The World Will Always Love Telling Us How We Are Inferior

I don't normally feel very inferior but lately I feel like everything I try to do is just going to lead to me falling short. I've been trying for over a year to get another job just to earn some money so I can actually, you know, SURVIVE! I then made a decision to work on getting some foreign languages under my belt and trying to get a degree in becoming an Interpreter/Translator.
But when I tried to asking the College I was planning to attend for the degrees they basically shot me down with the reminder that I don't have a high school diploma. I felt instantly torn down and I was left feeling upset, then I felt jealous when a friend got her call for her mission to Japan. A mission is a two year or 18 month service, that a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints serves in order to spread the word of Christ and his gospel.
So why am I jealous of my friend going a mission to Japan? Well you see back when I was younger I had made it a goal that I would serve a mission once I was twenty one. I had made all these plans to be able to go and instead I was denied the chance, the Bishop at the time tried to make it better by saying I probably will find my husband.
And here I am 7 years later upset and confused. I have become more determined on becoming an Interpreter and Translator but it doesn't make anything easier it just makes me much more stubborn. I want to finally do what I want to do and not have anything bad happen...Probably am asking for too much with that. I've decided to do another blog and this one will be about my life, the crazy experiences and the life changing experiences I've had.
I'm not a very strong person my heart has always been so worn and now when I'm trying to make what I want come to fruition it's just not that easy and I'm terrified that it may backfire and I'll end up worse off. But I'll keep trying and I have to work on these feelings so I can be happy for my friend rather then jealous.
I can do this, you can do this!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Keep Pushing!

Last year I was bit by a dog. My finger got infected and ever since the surgery to save it, it has been difficult. The finger is numb and every time I push it just a bit more it goess into severe pain. But I've made it a priority of mine to push it. I've started one my push ups again and I'm working on my one armed push ups since the arm with the injured finger can't do it for very long.
But I realized something interesting while I was exercising. I need to keep pushing in all areas of life. I realized I need to do more, for myself especially. What I've been doing for so long is just to let others get what they want and ignore my own feelings or sorrows. I just kept ignoring the pain I was suffering and instead kept taking care of others before myself. 
I am in no way saying that I'll stop caring for others but I need to take a moment and care for myself. For so long I've been staring at my life and the difficulties I've had to face for so long. And each time how I neglected myself.
When I left my home town to try and make college a reality I thought maybe I'd find someone who could take care of me while I take care of them and others. But I've realized I do that too much and I need to stop it. I don't know where the heck my life is going but I'm gonna step off this cliff now and see where in the world I fall.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!

L(love) I(in) F(fullness) E(everyday)

"Mom, Dad?"
Those were the two words I uttered when I had tried to move after the car crash. My legs were broken and my whole body was covered in glass and metal. I watched my father trying to help despite half of his head being caved in. My sister was still in a panic and my Uncle had a damaged face.
Blood was on the car and things were suddenly so real and terrifying. I was only ten years old. I never stop to think my circumstances were extreme, but when I look at this incident and then what followed next in my life, I almost feel like I'm in a book of some kind. 
I've been struggling recently because I'm 27 years old and I thought my life would be set, but instead I'm facing many more new challenges. And the funny thing there is no one who can understand. I sound so whiney but you know for once I want to whine. I want to cry over this life I've had. I want to go back to that night when I woke up to my body being in severe pain and not having it happen.
I wish things had gone differently, I wish that things hadn't have happened. But yet they did and they made me into the woman that I am. A tough brutal woman who doesn't take crap.
But as soon as I feel just a little weak and just want a friend to listen to me it's like this change. And it seems none of the people I know get that even I am still fragile. I've grown tired of being the strong woman who never has a bad day.
I have moments where I just want to scream or shoot something. I have days where I need a freaking punching bag to help. I have days where I just want a husband who can love me until I'm better.
But those days are just me alone, suffering quitely and not letting others know. Especially since I don't have any mental illnesses that are permament but many of my friends do. You see meeting with my therapist she has told me that I am unusual with how I handle my pain.
But I'm not that unusual I just had an amazing dog who was my friend and everything. Rover was my reason to keep living everyday, he was also my reason to stay strong no matter how many times I was beaten by my bullies. If I didn't have my dog I already know I would've killed myself a long time ago.
But now I'm faced with more difficulties and no dog to comfort me in sight. I try relying on humans, but they don't understand. You see being the strong one my whole life has made me angry. I just want to be weak for once and have some let me cry in their arms.
I always feel torn apart and I just grit my teeth smile and keep walking. I do have Danish blood so maybe the story of the Little Mermaid is based on real women who just bared through the pain. I do have things to be grateful for. I have money, I have a Xbox and HDTV, I have a healthy and happy cat, I don't have asthma (despite what my doctor thought), I can buy Japanese food and snacks that I love, I can listen to music that I love, and I can take amazing pictures with my camera.
I still look for the good and try to serve where I can, but I also have started to remind myself that I'm not Wonder Woman. I'm strong sure, but I also need someone to support me. But I haven't found that someone yet, so instead I'll just keep my teeth grit and smile for the sake of my friends.
I'll no longer let others see me weak. Especially since I am sick of being told that I'm just whining. People don't seem able to understand that I can't just bare everything given to me. I've stopped friends from committing suicide, I've taken the assaults to keep friends safe, I've seen more then most in a lifetime. I'm good on never seeing it again, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
You fight! You stand strong and you keep stepping forward carrying your fallen comrades. You stay strong despite the pain, and while no one will ever understand I do and my life will always be a hidden struggle and I have no idea how I'm gonna face this alone but I will.
I've got to change the way things are for now and just do what I can to heal.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mysterious and Alluring

