Do you still believe?

So how's it going? Anyways I've just been struggling more and more trying to make a difference in my life and that difference hasn't taken form. What difference am I talking about? The difference of wealth or just enough money to finally just survive.
Gonna stick with the green now. :P But anyways I've just been trying to make enough. Just enough to continue fun video game playthroughs, just enough to get my car fixed.
My poor little car, ok so recently it has been squealing and I don't have the money to take it in to get fixed nor to get it an oil change. :(
I hate this whole trying to just survive. I literally have nothing without the money or means. Yet here I am blabbering about 1st world problems. Yet it has to be something so interesting.
 You see without money there is like no way to do anything. You can't donate to help others and you just are barely breathing to make it. When has money been so consuming in life? I don't know but it makes me sad.
I know that honestly I can't say if I was a millionaire I would never misuse the money. I don't know that for sure, I've never been a millionaire. But in the end I'd hope that if I did have that I would then buy the little house. http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/products/b53/#ad-image-7 I love this little house.
My dream car. http://www.ford.com/cars/focus/trim/electric/ And then to officially adopt my foster wobbly cat, two pitbulls and another homeless kitty. That's my hope, then whatever would be left would go to charities and foundations. Would go to help make a difference.
But again I will never know. Anyways, I just have to keep pushing on.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!

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It's just one big mud pit.

So I'm just doing what I do. Trying to get another job, earn more money, and just effing live. It can be one of the most trying things I have ever done. Despite my being able to show the world my worth they shove me away. Have you heard of this new song?

It's MKTO - Thank You. It's a song that I really enjoy because at one part they say for the drop-outs. Now let me give just some insight. I am NOT a drop-out. I completed all 4 years of high school with a 3.5-4.0 GPA. I passed the English Proficiencies with a score higher than any in my state, yet I failed the math one. You see I had actually finished High School sooner than most of my classmates so I was taking online college courses for most of my Junior and Senior year.
I was so sure I would graduate I didn't stress or worry. I mean my GPA was good and I was taking college classes as well. Here's where it went wrong. I tried so hard to pass the Math Proficiencies, and failed. All ten or eleven times. Yes I retook that test so many times just to pass, just once so I could go to college. In the end I couldn't, and despite my going to school full time and keeping my GPA, they denied my chance to pass.
Yet there was one boy whose GPA was low. And he skipped classes a lot. Yet because he passed both Proficiencies just by the skin of his nose he was granted the diploma.
I couldn't understand. How was it that someone like me who worked hard to try and pass and yet couldn't pass that test was denied her diploma? While on the other side someone who didn't work hard but passed the test was able to get a diploma just for that.
Now here's another story. I had at one point become jobless. I worked hard to try and get another job but in the end it was hopeless. I than went to the IRS to ask for some unemployment help, they denied it to me. The next day my friend called me thinking I got help from the IRS. I told her no, she blew a fuse. Her cousin who loved drugs and drinking was given unemployment help, even though he only had his job for two weeks. (I had my job for nine months)
So why am I bringing these stories to light, in the end I understand I don't know the other parties circumstance, but that doesn't change what these stories are saying. First off our Government is rewarding those who do not work hard. The Government is literally encouraging us to just do nothing and let them take care of us. Second the Government is sending out a message of you work hard then you won't get rewarded. And third they have taught us that it is foolishness to try your hardest to make something happen, just tell them what you want to happen and they will make it happen.
I have never seen myself not working hard to make something happen. Whether it was trying to make an income here on the interwebs or trying to get hired for work. And before when the GED and Adult Education mattered trying to get that. BTW the type of math they now require people to learn is so dumb. You will NEVER use most of what they teach. I've still never used geometry. Either way it is becoming obvious, be lazy and just rely on the Government and you'll get rewarded. Work hard and try to make a change and you'll be punished. Hmm, sounds silly it isn't. Realize what is happening, be a voice of ten million strong, make a difference. Else get prepared to be TOLD what to do and have no freedom at all.
KEEP BELIEVING!! BE STRONG!!!!!

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MAY 21st 10 A.M. Xbox Live!!

I just got the BIG news from Microsoft on their official announcement of the soon to be new console on May 21st at 10 A.M. PDT. It will be viewable on xbox.com and your own Xbox Live on your 360.
As many of you know I am a big gamer and for me I specifically love my Xbox and PC. I do own a PS2 to be able to play an old game of mine called Star Ocean: The Second Story. But in the end I'm kind of a nerding Microsoft fangirl. Anyways if you want to hear the big news then tune in. I will be doing updates after the big announcements and let you all know what Microsoft is bringing to the table!!! :D And best of all going to the mall tomorrow so going into Gamestop to see when they will be allowing pre-orders. :) Lol, well I hope you guys are as pumped as me, for the time enjoy my next episode of the game Devil May Cry. :D

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So it seems

BIG SHOUT OUT TO: DANIEL WATERS!!! AUTHOR OF THE BOOK KISS OF LIFE.

