Batman Running Posters by batman
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The man posted above and some other fantasy men are the only ones I ever want to be held by. And the reason for that? Well I'm so tired of real men treating me as something less.
Recently I had one guy friend who belittled the pain I had suffered seeing a friend try to commit suicide. The horrors of watching people be shot, one lying on the road near death and helping them, being ten trapped in a car where you see your whole body covered in shards of glass and metal. Where boys in your school freely groped and tried to rape you. Where you were beaten, sexually assaulted, and abused emotionally by someone you thought loved you. Right I have no right in thinking the way that I do.
One thing that has ticked me off the most is how some of my friends like to get on me for how I think about not feeling safe with men. They tell me I'm just judging the men and not getting to know them. True I don't know them but that means I SHOULD exercise caution.
I've been suffering plenty of anxiety attacks and I have just reached a breaking point where I just curl up in bed and play video games. I've had guys yelling hey sexy and for me it terrifies me and makes me angry. My Grandpa Larsen on our last visit with him showed me how to throw knives and a punch. He told me that sadly he knew that men would not respect me as a human being.
He told me to be a strong woman so I could protect myself when it came to it. Sadly I am a woman and I learned the hard way that if a man wants to do something to you he'll do it. I would scream and cry, he'd say sorry and for some reason I thought he wouldn't do it again and go back to him. Only for the same thing to repeat, tongue forced into my mouth, arms forcing my body against his and hands wandering to areas I did not want to be touched yet.
I have lost my trust and faith in men, I feel and fear that there aren't good men. Oh and here's a BIG joke, when "good men" comment on my status's but none of them aim to prove what they say. May I ask then why say it if you can't prove it? And I'm not meaning in a partnership but a relationship as friends.
I heard the song Human by Christina Perri and I cried. I just cried for a long time just asking anything whether aliens, God, or even just the men in my family, who I loved and trusted, who are now gone. Why am I only seen as a package of breasts? Why am I unable to have people get how many times I've been hurt? Why can't someone just be my shoulder for me to cry on, to just listen not talk?
I recently had a job where the cat brought home a baby rabbit. The little guy wasn't dead, his neck was punctured by the cat, giving him a slow painful death. I took the rabbit and snapped his neck killing him immediately so he would no longer suffer. My mother and others said I was so strong to do that, but I don't feel like it.
My whole life all I wanted was for others to smile, I forced bullies to not bother my friends but me. I stood up and fought for others while they where down. I've stood for another just because they were sexually different or thought different. Because I would hope someone would do that for me.
I curl up with my newest favorite book series Divergent and I just dream of Four and how he would cradle the one he loves. In fact he does do that but if you haven't read it yet I will not spoil it. I also love John Greens; The Fault In Our Stars. And my favorite videogame series (aside from Batman Arkham) Mass Effect. Where you get to choose a romance with a character.
For now I'll stick with the fantasy men. I know these men can NEVER hurt me, and I can always feel safe with them. The day a real man wants to prove that please step forward but for now I will be staying away from that. There is no reason to cry only to smile and feel hope.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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