"I find you mysterious. I barely know anything of your past and that makes you so alluring to me. I want to have you be mine."

Not romantic especially right now. I appreciate what he said but if you knew why he was saying that you'd also cringe. He's a nice guy, but he has a lot of things to work on. Sadly before this I was only his well masturbation fuel, and yes he would tell me that in many messages.

So you can see why I've cringed at the message he sent. My response was light and quick to tell him no. "Um, Thanks. That's nice of you to say but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Too much going on to even think of that." And just like that I felt comfortable and happy.

It's nice to hear a guy call my mysterious or alluring, but I don't want a man in my life right now. At least not one I've known before. I want a brand new man to want to get to know me. And to learn he won't get every detail of my past when he wants to know more about me. Huh, it's probably why I'm always playing Mass Effect just to have my Turian say silly and cute things. Oh Garrus. Oh right blog.

But why is it that most guys who talk like that are also the ones who messaged me before with either saying I'm good to masturbate to, or a picture of those nether parts I don't care about. It seriously frustrates me when most guys see me as that. I get sexua; arousal and thoughts when interested in someone, but when did it become I tell you outright I only see you good for sex?

I'm starting to think I should really go to NASA and tell them I'm more then happy to leave earth for Mars. Maybe leaving will help to really find myself. Anyways I've been throwing away things that have been part of my past. I want to toss my yearbooks but those cost a lot so ugh. But I realized all my friends from my past don't talk to me anymore. And how freeing that was.

Playing the big sister for many of them was not how I wanted things to continue. But my future is the same as well just with new people. But I'm glad that I'm finally letting my past go, all the judgement, hate, and physical/emotional trauma it is being let go. I can smile not just because people need me to smile but because I am genuinely happy and FREE!

Today when that message was recieved I learned everything from my past was no longer with me. I learned of my worth and I know someone new and amazing will come into my life and we'll dance to a tone of our own music. New friends will remain, but old ones will be greeted with courtesy let go but not forgotten.

For once I can say I'm truly free and seeing so much more. So thank you to the men who've used me, I've seen my worth and beauty and I'm never letting this feeling go. I hope things change but I am truly grateful. 

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are "things" all useless and not helpful?

One of my friends loves to tell me over and over that buying that new videogame, or that new book is just a waste of money. That I will never be able to take the book or videogame with me. And that was in I finally snapped and told her to leave me alone.
Lately, all though I appreciate and love my friends, they have made me feel like every choice I want to make is wrong. But this one thought stopped me. Why do we love playing videogames or reading books? It's true in the end at some point the physical parts of them will be gone. Turned into dust, blown away never to be physically seen again.
Yet they never truly leave us, the stories and adventures stay in our hearts and minds forever. I find it ironic that people seem to see books and videogames bad, when they are like humans. I love humans yet they frustrate me, there are many good humans whom we can learn so much from. But there are also plenty bad and destructive humans who still learn from.
We list things as if they are bad. But not all things are just items you trade and forget some of these "things" are like a human. I've been playing Mass Effect alot lately, just a way to think differently and to have hope in my most dark moment. Sadly I can't tell friends how dark, I'd scare them if I did.
The most prominent thought has been that if I go bankrupt then I will leave this planet. I want to go off world explore outside of the earths protection to another planet where there could possibly be no return.
If I told my friends that they would tell me why I have to stay but I want to do more then I've done now. I try writing sadly headaches and nausea keeps me from writing, the joys of being anxious over the outcome. I don't know if that will be what will happen but hopefully something will happen and I'll be able to just relax and focus on my stories again.
I'm scared and that fear does make doing what I want more difficult but I believe in things working out. So I'll keep trying to just get somewhere in life and make something big happen.
Don't undermine the help and strength a "thing" has. It can change how you view things it can help you stay positive and happy. Things can not be defined so if something changes your views in a positive way then hold on to those.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hey guys I'm going to be making a T-Shirt based on my drawing here with the saying I use to keep myself up KEEP BELIEVING I hope that you guys will definantly buy one when it comes out. Also I'm planning to do some YouTube vlogging, I'm hoping my first video will be an unboxing. Thanks for supporting my blog. :)