So I decided to start reading again the problem, I get so into the story that when I come back to reality I just want to cry. Recently I was getting more and more better from the bad experience I had with the monster, (as he will now be called.) But I know that my heart and body still are afraid of letting a man touch me.
You see I thought about being able to kiss another man again, and my heart froze. I guess I still have a way to go to repair everything, while the monster doesn't seem to need that. He has gone over to BYU in Provo, UT and already found a girl. Why is it he can't learn? I thought about that a lot.
A recent song I love is by Natalia Kills: Zombie. I'm in love with a zombie, but his heart is so cold! Does he want for my body, or does he want me for my brains, brains, brains, brains.
Just those two lyrics described my time with the monster. Now I am not thinking bad of him, ok no I am. I just want to never go near him ever again. You see falling in love with a zombie isn't good I became very ill, I couldn't think, and I couldn't feel love...just fear.
And now he just is so easily back in the dating world? I just pray no other girl will get hurt. Anyways, I should just forget but dang it's harder than I thought. Anyways I am very much enjoying Devil May Cry and will post two videos of my playthrough down below.
I hope you all are finding strength somewhere. :D
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!

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Doesn't mean I have to stop following my dreams.

Hey all!

So I have been asked to do a playthrough of Devil May Cry. This game is pretty dang fun! I love playing as Dante, and knowing that this game is based off the famous novel is even better.

So I have decided to go ahead and have fun doing what I love to do. I enjoy playing video games. I enjoy watching anime's/reading manga's. I just enjoy being surrounded by books forever.

Just recently I realized that there was a HUGE difference between me and my friends, but I still love them.

They make me smile and want to become better and better because of them. Anyways I have been saving money from my job to be able to go to my Hometown for the huge Armed Forces Day celebration.

I will be doing a vlog as to which I will post to on here. I enjoy what I do and how I do things, if anyone doesn't like it well too bad. I've never been put out by someone commenting that I'm lame or whatever. So I hope you guys have a great week and hopefully I will be able to do a post again soon. :)

KEEP BELEVING!!!!!!

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Anry does some really pretty pictures here are three that I really like. :D

E3!! NEW CONSOLES!!

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Now just give me a moment as my nerdy gamer girl side let's loose. *inhales* ..................YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHA WHOOT!!!! YES YES YES YES YES!!!!!!! YEEE-HAAAAA!!!!!! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *catches breathe, and returns to proper posture*
May I just say that this year at E3 will be the biggest in a long time! With the exciting announcements of Sony's PS4 to Microsoft and the new Xbox, some rumors have even come up about Nintendo releasing some big news.
And for icing on the cake, a trailer of the new Batman: Arkham Origins will be released at the Convention, can I get a what what? Oh yeah it is a big deal. On top many Japanese companies have talked about bringing more of their games to the state. After the success of Ni No Kuni!
Anyways I'm just nerding out about all of this and my friend has made me nerd out more by allowing me her Netflix to enjoy my fav animes, like Ouran Host Club!!
Anyways I'm snacking on some pizza rolls, listening to tweets and videos about the E3 Convention. And just having a ball. Hope you all are having a fantabulous day!!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!

You gotta just relax.

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Have you taken that one day to just sit and be at peace? Have you just taken a moment to do nothing but to just sit still and think? Most likely you said no.
Life tends to be very hectic. We need to eat quickly, get work finished, go home and work some more, and then with reluctance go to sleep. You crawl into bed having your brain still run at a thousand miles per hour, thinking of what you could've done differently. You then probably beat yourself up over it. Oh, if only you didn't have the job you do. If only your kids would understand that you're busy and do not have any time for them. If only your wife would have a bigger dinner prepared, or the nanny would stay all day to just cook for you and your wife.
Have you ever stopped to think that maybe we are not as busy as we claim? I have, many times we get into this mind set of I'm too busy. I need to go to work/school, get home and do more work to pursue what I want to do, check up on friends and family on social networks, and then maybe some TV just before going to bed. Have you ever taken one entire day, out of your week to just go sit in nature?
Gardening is a great thing to do, you take the whole day to just sit out there in nature, your hands working in the dirt. You block out all distractions and focus on tending to your lovely garden. The bees are your friends, the earthworms are helping hands, and you just enjoy being dirty and smelling the sweet smell of the earth.
When you take the chance to completely forget the world(or what we claim is the world) and just listen we hear and understand more. Now have you ever just wanted a time where you could find freedom? Don't let money be your captor, let it be your friend. Money is not a need but a welcome help to meet your needs. I think the biggest problem is this, we are merely focusing on the money.
Money is what we see those who live in big houses, drive nice cars, and just never seem to struggle for want. They always have it all right? Wrong, let me explain, if I could and if I was brave enough, I'd live alone in the woods. My Grandfather on my Dad's side  did that. He loved it and I loved visiting him. It was so nice to be up in the woods, surrounded by trees and just hearing nothing but nature. No cars, no phones, it was nice.
I promise that if you take a moment to forget the world you will be able to better understand yourself.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!

