You ever have that chance to date and then as soon as you try to go out with the guy your gut twists in pain and you feel sick? Want to know what's even more fun? When you finally realize you're just gonna be single for several long years.
Now what do I mean by that? Well I realized it while trying to get over my anxiety to date this guy. He simply choose trying to date me just wasn't a option. Of course at first he was pretty dead set on dating me but after another meet up and talking he just realized waiting for me to be comfortable with him wasn't worth it. And I don't blame him, to be honest I had come to the conclusion that I would need to end it soon.
Now I'm single and I've learned one big thing, to love it! Sometimes especially in my church, it is such a pushed upon idea of if you're single you're miserable. Well to be honest every time I was in a relationship was the time I was miserable. Especially now. You see it's been months sent my previous relationship.
If you want to know what happened go and read the earlier posts. Anyways, with what he had done to me my mind and body feared men. Now mind you these were just men I have no idea about, or even guys texting me saying how they want to make out.
I am comfortable around my best guy friends, they make me smile and laugh and I just enjoy their company. Why? Because I've been alone with them in a room and not once have they betrayed my trust. Now maybe they just don't care about me romantically (that's the fancy term) but still.
So why have I determined being single is better for me? Because I'm relaxed and happy with myself. I don't care about having to have someone in my life. If a guy gets brave and becomes like Batman and then asks me out, good on him.
Until then no guy wants to do that, they don't want to get to know me as a friend first or even wait for my anxiety to be over come well anyways it doesn't matter.
I'm gonna stay the video gaming, batman loving, goofball of a girl. I love me!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music Is My Love
from my ratemydrawings.com collection
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Friday, September 6, 2013
Having a broken heart doesn't mean there is no healing.
Many times in my writing I just want to switch places with my book characters. Or even when I'm reading a book or playing a video game, I just want to be the character.
Why?
For one simple reason I know they get a good ending. But for me I don't know. Last night I talked to a friend and recalled some terrifying experiences in my life. I sat there wondering how have I made it this far? I also realised I haven't reached my end and I feel so torn down and done.
I've been struggling against my own physical well being and thoughts on dating. I was asked out and felt like, yeah, I can date, no problem. I couldn't as soon as I got there my stomach went on an attack. My throat closed up and I just stayed far from him. I then made up an excuse on why I had to leave early. Once I got into my favorite store (Hot Topic) I had a small break down, while listening to one of the songs playing in the store.
I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle financially, and now I realized the terrible things that previous boy had done to me had scarred me. I was afraid of men, I didn't want to be around any men. Not after being hurt and ruined by them so many times before. I have been hit by men, I've been told that I'm only wanted for sex, and now to the list I was sexually assaulted by one.
My fear hit me as a very real and festering wound. My heart hurt and I just wanted to crawl away and just never live among humans again.
I was done and was weary. But there was a part that shouted I want to be held by a man for once, just one man who will hold me close and just do everything in his power to protect me. A man who will heal this shattered heart that has been struggling for so long.
I apparently have been a symbol of strength for my friends. But I am the weakest one out of them all. I had finally reached that point where I hated my life and myself.
I then was invited to a 14 day Energy Healing course. I did it and started to turn my whole life around. I got a dog walking job the best part they listen to me and after each walk the dogs give me a kiss. Kind of their way to say we care. I have started down a path of healing. It will take some time but it has begun.
I guess in the end I just want you all to know that no matter what happens in your life you can find healing. I've gone back to my first music genre that I loved, rock. The music has been very healing.
I will still fall and shatter. And I have to take time with the whole dating thing. I have to see what the other guy is really like just as friends before I can even evoke the thought of dating.
I'm gonna tell the guy don't worry, but I have to watch out for myself because I've realised I can't take anymore heart breaks.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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