The complete course change

Fascinating world that we live in. The earth has so many secrets. She is protected by a magnetic field that keeps the solar radiation from frying our brains and from frying our skin in a few seconds. She also has lots of water to keep us alive and well. Earth has to be one of the most beautiful and terrifying planet we live on. While she'll protect us she will also destroy us because we have no respect for her or our own kind.
Of course I don't want to delve too much into that, what I really want to talk about is my desire to just leave earth. As harsh as that may sound I'm so tired of being here. A world ruled by money and politics. I have no real say and am instead stuck in a way I never thought I would be. 
Lately I have lost control of really anything in my life. Spefically money and work. I started to just get wrapped up in doing a super cleaning of where I live but my finger which has a damaged nerve still flared up in defiance of my cleaning. And on top of that it's raining and where I live we have a small trash can so putting trash outside is asking for it to get moldy and gross.
I have literally no control of my life at all right now. I'm trapped in a cycle of unknowns and sorrows. All though I'm usually an optimist especially with my thought process of learning more it still breaks me. I'll admit I've cried far more then I care to admit.
It's even better when you can't just ask friends to do something with you due to finals. I have to much respect for education to ask them to push it aside just to indulge me. I may not seem very educated or to some I may seem too educated. But all in all I don't really care.
What I have decided in this time of absolute insanity is one of two options. I'll otherwise be fine, get a good job, find a place of my own, and make enough money to travel to Japan and Europe. Or everything will break, I'll lose my car, and move back home, miserable and broken. But I hate being broken, lived that way for eight years I don't want that anymore.
So I've decided I will just focus on exploring more. Going back home will suck but I'll go more into the mountains wandering the woodland, chasing big horns and mustangs, maybe cross a couple of bears and cougars. I want to not remain stagnate. And that has happened more then I'd care to admit. I don't care if people don't see me as educated due to no diploma.
I know my education, it is considered crazy but sometimes the best minds where called insane. The biggest thing I want to do, is to encourage the creation of holograms we can touch, encourage the creation of hologram billboards. Making an actual AI, we have VI's which are getting there in intelligence but they will always be limited an AI wouldn't be limited. Of course that would terrify scientists the world around, since we feel pretty sure that technology will be our downfall. I agree but we won't know until we've crossed that line.
I also want more of exploration to be done on the earth, exploration of our deepest caves and oceans.
But like I said I'm crazy in my thought. I guess I've been thinking for too long. Guess that happens when everything is taken away from you being able to progress. All I can do now is just try and survive.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need to change how we view HUMANS

Lately I've been hearing about the whole racism, homophobia, and other such hating of humans. But what bothers me most is how we categorize it. It's not any of those areas what it is, if a fear of being human. Let me explain we are not racist we are afraid of judging because someone looks different, it isn't homophobia it is a fear that you maybe attracted to the same sex as well.
I won't deny it, religions have played a part in making it seem that a God they worship hates those kinds of people and thus condems them. But I do not believe that is the case. How I see it when I think about God He is waiting for us to learn how to love being human and all other humans, who look and act different.
Now being smart in all areas of being around another human is important, after all I was not only sexually assaulted by just men but also by women. So I tend to be on guard with women as well, getting undressed in any area where any of the sexes can see me is very uncomfortable. And I wish I didn't feel that way, things would be a little easier. Such as taking a shower at a friends house more comfortably.
But that is the thing. It is not a hatered of lesbians now, it is a caution of all humans. Caution is VERY different from fear. Caution means you understand any person around you can hurt you, but you're willing to interact with all people in the hopes that they won't hurt you.
We need to stop labeling ourselves to a race or even sexual orientation. I'd love if we just called all of ourselves human, full of flaws but worth loving and getting to know. Wouldn't it be better if we could do that? Maybe just my crazy mind. Either way I think we can get there someday.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Video Games and Books taking us away from Reality

So from previous posts I'm sure you can guess that my life has become a broken swirl of chaos, pain, stress, and sorrow. I've never felt so down and depressed as I do now and never once have I felt so swallowed up in fear and worry. I have so much that is wrong with where I live and with trying to figure out how to make money come into my life.
Luckily, I have managed to keep my Xbox 360 alive and kicking. I've named the big white box Galacticus. Just because the console is that amazing for still kicking and working long and hard. Plus when I bought it at the Pawn Shop it had a free game disc in it, so SCORE!
With everything crazy that has been happening I've been drowning myself in one of my most favorite games ever. Mass Effect, a story of a soldier who learns of a robotic race coming to wipe out all organic life again. It is one of the most amazing games I have ever played, it draws me in and makes me excited as I run around shooting machines, making friends with awesome aliens, etc.
But I realized very quickly why I love the games so much. If you read from this point on and never played the game there will be big spoilers.
In the game they give a romance option. In the first one you have only two choices, for Female Shepard you can romance Kaidan (human), or Liara (Asari) if you play male you still have Liara but you can romance Ashley. Also the romance options depend on if you save Ash or Kai from the bomb on Virmire.
In the second game you have three options, of course for the female shepard Jacob (human), Thane (Drell), and Garrus (Turian he is also one of four of your crew who is with you in all three games). For male Jack (human), Miranda (human), and Tali (Qurian she is another who is with you all three games).
And in the third game you can literally romance anyone. Garrus, Tali, Miranda, Jack, Thane, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Traynor, Cortez. The funniest part of this all is in the Citadel DLC you can have a one night stand with James or Javick. But you can see the fun of the game.
But of course my reason for loving the game so much is Garrus and Tali. Since they are the only two who stay with you all three games. For me that spells true love and trust. They're aliens who have dextro-amino acids, so they have to eat different food from the rest of the aliens. And Tali has a huge risk of getting sick just from taking her mask off. 
But they are there through it all. Saren, Collectors, and Reapers. When I do the romance part of the game I romance one of them.
Garrus is my favorite by far but that is because I can make my female Shep look like me. So meh, can pretend lol. But the real reason I love the games is that it gives me a chance to forget all the things that are going wrong in my life. I can just run around killing Reapers and choosing to destroy them or make synthesis(joining of flesh and machine together) happen.
I don't have to think about how things feel like they are falling to pieces I can just focus on stopping Harbinger. I feel if videogames give you another world to escape they play the same role and part as books, just more choices and action. Anyways just a random write for the day.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darkening Clouds

