The suffocating feeling of loneliness.

I never knew how loneliness felt until recently when my life stated the same ritual again. My dear and close friends all being married before me. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, truly am. But losing them to marriage and having the sickening experiences I've had with men I just felt numb. I'm a Mormon so of course this is normal in my church but I've felt shattered wondering what I'm doing wrong to attract the type of men who hurt me. 
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married. 
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me. 
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me. 
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did. 
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away. 
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man. 
I want my dreams to become reality. 
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!