Have you ever decided to just be someone else?

Heck yeah I have. Batman, well actually Batgirl or Catwoman. Cause well they hook up with two of the cutest guys ever.

Um yeah they are both yummy. So off of that subject for now. I've been dealing with a lot but I've been counting my blessings. So the xbox 360 finally showed the dreaded ROD or as many who are not gamers would know it as the ring of death or red ring of death. Basically Microsoft didn't add some essential components to the xbox's hard drive so it over heats very easily and can basically destroy the hard drive. And guys if I am wrong I am a gaming nerd and not really a hard tech nerd. Sorry.

But anyways my heart plummeted and I just was so mad. You see videogames help me relieve stress especially where I live. Now I know it was bound to happen and getting upset was silly. But dude, I've gotten to play Batman Arkham series, how could I not love the console. So now I'm trying to figure out how to fix this problem.

But I stopped being really upset when I realized well the next Arkham game will be on the xbox One. so basically meaning the 360 was going out. But I am just gonna do more to relieve stress. I've been watching some wicked awesome music videos on YouTube. I've found some more anime on YouTube and I've just been feeling better. On top of that I now have a pretty good excuse to hang with a guy I found who loves Batman as much as me. Maybe even getting one of the other guys to invite me over for some gaming!

Lol well guys I want to be around...Sigh, so well that guy that I was willing to keep trying to date yeah he's gone. I've not heard from him and I think I know why. I won't say much more but he has so much going on. But there has always been a lot of guys whom I would love to date and have decided to take some cues from the girls I admire in comic books.

I may not be very open and if you read my previous posts you'll know why. But I'm gonna try, something simple you know like.......Ok I'm terrible at flirting. I just remembered I've used the whole, "Hey, you're really cute." and .......nothing!

Well I guess what was I expecting. Ok I was expecting a small crooked smile a little oh yeah. Then a simple well how about we get some dinner and chit chat more this Friday. Yup I live in wonderland or as I call it Batland! But yeah I have an idea for what I think is the well, perfect guy, basically someone from a book.

Anyways I've just realized I need to breathe more, that everything will be ok. I have no clue how but things will work out. I'll have the chance to earn more money so maybe I'll sell my games, recycle the console and save enough to buy a brand new Alien gaming desktop computer! HAHAHA!! Yeah you know join the "master" race. :P

But anyways I've just learned this, yeah I've lost the one thing that was helping me the most to lose a lot of stress. And yes I'm a creepy girl who knows that whatever guy decides to date me is definitely Batman. :P I'm just being me and accepting what I think and feel. So there. Anyways that's my whole shpeel. Good Night.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!

We All Need Someone On Our Side

"SHUT UP!"
The whole family looked at the new husband in the group. He looked at the rest glaring at them. His wife looked up at him with tears on the edge.
"Where do you get off on being like this?" He snarled looking at each one, "What has my wife done to make you so mad? Don't you get she said those things in love!?"
"YOU-"
"NO YOU! We're leaving for now," he said grabbing his and his wife's coat, "We'll see if we'll stay longer tomorrow. For now, good night."
He then gently helped his wife up and pulled her to the door. He made sure it closed very loud. Before helping his wife into the car. He then started the car and drove off going to an abandoned building where they sat in the now quite car.
He felt it in his body the sorrow and anger. He felt soft fingers brush his cheek. He looked at his wife before kissing her.