I live out in the West and as many know we are suffering from a severe drought that could lead to another Dust Bowl. But what is more interesting to me about this all is just the fact that it's making me want to find an answer for all the difficult problems. I find things to be really hard and not a soul can help me. I'm trapped in a place worse then purgatory really.
I can't move forward much. Trying this and hoping friends would support is a sad excuse of hope. I love my friends and family but it just feels like such a waste of time and energy when all I seem good for many of them is just being a listening ear. I'm grateful I can do that but many times I wish they would return the favor.
I wish I could just talk not have someone stop me and say how they see it and causing me to feel I can't open my mouth. When ever I write and I meet new characters they become my screaming voice. The voice that so often is shot down because no one agrees with me.
My mother is the only one who listens to me and I'm very grateful to her for it. I don't know what I would do without her. She makes it easy for me to at least have one person who will listen to me.
I've been having huge struggles with the whole financial crisis of the health care I was provided for an infected finger. And no one seems to get it, they just assume I'll be ok because of where I live. But where I live makes me extra depress and desiring to just run away and live among wolves or something. 
I didn't choose any of this and that's what makes things much more difficult. I wish I had just gone to New York to pursue my writing and fashion. Or that I could've tried for Nasa in building robotics like my father did. I wanted to be MORE then I am now.
And I feel like now I'm just too late, I can't change anything. I am stuck being judged and shot down. Maybe I need to be more harsh, stop my friends but I can't do that, not since I lost my father.
I'm gonna continue thinking of my books, gonna keep writing. Gonna play games I love, read books I love, and just do more to feel happy and excited for life. I miss that each day thinking new ideas writing more and seeing more, then the brick wall with spikes. Wish me luck.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The eye of the storm

Hmm, what a long year this has been so far. And yet I'm still stuck in mid air wondering where I'm going to fall next. Recently I had this dog bite happen and now I have more new problems. 
So the government is suppose to be making sure we get covered by health insurance. Well they just rejected me recently, making up a fake job and tips for me. Really Government if I made any where close to 1700$ a month I wouldn't even bother asking for help. But whatever. 
Then an old room mate who never had me sign anything nor can pursue legal action against me since it's been almost 5 years since I lived with her, threatened me. I of course very calmly told her to just leave me alone because she had no right to do nor say what she said. She hasn't messaged me since but whatever. 
And of course Collections is getting into the mix of things. Luckily I have amazing people who are supporting me and helping me out. And even though I have been over the top stressed I'm grateful that at least something is trying to be done.
Either way I just bought a wig that I'll wear to be the new Mythical Twist, gonna start doing make-up videos and vlogs. I also want to get it started to a point where the make-up will be based off of peoples favorite videogame characters.
That's the biggest and most positive plus I have thus far, playing Mass Effect trilogy, Batman Arkham series, Red Dead Redemption, Remember Me, Prototype, Minecraft, Walking Dead, and the one game to help me scream my frustration out Dark Souls. I'm insane. lol
But either way these games have kept me together thus far. And it's a huge deal because I've been crying way more then normal. I feel we have to find something that can hold us together and luckily I found mine. Still hoping everything else will be fixed soon and I can get back some kind of normal to my life. Either way it will get better somehow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Been A Long Time

It's been a really stupid long time. Hah, so wow a ton of crap has happened during this time of absence and I wish I could say it's all dealt with and over. But sadly I'm pretty sure this is still just the very beginning. So what all happened? Well the laptop I had fell into two, I finally got a new one. And I was attacked by a dog.