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Have you ever just wanted to take a step into a book? To just leave this world and go to one in the place of the main character?
I have many a time. In fact in my published book Parallel the Other Planet, I included a saying on the main characters sword. "Never give up, just escape to another world." More often than not I see myself just day after day yearning for the chance to truly escape. I always wait for a white rabbit to lead me down a hole to another world.
It has to be one of the few feelings we as humans all share. We just want the chance to change our world and wonder at how we can change our world. Many times we are told think positive thoughts and the universe will listen and obey. Other times you're just told to lay down and accept the life you were given.
I find that neither one really help. Here is how I helped myself. My books are my greatest escape. I fall into the story and become such a part of it that if you were to interupt me I would probably not even notice. I literally escape this world and go to another. It is a feeling that I love and even though I'm never truly gone for ever, I am gone long enough for my heart to receive ease and peace of mind.
Many times we just say, "It is impossible for me to escape reality so why should I escape for a little while?" Because your physical body needs it. You see I'm very healthy and I contribute it to my being able to escape those few times. It doesn't last true, but when I allow my thoughts to be swallowed up in the romance or action, I allow myself to not be me.
A chance to be someone else to be a hero. A chance to make a difference even if you are unable to do so in your life. A chance to truly yearn for change.
For me I always focus on romance. What a character does for romance, and the one who gives the romance. In a manga/video game/movie(anime) I enjoy the female protagonist with Boris or the Cheshire Cat. Boris is such a sweet and loving character who see's Alice for her worth. I ignore the rest of the story to be honest, since I hate Blood, but whenever there is Boris I smile.
I know what I want in a man, I won't let myself become a Harley Quinn again I will forever be someone who falls for a Boris.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!

Are you still believing?

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Hello again.

So I have decided to go back to doing something that I love to do. Making AMV's or Amatuer Made Video's. Most of what I make are music videos with clips or pictures. It is a lot of fun and I really enjoy doing it. Sometimes I get really caught up in making it that I will stay up all night just finish it. But I don't do that anymore since I'm now a YouTube partner. Since I am a YouTube partner doing anything with copyright tied to it that isn't for consumer use of fair rights means I'm kicked out of being a partner.

Now I'm not making any money on Youtube so I could just go ahead and get rid of my partnership with them. But alas I keep hope that some how I can make some money online.

But anyways so the music videos I'm so having fun with them. I used pictures from Quinrose's otome game Heart/Clover/Joker/Diamond no Kuni no Alice. The games are all based around Alice in Wonderland. And the story line is amazing. I'm such a romantic at heart. All I wish for is that the men in the game were real.

Sigh, but anyways I'm trying to save up some money to buy a Japanese PSP and then get all the games. But man, Japan you pricey. The PSP costs around $600 and that's without the shipping. My Xbox 360 only cost me $140. On top of that the games are each priced at $100 or more. So it will be a LONG time till I an own the games. But for now I enjoy them releasing pictures and stories of the game. Including the movie animes.

I really hope that at some point they would see the profit they could make here in the states. But if not I will get the money some day and play those glorious games.

So as I always say.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!

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Hello everyone.

Sorry it has been like FOREVER since I last did a post. I've been having a pretty hard time. And I will be explaining why. You see this guy who I learned had used me, and abused me to a point that I was always blaming myself for our failing relationship. During that time I grew closer to Harley then I had ever been before. I now tell my friends I don't ever want to be a Harley Quinn ever again.

Now this guy heard rumors. Apparently some of these rumors were about what he did to me. Now mind you I didn't tell anyone and those whom I did tell NEVER told anyone else. But anyways the rumors are ruining his friendship with most of them. He also forgot that he had shown in public that he was cheating on me. I think that speaks volumes enough for no one wanting to stay his friend.

Now I wish no ill will on him I don't. All I wish for is for him to learn, but he hasn't. Because of the loss of friends he sent me texts, and calls, and Facebook messages. Yelling at me, blaming me, and tearing me down to the lowest of possible lows.

I was scared because he would threaten then act as if he never meant it. I told my friends and they all aimed to keep me safe. I was grateful but it took some time to build myself back up. To finally end it I had to be pretty harsh. I hate being mean but when someone isn't getting the message any other way...Well I told him that he needed to stop blaming me. I wasn't in his life any more so there was no sense in blaming me. I also told him to leave me alone. I never knew what the saying, "You make me sick," ever meant until I got out of the relationship. My body in defense would make me ill. I told him that and stated that if he were to harass me more then I would get a restraining order.

So he finally stopped. He, stopped? HE STOPPED!! I was so happy when finally there was nothing more. I felt relief and was so glad. I then found something I never thought I would find. Quinrose, who are a Japanese Otome video game makers released their movie of their top hit game Heart no Kuni no Alice. I got to watch the whole movie, the entire time my heart swooning at the handsome men in it.

I especially love Boris Airay. He is such a sweet heart and he also is the personification of the Cheshire Cat. I love Lewis Caroll's book of Alice in Wonderland. Many claim he wrote the book while being high, but few miss the whole message to his books. 

Having to grow up, having to see the world in all it's ugliness? Why do that when you can simple escape to wonderland. Yet why do that when you can never learn? A world twisted around were right becomes wrong and wrong is right. It is quite a mind bender. 

Would you choose to follow the rabbit down the rabbit hole or would you rather you stay and have to deal with real life?

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!