Video Games and Books taking us away from Reality

So from previous posts I'm sure you can guess that my life has become a broken swirl of chaos, pain, stress, and sorrow. I've never felt so down and depressed as I do now and never once have I felt so swallowed up in fear and worry. I have so much that is wrong with where I live and with trying to figure out how to make money come into my life.
Luckily, I have managed to keep my Xbox 360 alive and kicking. I've named the big white box Galacticus. Just because the console is that amazing for still kicking and working long and hard. Plus when I bought it at the Pawn Shop it had a free game disc in it, so SCORE!
With everything crazy that has been happening I've been drowning myself in one of my most favorite games ever. Mass Effect, a story of a soldier who learns of a robotic race coming to wipe out all organic life again. It is one of the most amazing games I have ever played, it draws me in and makes me excited as I run around shooting machines, making friends with awesome aliens, etc.
But I realized very quickly why I love the games so much. If you read from this point on and never played the game there will be big spoilers.
In the game they give a romance option. In the first one you have only two choices, for Female Shepard you can romance Kaidan (human), or Liara (Asari) if you play male you still have Liara but you can romance Ashley. Also the romance options depend on if you save Ash or Kai from the bomb on Virmire.
In the second game you have three options, of course for the female shepard Jacob (human), Thane (Drell), and Garrus (Turian he is also one of four of your crew who is with you in all three games). For male Jack (human), Miranda (human), and Tali (Qurian she is another who is with you all three games).
And in the third game you can literally romance anyone. Garrus, Tali, Miranda, Jack, Thane, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Traynor, Cortez. The funniest part of this all is in the Citadel DLC you can have a one night stand with James or Javick. But you can see the fun of the game.
But of course my reason for loving the game so much is Garrus and Tali. Since they are the only two who stay with you all three games. For me that spells true love and trust. They're aliens who have dextro-amino acids, so they have to eat different food from the rest of the aliens. And Tali has a huge risk of getting sick just from taking her mask off. 
But they are there through it all. Saren, Collectors, and Reapers. When I do the romance part of the game I romance one of them.
Garrus is my favorite by far but that is because I can make my female Shep look like me. So meh, can pretend lol. But the real reason I love the games is that it gives me a chance to forget all the things that are going wrong in my life. I can just run around killing Reapers and choosing to destroy them or make synthesis(joining of flesh and machine together) happen.
I don't have to think about how things feel like they are falling to pieces I can just focus on stopping Harbinger. I feel if videogames give you another world to escape they play the same role and part as books, just more choices and action. Anyways just a random write for the day.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darkening Clouds

I live out in the West and as many know we are suffering from a severe drought that could lead to another Dust Bowl. But what is more interesting to me about this all is just the fact that it's making me want to find an answer for all the difficult problems. I find things to be really hard and not a soul can help me. I'm trapped in a place worse then purgatory really.
I can't move forward much. Trying this and hoping friends would support is a sad excuse of hope. I love my friends and family but it just feels like such a waste of time and energy when all I seem good for many of them is just being a listening ear. I'm grateful I can do that but many times I wish they would return the favor.
I wish I could just talk not have someone stop me and say how they see it and causing me to feel I can't open my mouth. When ever I write and I meet new characters they become my screaming voice. The voice that so often is shot down because no one agrees with me.
My mother is the only one who listens to me and I'm very grateful to her for it. I don't know what I would do without her. She makes it easy for me to at least have one person who will listen to me.
I've been having huge struggles with the whole financial crisis of the health care I was provided for an infected finger. And no one seems to get it, they just assume I'll be ok because of where I live. But where I live makes me extra depress and desiring to just run away and live among wolves or something. 
I didn't choose any of this and that's what makes things much more difficult. I wish I had just gone to New York to pursue my writing and fashion. Or that I could've tried for Nasa in building robotics like my father did. I wanted to be MORE then I am now.
And I feel like now I'm just too late, I can't change anything. I am stuck being judged and shot down. Maybe I need to be more harsh, stop my friends but I can't do that, not since I lost my father.
I'm gonna continue thinking of my books, gonna keep writing. Gonna play games I love, read books I love, and just do more to feel happy and excited for life. I miss that each day thinking new ideas writing more and seeing more, then the brick wall with spikes. Wish me luck.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The eye of the storm