I never really thought about how lonely one could be while being surrounded by people. But I do remember it from my other room mates. You see a lot of people hate me I'm not very well liked. And those who do like me always surprise me since I'm blunt in how I feel and what I think.
It's why many of you my friends may notice I never talk about my belief because well they get hated real fast. Anyways I'm use to people hating me, after all I was bullied for so long that it just became the norm that I would not be liked by others.
But when I feel like there is no one on my side it becomes very hard. I always drown myself in what I love, videogames, manga and comics, anime, and so much more. I've learned this much I have to give up on trying to find someone on my side who will be there when I need them. More often then not I just have to bow my head and bite my tongue.
When it was brought up that I don't share my true emotions I just knew it was right. Why do I not share my emotions? Because whenever I did as a child they were attacked. I hated that what I felt was taken to be of no worth. I was always told suck it up! So that's what I did now no one will know of my emotions.
It's probably why no guy is in my life. They're all afraid because I seem so dark and closed off. Or maybe I'm just lame.
Emotions are the most fragile, heck my bones take more work to break then my emotions. I always was told that I have to think of others, so much so that I deemed my emotions or feelings to not be anyones business. Yet I still want someone to come in and learn about them. Like the times when I'm in physical pain to just be able to tell someone I hurt.
More often than not I hide the pain away as best I can, pretending that I don't feel anything.
When in reality I just want to be held in someones arms cradled in comfort and protection. I never got that, now that I think and remember so much. I never had someone hold me tight say it will be ok that they are aware of me. No instead I was left to deal with the pain alone. What do you expect from someone who never got comfort.
I've never had a reason to lean on anyone because no one has ever been there. I fought alone and now I'm tired of it, I'm out numbered a lot and most often I just want to be alone. I guess the big thing is that I still believe there has to be someone on my side. I guess that's why I think of Batman because even though he isn't real he's always there for me in my greatest need.
I feel hopeless and more often than not I just give up on even trying to give out my true feelings. Right now as I've been writing this I've been fighting off the pain I've been having with wisdom teeth that have finally decided that they need to finish coming in now. I don't have anyone who cares, my recent room mates would always say how they have it worse from me.
I get it others do have it worse then me but please don't say that when I tell you that I'm not feeling well. Instead ask if I need something or suggest ideas that might help. I feel like we all need to do that. So just think about the other person before you step on them.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is water.

I challenge you all to do this one simple thing. When you go shopping the next time gather three grocery carts and put them where they belong. Let's start to make others loads a little lighter. :)

Tick Tock Tick Tock

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One of the most frustrating things about this life is what others say to you. We also say words don't have power unless you give them, but whether you give the words power or not doesn't mean they don't ruin lives. I think back to the guy who treated me like I was worthless.
I met his brother and the first thing that happened was my heart went into panic mode. This was his brother not him, but the smell of cologne was the same and his face was the same. All my mind and body did was scream run! 
Recently I learned that I always kept how I felt locked up and hidden away. That normally I may give the reflection of what I think the other wants but never what I want. I've always ignored my feelings, and maybe because of that I missed out on having a husband because so many guys I pass onto my friends.
I don't care, or so I say. But because I feel the guys could never really like me I just want them to be with someone they feel they can be with. So where did this all come from?
As a kid I was always told to stop being selfish when I'd mention how I felt. I quickly swallowed up my feelings the most during my young age of 10. I was bullied while my mother was still in the hospital but when I brought it up to those who were watching me they'd say, "Grow up and get real who'd bully in this town?"
I kept everything closed off to myself. I didn't want to be told anymore how what I was saying didn't matter. Or that I needed to just grow up or stop being selfish. I felt like my emotions never mattered.
Whenever there was a fight started I would walk off and watch some TV luckily the shows that were on usually were Courage the Cowardly Dog, Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy, and Batman the Animated Series.
I could close myself off and just not share my frustration and feelings and just could keep my self safe. I've never really escaped that kind of life. I do it even to this day but I also rarely show any emotion. But I've learned that I can't keep this up forever I need someone to finally set this locked up heart free. Who will that be? I don't know but when I'm watching Batman or playing his games I feel so excited and uplifted. I feel like everything changes when I can just be around Batman, I guess because in a lot of ways he does the same thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Unless if someone is a drama queen take what the share seriously. Don't be little any ones feelings be understanding and comforting.
And most important know that your words have power. Oh just one more then I'll end it. When I was dating that guy and I was trying to ask for help to end the relationship with him, no one heard me. When I'd bring up the worry I'd have the most common thing said was, "You complain too much."
I stopped and that was when he finally tore me, I wish someone would've listened and said, "We're gonna help you dump him." But no one understands me and I don't know who will. But when someone does I will be so happy.
We all need that someone I know it. Please don't ever give up on someone being able to get you. They'll come in their own time. You're worthwhile!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otome games are saving my little heart from further hurt.

