Many times in my writing I just want to switch places with my book characters. Or even when I'm reading a book or playing a video game, I just want to be the character.
Why?
For one simple reason I know they get a good ending. But for me I don't know. Last night I talked to a friend and recalled some terrifying experiences in my life. I sat there wondering how have I made it this far? I also realised I haven't reached my end and I feel so torn down and done.
I've been struggling against my own physical well being and thoughts on dating. I was asked out and felt like, yeah, I can date, no problem. I couldn't as soon as I got there my stomach went on an attack. My throat closed up and I just stayed far from him. I then made up an excuse on why I had to leave early. Once I got into my favorite store (Hot Topic) I had a small break down, while listening to one of the songs playing in the store.
I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle financially, and now I realized the terrible things that previous boy had done to me had scarred me. I was afraid of men, I didn't want to be around any men. Not after being hurt and ruined by them so many times before. I have been hit by men, I've been told that I'm only wanted for sex, and now to the list I was sexually assaulted by one.
My fear hit me as a very real and festering wound. My heart hurt and I just wanted to crawl away and just never live among humans again.
I was done and was weary. But there was a part that shouted I want to be held by a man for once, just one man who will hold me close and just do everything in his power to protect me. A man who will heal this shattered heart that has been struggling for so long.
I apparently have been a symbol of strength for my friends. But I am the weakest one out of them all. I had finally reached that point where I hated my life and myself.
I then was invited to a 14 day Energy Healing course. I did it and started to turn my whole life around. I got a dog walking job the best part they listen to me and after each walk the dogs give me a kiss. Kind of their way to say we care. I have started down a path of healing. It will take some time but it has begun.
I guess in the end I just want you all to know that no matter what happens in your life you can find healing. I've gone back to my first music genre that I loved, rock. The music has been very healing.
I will still fall and shatter. And I have to take time with the whole dating thing. I have to see what the other guy is really like just as friends before I can even evoke the thought of dating.
I'm gonna tell the guy don't worry, but I have to watch out for myself because I've realised I can't take anymore heart breaks.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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