That is my finger after it was cut open to clean out the infection and then was stitched back together. This was the day I was able to get the stitches out. Yeah that dog bit was only a little bite that got severely infected, even though I scrubbed it with soap and dumped hydrogen peroxide on it. And even better having to figure out how to pay the over 300k medical bills. Which are still getting bigger because of therapy. Oh and if you are wondering why I don't have medicade I tried for it but got no response back on it so yeah.
Anyways I've just had a really REALLY rough go to this year of 2015. And to be honest I'm so done, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I'm still at risk with the infection being in my blood stream. So yeah when people see me as strong I get sad. Automatically I just feel like I can't be weak or fall apart I feel as if I have to be this superwoman or something.
Yeah I idealize Batman but for very specific reasons, since people see him as strength he keeps it. Not because he truly has this incredible strength but because others look to him to find strength. I'm ok with being that but just as how Batman has Catwoman to comfort him I wish for the same. I wish I had a Batman to comfort me.
I don't have a fully functioning finger it's stiff and numb and tingles from time to time. I have so much stress that even the smallest thing is causing me some irritation and sorrow. It's ridiculous I know but I just want to be held in someones arms and just let them stroke my hair for a while. Maybe while watching Big Hero 6 or How To Train Your Dragon 2. 
We are all weak so just making someone strong and not needing love, and comfort is just well not cool. I get though that I am not attractive to guys because I'm a very independent, strong willed, and stubborn woman. I know what I want and I do not bend on it in anyway. It of course drives guys nuts when I'm laughing loud, have a short hair cut, and don't let myself to be degraded or my friends for that matter too it scares them.
Started realizing I need a REAL man who actually can handle the type of woman that I am. Fiery and much like Tris or Katniss or Hermione. But I guess it's why I stay strong and I build up more of a wall to keep myself from feeling too much.
I guess in the end I just want to say I am back and I have alot to write about so if you read this and want to stick around cool. See ya next time.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!

The Need For Escape

There has come a point where I see how broken and damaged I really am. One of my sisters told me about this energy healing program where it works to heal your heart wall. But I learned why my heart wall is to not be touched, because it is in so many pieces. You feel trapped you can't move on nor can you change you're only trapped. You feel it the door has been locked and the key thrown away as others watch you suffer.
And yet who can you blame, you feel it you really feel it because you feel that you can only blame yourself. What have you done why have you only known to just run? Run right into failure and destruction. Now a days tears come so easily because my body mind and heart have reached their breaking point. I thought I was strong, I was so sure that I was ok, that I was fine.
But no I'm destroyed I suffocate everyday living with those who hate me, judge me. I have nothing good with my family no one really understands me or anything I am trying to fix. I also learned some reasons why I've been dying inside.
I was only 12 when I was alone in the PE locker room changing. I then heard the boys behind me. One grabbed my breasts and another pulled my arms behind me.  I screamed out for help. Our teacher came and saved me, but when taking it to police they rejected it. I told my sisters but they scoffed at me, telling me to stop telling lies. I was devastated who in the world could  I tell about what happened?
No one I was alone. I was chased home many times by the same boys trying to do the act again but my dog saved me many times. He protected me and was my only friend I could tell about what happened. The fear, the crushing pain of pretending to be ok.
I went to college was then sexually assaulted. I told someone and he dismissed it as my own fault. That the way I was dressed was the reason for the attack. I again reverted to being strong. I was punched by another. I'm so tired, I'm so broken and done. No one can save me, and I am locked in a jail of my own continuing suffering. 
I have only one control anymore, the color of my hair. I've decided I'll go blonde and make that change. I can't change anything else, not even my own heart. I've never realized how broke I was, carrying over 16 years worth of pain and suffering. Hah, but I hope the change will come sooner. I really really do.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When your past swallows you in a quiet realization.

I recently got this free e-book called The Trouble with Goodbye. In the book the main character has been raped and she finds a man who helps her to heal from her broken self. Now if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know that I've been abused by men for far too long. What hurts even more the one guy who was seeming to fix me had to end.
I explained to a friend how deeply we were connected, we loved each other he was the only man to ever say he loved me. He expected nothing from me, just my presence. When I set up boundaries with him he respected me in a huge way. He never once pushed the issue he only loved me and cherished me. People in my church were against our dating because he wasn't a member but I knew he was special. So special that I was ready to give him my everything, yet even in that moment he stopped and told me, "You're already makin it hard for me to leave, if we go all the way I could never let you go."
He truly loved me and didn't want to let me go but he was from Australia and unless I was willing to move there and be with him we weren't going anywhere. He unlike any guy I have ever dated didn't push a single thing. He never once made me feel bad for denying him kisses or dates. He also always stared at me despite other girls prettier then me admiring him. He showed me that a guy could truly love me. Especially since I was still trying to repair from everything that happened in my junior high to high school years.
Then after he was gone I dated another man, one who was a member of my church and immediatly people approved of us dating. No one saw him as a bad person but those nights I was with him I was scared. And the pain and hurt he left me broke me even further. What sucks was the sweeping under of what he did. I now have been struggling to feel like some man out there in the world will be like the Aussie I once was with.
What makes things even harder is some guys not understandin what I went through and getting hurt and mad at me. I need time to really work a relationship with someone, but it seems I'm going too slowly. I've felt frozen and thus my pain and anxiety reigns. I didn't notice how those scarring events stick. They don't just leave they consume your dreams and fears, they make you feel like you are what people say, "a whore."
I want for any woman whose faced this suffocating pain, please know you are NOT a whore. You didn't ask for it in any way. You are a human being and those men are nothing but dogs. Please know that you are someone special because of what you went through you better see the world. You know there isn't just good people because of religions or something else. You know there is evil everywhere. You also have the most golden hearts never forget that. Please raise awareness of rape and assault. The real pain can destroy a woman, don't let that happen.
To the men, be bigger then dogs. Don't live off your desires have control of them. Also don't ever see a woman as an object, she is a human being who has emotions and feelings that needs to be loved.
We need to be better then we were.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Comfort Zone