Hmm, what a long year this has been so far. And yet I'm still stuck in mid air wondering where I'm going to fall next. Recently I had this dog bite happen and now I have more new problems. 
So the government is suppose to be making sure we get covered by health insurance. Well they just rejected me recently, making up a fake job and tips for me. Really Government if I made any where close to 1700$ a month I wouldn't even bother asking for help. But whatever. 
Then an old room mate who never had me sign anything nor can pursue legal action against me since it's been almost 5 years since I lived with her, threatened me. I of course very calmly told her to just leave me alone because she had no right to do nor say what she said. She hasn't messaged me since but whatever. 
And of course Collections is getting into the mix of things. Luckily I have amazing people who are supporting me and helping me out. And even though I have been over the top stressed I'm grateful that at least something is trying to be done.
Either way I just bought a wig that I'll wear to be the new Mythical Twist, gonna start doing make-up videos and vlogs. I also want to get it started to a point where the make-up will be based off of peoples favorite videogame characters.
That's the biggest and most positive plus I have thus far, playing Mass Effect trilogy, Batman Arkham series, Red Dead Redemption, Remember Me, Prototype, Minecraft, Walking Dead, and the one game to help me scream my frustration out Dark Souls. I'm insane. lol
But either way these games have kept me together thus far. And it's a huge deal because I've been crying way more then normal. I feel we have to find something that can hold us together and luckily I found mine. Still hoping everything else will be fixed soon and I can get back some kind of normal to my life. Either way it will get better somehow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Been A Long Time

It's been a really stupid long time. Hah, so wow a ton of crap has happened during this time of absence and I wish I could say it's all dealt with and over. But sadly I'm pretty sure this is still just the very beginning. So what all happened? Well the laptop I had fell into two, I finally got a new one. And I was attacked by a dog.

That is my finger after it was cut open to clean out the infection and then was stitched back together. This was the day I was able to get the stitches out. Yeah that dog bit was only a little bite that got severely infected, even though I scrubbed it with soap and dumped hydrogen peroxide on it. And even better having to figure out how to pay the over 300k medical bills. Which are still getting bigger because of therapy. Oh and if you are wondering why I don't have medicade I tried for it but got no response back on it so yeah.
Anyways I've just had a really REALLY rough go to this year of 2015. And to be honest I'm so done, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I'm still at risk with the infection being in my blood stream. So yeah when people see me as strong I get sad. Automatically I just feel like I can't be weak or fall apart I feel as if I have to be this superwoman or something.
Yeah I idealize Batman but for very specific reasons, since people see him as strength he keeps it. Not because he truly has this incredible strength but because others look to him to find strength. I'm ok with being that but just as how Batman has Catwoman to comfort him I wish for the same. I wish I had a Batman to comfort me.
I don't have a fully functioning finger it's stiff and numb and tingles from time to time. I have so much stress that even the smallest thing is causing me some irritation and sorrow. It's ridiculous I know but I just want to be held in someones arms and just let them stroke my hair for a while. Maybe while watching Big Hero 6 or How To Train Your Dragon 2. 
We are all weak so just making someone strong and not needing love, and comfort is just well not cool. I get though that I am not attractive to guys because I'm a very independent, strong willed, and stubborn woman. I know what I want and I do not bend on it in anyway. It of course drives guys nuts when I'm laughing loud, have a short hair cut, and don't let myself to be degraded or my friends for that matter too it scares them.
Started realizing I need a REAL man who actually can handle the type of woman that I am. Fiery and much like Tris or Katniss or Hermione. But I guess it's why I stay strong and I build up more of a wall to keep myself from feeling too much.
I guess in the end I just want to say I am back and I have alot to write about so if you read this and want to stick around cool. See ya next time.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!

The Need For Escape

There has come a point where I see how broken and damaged I really am. One of my sisters told me about this energy healing program where it works to heal your heart wall. But I learned why my heart wall is to not be touched, because it is in so many pieces. You feel trapped you can't move on nor can you change you're only trapped. You feel it the door has been locked and the key thrown away as others watch you suffer.
And yet who can you blame, you feel it you really feel it because you feel that you can only blame yourself. What have you done why have you only known to just run? Run right into failure and destruction. Now a days tears come so easily because my body mind and heart have reached their breaking point. I thought I was strong, I was so sure that I was ok, that I was fine.
But no I'm destroyed I suffocate everyday living with those who hate me, judge me. I have nothing good with my family no one really understands me or anything I am trying to fix. I also learned some reasons why I've been dying inside.
I was only 12 when I was alone in the PE locker room changing. I then heard the boys behind me. One grabbed my breasts and another pulled my arms behind me.  I screamed out for help. Our teacher came and saved me, but when taking it to police they rejected it. I told my sisters but they scoffed at me, telling me to stop telling lies. I was devastated who in the world could  I tell about what happened?
No one I was alone. I was chased home many times by the same boys trying to do the act again but my dog saved me many times. He protected me and was my only friend I could tell about what happened. The fear, the crushing pain of pretending to be ok.
I went to college was then sexually assaulted. I told someone and he dismissed it as my own fault. That the way I was dressed was the reason for the attack. I again reverted to being strong. I was punched by another. I'm so tired, I'm so broken and done. No one can save me, and I am locked in a jail of my own continuing suffering. 
I have only one control anymore, the color of my hair. I've decided I'll go blonde and make that change. I can't change anything else, not even my own heart. I've never realized how broke I was, carrying over 16 years worth of pain and suffering. Hah, but I hope the change will come sooner. I really really do.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When your past swallows you in a quiet realization.