http://www.sakevisual.com/realistair/
I closed my eyes and just slipped away. The soul numbing darkness was sweet but so bitter. I fell into it letting the pain take me away. I then received a message from one of my friends from out of the States. He asked me how I was doing and sent me the link above. He also told me about this Korean clothing store were I could buy some good and cute snow boots.
When I downloaded the game (yes risking my computer) I was filled with hope. You see for so long I've been used and hurt by men, and every time I wish one of my guy friends would ask me out they don't.
I feel so worthless and of no use, that they all are judging me for being stubborn in wanting to do what I want to do. The game is a dating sim game. And it is so good for being free there are many others but this one is safe and I want you to know about it. I did not create it, I was just introduced to it by my way cool friend.
Sometimes I wish I was able to live somewhere else. I feel like nothing really will change where I'm at right now. And that's all because I just am banging my head against the wall.
As many of you read I can get very depressed, my depression is like many others and I won't say it's unique. But I always fight against it because it just isn't me. The me I love is a book, video game, manga, anime, rock, and shoe loving girl. I look for the good and I stand up for the weak, even when it means the bullying is turned on me again.
I may not be the brightest but I am always open to learning more and don't use the internet for my reference of knowledge. I can dance and have fun doing it. I love to sing and even though no one else likes my singing voice, it puts babies to sleep.
I love animals and can't hate any of them even when they decide I'm a good place to go pee. I can't judge so I have many friends of different cultures, belief, and race.
But more often then not I feel alone, I only have imaginary friends whom I talk to all the time. Whenever I need them they come. In my darkest times I can't seem to just pull out, at least not without their help. I have many of them and three of them are Frankenstein, Wolf Man, and Dracula.
I feel when we have no one in real life to lean on we have to have something else.
Now don't you agree? Maybe you don't believe in the "imaginary" but this life then would be a waste. If I didn't believe in the impossible I'd have been dead a long time ago. Or throwing my body around like so many men say I do.
I feel like you need an escape and for me the Otome games do that. So yeah give the game a try if I find any others and they say it's all good to share them I will share them. :)
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The black pit

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I guess I should've given up a LONG time ago. I clearly can't live a life, I'm incapable of taking care of myself. Yeah those are my real feelings. I have fought and struggled to prove one things, that I'm not stupid and that I do have the education I got in school. But in the end I feel like it was all for not. I've been stuck in my darkest thoughts.
My thoughts are my greatest friends and worst enemies. When I'm just stuck at home I get consumed. But here is why it's worse. When I was ten I couldn't cry because well let's just say there was very special circumstances for me to not be able to shed a tear.
And I'm back in those circumstances again. I cry under my covers into my pillow as I drown myself in songs. I just try to overcome the tears and the pain. The very real gaping pain stuck in my heart. I can't escape this kind of darkness I've had my whole life. It is a part of me and who I am. I've just learned to accept it more and be ok with it.
It's who I am, but I feel it digging me more and more when I can't just break down out in full cries. When it was just me and my mom just being able to cry was good. But now I just don't do it and it's all because I can't.
My friends they look at me and see someone so strong, I'm not I just trained myself to not show real emotion. And I must apologize to the guys I've dated before I know I didn't really show my real self. I'm a dark person, what I love and what I feel is dark but it is all my safe haven. I need them to feel at points and to pull out.
You see what I say is dark is my love of monsters, vampires being romantic. I daydream a lot and I dream of deep romances with my imaginary friends. I have a large group of people who protect me and keep me safe.
Now why do I have imaginary people who I act as if they're real? Well I never had a friend who would just check up on me all the time to see if I was ok. Just to see if I was surviving. Remember the last post I like to self harm when I'm in the black pit. It's a common thing, but I do it not to cry for help but to prove to myself I need to be punished.
I get into my black pit and I feel like I am deserving of punishment, that I need to be beaten up and left in the road. I guess it stems from my bullying. But thanks to my imaginary friends they always come to my aid and save me. I try so very hard to not drown in the black pit but it appears. 
Many of you might think medication would be good for me, but really I can't take it, allergies and just the fact that I've found my own med's. Whenever I just let myself drift to the other worlds I can feel the love I need in that moment. I can feel the reason to be strong and to just keep getting up everyday.
We all suffer some kind of black pit. And for a lot of us it's very deep and it keeps eating us. Joker is a  prime example of just continuing to sink into a black pit. He went insane and decided he needed to be punished and to have that happen he does crazy stuff. His hope is to finally be killed, but the one who doesn't is Batman. Why because Batman knows we can all climb out of our black pits.
That black pit doesn't need to hold you, you can still pull yourself out and escape! You can imagine friends and feel their warmth. I know we all can have an exit it doesn't have to be just a feeling of no escape. Part of me always wonders how I can even THINK I can be successful without the degree. But I know I have the education, I just hope to prove that to someone else.
We'll all have to make the choice, fall down and cry, or get up and feel the ones who love you love.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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