Everytime I write a book I always do a ton of research. Whether it's on diseases or fictional stories. Or even on wars and disasters. Sadly I learn a lot but when it comes to what friends know or what other people know it disappears and comes into play of not being real. I guess what bothers me is how trapped in bubbles of comfort we are in.
Now don't get me wrong comfort isn't all bad more often it helps you to not go insane. But it hides too much of what others are suffering. Let me go to one of the latest challenges to spread awareness of ALS. Now first of all in all the challenges no one explains what ALS is or even why it needs awareness. Want to know why? It's because it actually is a treatable disease/disability. Now the donating and raising awareness is great. But what would be better is a video talking about it not an ice bucket challenge.
There are so many diseases that need awareness, animals being threatened, living conditions for people, and so on and so on.
In this world we all become comfortable in our lives that we forget that we still have the power to change many peoples lives so they can live comfortable too. But wht do most of us do? We pass it onto a Government to take care. Let me go to a new problem with Obamacare. This great health care has caused me many problems including the trying to pay my medical bills myself. Before it was passed I was ok being able to pay the 3$ I could afford but after the bill passed I was required to pay over 100$ to pay it off in a year. 
Also I will be fined for not getting any of the health care through the program. And this was suppose to be a help for people to get health care. May I just say we have removed our responsibility of caring for each other by making the Governments responsibile and really do you think they care about us? No they don't not really. 
There is still so much that is messed up like the inflation and so much more. We can change this world just if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and see the world. Realize your heart will cry but that is good cause it will help you to want to make the changes happen faster. 
What comforts are you willing to lose to start making a change?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The depression effect

We may not wish to admit it or even think of it as a reality but suicide is a very real death that takes many peoples live. It comes about due to depression which is one of the biggest killer in the world. Depression is something most people have to deal with and it is very real and very destructive. The thing that makes me sad is the misunderstanding of suicide.
Suicide isn't as simply put a choice, it's a point of no return in depression. Let me explain, like the disease of Ebola or many more it starts off slow then it builds closer to the point when it just finally kills you. It isn't a choice. I know this because after the day I was nearly gang raped I went to my kitchen drawer drew out a knife and was ready to die. For me at that point it wasn't a choice it was a need. 
What stopped me was the realization that in the car crash I would've been killed then I survived for a reason. That reason I don't know but there was or is one. When depression hits you to that point suicide doesn't become an option it just is the final stage. But I just want you to know suicide can't be looked at as someone made the choice or something even crueler that the one who died is gonna suffer now.
Suicide is just a painful wake up to the reality that depression is still strong. Be there for your friends and family, love them and make sure they never feel alone. And be sure to find many ways to stay positive. In the end just remember you are of such great worth and like any disease it can be healed. It just takes time so be patient with yourself, and to loved ones be patient with them.
Robin Williams is greatly missed. We are forever grateful of his contribution to making the rest of us laugh and learn life. He has probably saved many lives may he and his family always remember that.
And as I always say,
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mirrored World Chapter 1 A Typical Day

Many people tell me it's normal for me to feel objectified. That I can't do anything to change what the world has decided is sexy and what's not. If I let any hair appear anywhere aside from my face, arms, legs, or chest then I'm disgusting. And only if my face has an appropriate structure then can I have long hair otherwise I better keep mine a buzz cut. I think it's ridiculous on the TV women can look however they want but the man better look prim and proper the suited image of a true man.

Porn is even worse men are sold into sex trafficking and many become dancers just to make it through college. Men also can't walk alone at night cause they are more likely to be raped, especially if their clothes are screaming for it. Oh and the clothes right, I've only been able to find low v neck shirts with skinny jeans. Men are expected to be ok with women overpowering them and I guess that makes me weird since that incident.

I look from my computer at my boss who is sexually harrassing a worker he doesn't seem too bothered by it. But her hand is not going to stay in appropriate places for long with him. I shudder and finish what I need to be turning my computer off and getting up to leave. I button my shirt as I leave so that I can finally feel covered.

"Finally can go home and not worry about people staring at me."

"Hey, hot rod, nice butt!"

I glance at the red haired girl with her baggy shirt and pants. She then does a crude hand motion indicating sex. I shake my head and scoff before getting into my car and heading home.

"Brandons new song, 'Just Touch Me' is on next!"

