my own, and make enough money to travel to Japan and Europe. Or everything will break, I'll lose my car, and move back home, miserable and broken. But I hate being broken, lived that way for eight years I don't want that anymore.
So I've decided I will just focus on exploring more. Going back home will suck but I'll go more into the mountains wandering the woodland, chasing big horns and mustangs, maybe cross a couple of bears and cougars. I want to not remain stagnate. And that has happened more then I'd care to admit. I don't care if people don't see me as educated due to no diploma.
I know my education, it is considered crazy but sometimes the best minds where called insane. The biggest thing I want to do, is to encourage the creation of holograms we can touch, encourage the creation of hologram billboards. Making an actual AI, we have VI's which are getting there in intelligence but they will always be limited an AI wouldn't be limited. Of course that would terrify scientists the world around, since we feel pretty sure that technology will be our downfall. I agree but we won't know until we've crossed that line.
I also want more of exploration to be done on the earth, exploration of our deepest caves and oceans.
But like I said I'm crazy in my thought. I guess I've been thinking for too long. Guess that happens when everything is taken away from you being able to progress. All I can do now is just try and survive.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need to change how we view HUMANS

Lately I've been hearing about the whole racism, homophobia, and other such hating of humans. But what bothers me most is how we categorize it. It's not any of those areas what it is, if a fear of being human. Let me explain we are not racist we are afraid of judging because someone looks different, it isn't homophobia it is a fear that you maybe attracted to the same sex as well.
I won't deny it, religions have played a part in making it seem that a God they worship hates those kinds of people and thus condems them. But I do not believe that is the case. How I see it when I think about God He is waiting for us to learn how to love being human and all other humans, who look and act different.
Now being smart in all areas of being around another human is important, after all I was not only sexually assaulted by just men but also by women. So I tend to be on guard with women as well, getting undressed in any area where any of the sexes can see me is very uncomfortable. And I wish I didn't feel that way, things would be a little easier. Such as taking a shower at a friends house more comfortably.
But that is the thing. It is not a hatered of lesbians now, it is a caution of all humans. Caution is VERY different from fear. Caution means you understand any person around you can hurt you, but you're willing to interact with all people in the hopes that they won't hurt you.
We need to stop labeling ourselves to a race or even sexual orientation. I'd love if we just called all of ourselves human, full of flaws but worth loving and getting to know. Wouldn't it be better if we could do that? Maybe just my crazy mind. Either way I think we can get there someday.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!