We are all determined to make others live the way we feel they should.

I bent over gasping for breathe. It was my first marathon to raise money for cancer treatments. People all around me were cheering the runners on a the crowd the finish line. I smiled as a bunch of my friends ran up to me grabbing me in a hug group hug. 
"Way to go Merah!" I laughed as Tom put me on his shoulders while spinning me around. It felt good knowing I had done something good to support those were struggling. Especially when I looked at Tara with her husband and son. Tara was still fighting osteosarcoma, which had already taken her two legs. She was stuck in a wheel chair and doctors kept adding time till she would die, which she finally asked for them to stop so that her son wouldn't be so terrified of losing his mother. 
"Hey give me a moment ok guys?"
"Just remember we are all going to eat out after this."
I smiled at Room before running over to Tara who held her arms open for me to hug her. I held as tight as I felt was ok, just enjoying knowing that she was here still. 
"Merah you are incredible,"she whispered into my hear making me squeeze her a bit more. 
"No Tara, I'm not fighting cancer. That means you're the incredible one."
"I agree with Merah on that one," Robert her husband said placing a hand on her shoulder which she touched with her other hand. 
"Either way thank you,"she said again leaning up in her chair to hug me again, "we were handed the check you helped us raise over ten thousand dollars to cover the bills. This will be a huge help."
"You know how worried I was about you and your husband," I said holding one of her hands, "I just wanted you both to have peace of mind in one area."
"Will you were successful," she said picking up their two year old and placing him in her lap. I smiled and talked with them for a while more before Tara started feeling the pain of having say for so long. I hugged her goodbye before joining with Tom and the others to go play. 
***
Coming home was hard since Tom had just confessed to me. I told him that I needed to think about it but I already knew answer, after all I had asked him out last time and on the date he rejected my feelings. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. It would just be too awkward. 
Bolt wandered up to me his wobbly walk empathized more in his run. I scratched behind his ears as he meowed. I say my and wallet on the counter walking over to his food dish and adding more hard food to it. Then I heard my phone buzz from the counter. 
I walked over to it assuming that it was Tom. But my phones screen showed that it was a call from Tara, my heart panicked as I answered the phone. My heart dropped as I heard the sons of Robert on the other line. My knees gave out as tears fell from my eyes. I could barely hear him but I already knew, she was gone. 
I couldn't hang up as he sobbed about how he didn't know what to do without her there to help him. He then told me how she died. 
"I was worried when we got back because all though she wasn't saying anything about pain her face showed it. I picked her up and she screamed in agony before grabbing her chest trying to stop the pain," I could understand him better now that he was able to speak, "I called my mom to watch Garth as the ambulance arrived. I watched Tara get loaded into the ambulance promising to be there as soon as my mom got there. But when I arrived it was already too late."
I grit my teeth as another wave of sorrow over came us both. I stayed on the phone until he had called down again. 
"I didn't get to say goodbye, or I love you. I hate that the most."
I listened to him hold back a sob as best he could before inhaling. 
"Robert I'm sure that Tara didn't need those words said because she could feel them every single day in your arms," I said hearing him fall into sobs again, "feeling is stronger then saying."
"Yeah thank you," I listened to him blow his nose as he tried to regain control, "I need to discuss her fun-fu-funeral, I'll let you know when it is. Thank you, Merah."

I decided to start writing a spey of mine since I feel it can get across my feelings better then my just writing it out. What I fear is that we have all lost our humanity. I hope not. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The suffocating feeling of loneliness.

I never knew how loneliness felt until recently when my life stated the same ritual again. My dear and close friends all being married before me. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, truly am. But losing them to marriage and having the sickening experiences I've had with men I just felt numb. I'm a Mormon so of course this is normal in my church but I've felt shattered wondering what I'm doing wrong to attract the type of men who hurt me. 
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married. 
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me. 
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me. 
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did. 
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away. 
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man. 
I want my dreams to become reality. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why I won't trust a man when I first meet him.

Batman Running Posters by batman
See additional Posters & Art online at Zazzle

The man posted above and some other fantasy men are the only ones I ever want to be held by. And the reason for that? Well I'm so tired of real men treating me as something less.

Recently I had one guy friend who belittled the pain I had suffered seeing a friend try to commit suicide. The horrors of watching people be shot, one lying on the road near death and helping them, being ten trapped in a car where you see your whole body covered in shards of glass and metal. Where boys in your school freely groped and tried to rape you. Where you were beaten, sexually assaulted, and abused emotionally by someone you thought loved you. Right I have no right in thinking the way that I do.

One thing that has ticked me off the most is how some of my friends like to get on me for how I think about not feeling safe with men. They tell me I'm just judging the men and not getting to know them. True I don't know them but that means I SHOULD exercise caution. 

I've been suffering plenty of anxiety attacks and I have just reached a breaking point where I just curl up in bed and play video games. I've had guys yelling hey sexy and for me it terrifies me and makes me angry. My Grandpa Larsen on our last visit with him showed me how to throw knives and a punch. He told me that sadly he knew that men would not respect me as a human being.

He told me to be a strong woman so I could protect myself when it came to it. Sadly I am a woman and I learned the hard way that if a man wants to do something to you he'll do it. I would scream and cry, he'd say sorry and for some reason I thought he wouldn't do it again and go back to him. Only for the same thing to repeat, tongue forced into my mouth, arms forcing my body against his and hands wandering to areas I did not want to be touched yet.

I have lost my trust and faith in men, I feel and fear that there aren't good men. Oh and here's a BIG joke, when "good men" comment on my status's but none of them aim to prove what they say. May I ask then why say it if you can't prove it? And I'm not meaning in a partnership but a relationship as friends.

I heard the song Human by Christina Perri and I cried. I just cried for a long time just asking anything whether aliens, God, or even just the men in my family, who I loved and trusted, who are now gone. Why am I only seen as a package of breasts? Why am I unable to have people get how many times I've been hurt? Why can't someone just be my shoulder for me to cry on, to just listen not talk?

I recently had a job where the cat brought home a baby rabbit. The little guy wasn't dead, his neck was punctured by the cat, giving him a slow painful death. I took the rabbit and snapped his neck killing him immediately so he would no longer suffer. My mother and others said I was so strong to do that, but I don't feel like it.

My whole life all I wanted was for others to smile, I forced bullies to not bother my friends but me. I stood up and fought for others while they where down. I've stood for another just because they were sexually different or thought different. Because I would hope someone would do that for me.

I curl up with my newest favorite book series Divergent and I just dream of Four and how he would cradle the one he loves. In fact he does do that but if you haven't read it yet I will not spoil it. I also love John Greens; The Fault In Our Stars. And my favorite videogame series (aside from Batman Arkham) Mass Effect. Where you get to choose a romance with a character.

For now I'll stick with the fantasy men. I know these men can NEVER hurt me, and I can always feel safe with them. The day a real man wants to prove that please step forward but for now I will be staying away from that. There is no reason to cry only to smile and feel hope.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!