I turned the radio off that song annoys me. All it is about is how men just want sex and for some woman to just take them. It doesn't sing about boundaries cause clearly us men don't want consent before a woman does something to us. I get home and park before going into see my cat and turn on the TV. 

"Hey whiskers," I say rubbing the grey tabbies chin before spooning him some soft cat food, "You have such an easy life buddy."

I then grab a pizza and flop down on the couch going to a movie. Right off the bat I'm greeted by men with perfect bodies by todays standards, they're skinny and well built. My body isn't theirs and I struggle again with the thought of my self image. I turn the movie off flipping to TubeYou. I watch videos for over an hour before deciding to head off to bed.

I do a quick shave and brush of my teeth and hair, which is reaching my ears in length. I then notice a crack in my mirror.

"I'll get that fixed tomorrow," I say walking away.

That silent moment when you are afraid of trying to do what you want.

I have recently been struggling with where I live. I have become so severly tormented with the thought of stayin where I am that I get sick. My body screams in pain and my voice closes up in fear of saying I don't want to be here anymore.
I have no clue where I really want to go I just want to leave. I have many friends here but that is all there is for me here. I love my job but I can't earn enough from it and thus it causes problems when all I want is to live on my own.
I'm a 25 (soon to be 26) year old single woman. All I want is to be financially stable and living in my own place. Yet here I am typing this in my sisters place, a place where I just want to escape. I love my family for all they've done but I've been so fragile and now I'm starting to literally break.
To my friends who read this I'm sorry but there is no way you could help, I have to do this alone. Sure I may cry almost every night because of it and I may wish that someone would just see my pain and comfort me. But I know I am alone with the only ones to give me comfort are my book characters, the ones who I have to neglect because technology breaks.
I write on here to try and see the positive that will be coming from this. But I have no clue, I struggle pay check to pay check to pay bills. 
I know many my age are dealing with this as well and I think it's stupid. Yet I also know that war is on our doorsteps. North Korea attacking the South, Israel and Palastine bombing each other, and Ukraine fighting Russia. I guess I don't know what will happen but darn do I wish I can breathe soon.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Used Goods

I'm going to do something I've never done before, it is something I never went into detail but I'm doing it now because I'm tired of being an extreme sex fantasy or just one of the guys. I'm sharing this to open the guys I've talked to mind. Many if not all of them claim there is good from them watching Porn yet I know as many others that it is not.

I met this guy at the Halloween dance he was really sweet and talked to me before asking me out. I was of course happy because I hadn't had a date for almost 3 years. I finally felt I was attractive to someone and went out with him. A friend of mine tagged along which I was grateful for, we went to a Halloween party where he kissed me.

A kiss on the first date wasn't unusual since the last guy I dated gave my first kiss on our first date. But that guy only stayed for a week and was very open of his desires for sex but respected me in not wanting to have sex. But sadly with this guy he would teach me why a guy wanting to kiss on the first date is a red flag.

He asked me out a few more times we had dinner and watched movies. I enjoyed it and it was fun being around him, I never felt unsafe either. It wasn't until Thanksgiving that he asked me to visit his family. That was when my fears started. I wasn't sure why he introduced me to his family we hadn't been dating for more then three weeks.

Yet there I was with his family. Then it happened. I decided to accept his invite to watch a movie at his house. Usually his mother was there so I wasn't worried, but when I got there she was leaving. I didn't feel too nervous since he was suppose to be a righteous man in my churches standards.

Yet he kissed me and he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I pulled back and asked him to not do that, he told me to just relax and placed a hand down below. I paniced and started to cry which made him get mad and stop. I got up and left, I didn't ever want to see him again yet he wanted to apologize and then he did it again. This time successfully bruising my leg, I wanted to let him go in full but I didn't.

Finally he gave the final reason out public as to why I should let him go. He told me a lie that he was going to a nephews birthday during the night of a party. I went to the party to find him sitting with another girl. I kept myself as calm as I could before leaving and breaking down.

I knew one of his secrets he watched porn in excess amounts, he never saw women as humans but as objects to get his jollies off to. I was bruised by him and was scarred in an even worse manner. And now when any man tells me porn is good I cry and get upset.

Porn is actually brand new and the types of porn is all different. Unlike in the old times where it didn't exist men had only their imagination, but in their imagination they were more often then not respecting women as wives or mothers. I know this cause I read a 1920 romance novel written by a man who wrote it for his love who died and he never got to hold in his arms.

I have become a wreck, I'm scared of men I don't feel like I can trust them or even see them as protectors. The worst part Porn is very widely accepted as normal and that we are to stop judging men who watch it. For me, men it's one thing to imagine sex ok. Cause us women imagine sex too. But it's another to have your ways of having sex played out to you by men who have no respect for women at all.

How do I know this? There is lots of websites where women are forced to perform sex acts that they don't want to do. Do you seriously think it is normal? It isn't and that's why I worry and feel unsafe around men. I hope that things change on the view of Porn I hope it becomes realized how damaging it is.

It's why in the end I always say...