I recently got this free e-book called The Trouble with Goodbye. In the book the main character has been raped and she finds a man who helps her to heal from her broken self. Now if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know that I've been abused by men for far too long. What hurts even more the one guy who was seeming to fix me had to end.
I explained to a friend how deeply we were connected, we loved each other he was the only man to ever say he loved me. He expected nothing from me, just my presence. When I set up boundaries with him he respected me in a huge way. He never once pushed the issue he only loved me and cherished me. People in my church were against our dating because he wasn't a member but I knew he was special. So special that I was ready to give him my everything, yet even in that moment he stopped and told me, "You're already makin it hard for me to leave, if we go all the way I could never let you go."
He truly loved me and didn't want to let me go but he was from Australia and unless I was willing to move there and be with him we weren't going anywhere. He unlike any guy I have ever dated didn't push a single thing. He never once made me feel bad for denying him kisses or dates. He also always stared at me despite other girls prettier then me admiring him. He showed me that a guy could truly love me. Especially since I was still trying to repair from everything that happened in my junior high to high school years.
Then after he was gone I dated another man, one who was a member of my church and immediatly people approved of us dating. No one saw him as a bad person but those nights I was with him I was scared. And the pain and hurt he left me broke me even further. What sucks was the sweeping under of what he did. I now have been struggling to feel like some man out there in the world will be like the Aussie I once was with.
What makes things even harder is some guys not understandin what I went through and getting hurt and mad at me. I need time to really work a relationship with someone, but it seems I'm going too slowly. I've felt frozen and thus my pain and anxiety reigns. I didn't notice how those scarring events stick. They don't just leave they consume your dreams and fears, they make you feel like you are what people say, "a whore."
I want for any woman whose faced this suffocating pain, please know you are NOT a whore. You didn't ask for it in any way. You are a human being and those men are nothing but dogs. Please know that you are someone special because of what you went through you better see the world. You know there isn't just good people because of religions or something else. You know there is evil everywhere. You also have the most golden hearts never forget that. Please raise awareness of rape and assault. The real pain can destroy a woman, don't let that happen.
To the men, be bigger then dogs. Don't live off your desires have control of them. Also don't ever see a woman as an object, she is a human being who has emotions and feelings that needs to be loved.
We need to be better then we were.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Comfort Zone

Everytime I write a book I always do a ton of research. Whether it's on diseases or fictional stories. Or even on wars and disasters. Sadly I learn a lot but when it comes to what friends know or what other people know it disappears and comes into play of not being real. I guess what bothers me is how trapped in bubbles of comfort we are in.
Now don't get me wrong comfort isn't all bad more often it helps you to not go insane. But it hides too much of what others are suffering. Let me go to one of the latest challenges to spread awareness of ALS. Now first of all in all the challenges no one explains what ALS is or even why it needs awareness. Want to know why? It's because it actually is a treatable disease/disability. Now the donating and raising awareness is great. But what would be better is a video talking about it not an ice bucket challenge.
There are so many diseases that need awareness, animals being threatened, living conditions for people, and so on and so on.
In this world we all become comfortable in our lives that we forget that we still have the power to change many peoples lives so they can live comfortable too. But wht do most of us do? We pass it onto a Government to take care. Let me go to a new problem with Obamacare. This great health care has caused me many problems including the trying to pay my medical bills myself. Before it was passed I was ok being able to pay the 3$ I could afford but after the bill passed I was required to pay over 100$ to pay it off in a year. 
Also I will be fined for not getting any of the health care through the program. And this was suppose to be a help for people to get health care. May I just say we have removed our responsibility of caring for each other by making the Governments responsibile and really do you think they care about us? No they don't not really. 
There is still so much that is messed up like the inflation and so much more. We can change this world just if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and see the world. Realize your heart will cry but that is good cause it will help you to want to make the changes happen faster. 
What comforts are you willing to lose to start making a change?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!