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fault of our dreams

I rolled over to see a small fire in front of me a silhouette sitting by the fire. It noticed that I was awake. And walked over I sat up smiling before I saw the same creature as last time.
"OHMY, GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed scrambling away from him my hands reaching the edge of the river.
"Please don't do that again," it spoke and his voice was soft and gentle, "I know this is a typical reaction to an alien but plea-"
"ALIEN!?" I screamed unsure of what to feel or think right then as I stared at him. He looked human enough but his eyes shined in the dark, his scales reflecting the fires light, and spines on the side of his face held golden hair back from his face which otherwise appeared normal. His face sunk in sorrow and he sat on the ground holding his hands out as if to be cuffed.
"Go ahead, I know your government would be very excited to finally get an alien," he said so calmly looking into my eyes.
I was still terrified my heart was screaming with adrenaline ready to flee. My muscles where tensed from the extra blood ready to swing into a punch. 'He's not attacking and he saved me from my own destruction, I should be more afraid of myself then of him.'
We just sat looking at each other for a long time. He didn't move at all even as I shifted from my legs going numb. I finally stood up and all he did was move his head up to look at me as I got a little closer still staying a good distance away from him.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say with a little stuttering. My body was slowing from the adrenaline and I was getting tired.
"We came to see if this planet you call earth was ready for connect from the other planets in the galaxy," he said still holding his hands where they remained, "We had sent a signal a while back but never heard a response. We then sent an object to test if your people would kill us, sadly it was taken to a base to be studied. Until recently we felt humans would kill us Drednas."
"What object?"
"Ever heard of Rosewell, New Mexico?"
"Are you kidding? I think every human heard about that incident."
"Yeah of course the story goes as far to say we sent one of our own in the craft, no just one of our computers. Which reminds me how is Siri?"
"Are you kidding that's were she came from?"
"Nah, just pulling your leg as you humans would say," he chuckled a bit smiling a crooked smile.
I blushed, not from just embarrassment but from his smile as well. And I hadn't noticed that I had gotten closer despite him not moving at all. I finally walked up to his out stretched hands kneeling before reaching out tentative fingers to touch his. He watched me as my fingers grazed the smaller scales on his hands, They felt the same as those on a lizard or snake, soft yet firm and protective.
"I heard you have creatures with my skin type here," he said. I looked up at him his smile had gotten bigger at my willingness to be close and touching him.
"Yeah, snakes and lizards." I looked back his hands there where claw like fingernails but they weren't viciously long but more short and closer to his finger.
"So still gonna take me in?"
I looked up at him as he stared at me. His smile gone he was just looking at me in seriousness. I gently touched his palm feeling the same texture as a lizards underbelly there.
"What's your name?"
"Gorgny."



I've been finding it interesting. I have been struggling for a while but I also know that it was never due to my education. Many of my friends with degrees are still struggling in todays society. But I won't deny I've thought of trying out to be an astronaut! When I was a kid going into the stars sounded like a ton of fun. And even as an adult it sounds perfect.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reality can be very suffocating.

I stared at my friends casket as she was lowered into her grave, to never be seen again. All of my tears were spent from crying with her husband over the news. I looked over at Robert as he hled their son in his arms, he was fighting to not cry and I knew why.
"Strength," I whispered under my breath. Strength was the only way to survive the numbing pain that this life brings.
I saw Tom and my other friends across from me. He ave me a sorrowful look, probably because he regretted the fact that he had tried to get me on such a terrible night. I couldn't stay any longer and left in my car.
I drove half way home before pulling off to a part of the river that was sucluded. I pulled my shoes off and waded into the river allowing my black dress to get soaked I kept walking. 'NO!' I knew that I was feeling crazy wanting to just see if my invincibility of death would save me from drowning.
The rivers currents tore at my body tugging at my legs urging for me to slip and be pulled in. I kept walking till the currents where to my collarbone. I then slowly bent my legs feeling the current tear me off balance. My head hit the water as I sunk into the rushing water.
I screamed allowing water to flow into my mouth. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!' I felt my body get yanked as if I was caught, my body had closed my mouth after the first initial rush of water. I felt my body get tugged up till I was out of the river and my mouth coughed out the water it had been filled with. 'I'm alive, I'm so glad.'
"Let me go!" I thought I shouted but instead my mouth mumbled. I couldn't see well with the river water still in my eyes. But the breathing sounded deep and I could feel that I was in the arms of a man.
"I don't think letting you go will be beneficial."
I finally could see and a man who had half reptelian scales was looking at me with blue green eyes. My mind and body reacted screaming before I blacked out.

Recently I've found out why I've been suffering severe lonliness. Many of my friends are married and having kids all over. I'm still single and trapped in a spiral of my own demise. I don't suffer suicide, at least not since I was ten.
But this loniliness has proven to be a very suffocating feeling. I have one of two men interested in me, the first is the ood old friend, the second is the full sexual fantasy.
I want one chance at a deep romance but it's funny I seem to only be able to get the romance in my writing.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!