Want to know what's the best about living with ______? They look down on you. So I've never had a good enough job. So automatically I can't do anything right and I'm stupid and dumb and everything I do is not helpful and I will always be a burden. During that time I sunk back into a very dark place in my mind and heart. It's a place where self pain doesn't hurt and where I want others to hurt me. I basically become very Joker like. When I was ten I went to this dark place. You see for me I've always had this dark place to disappear to so I don't ever have to deal with people and the world. But many times it makes me want to just die. When so many are saying all the reasons why I am a burden and they explain how I am failing and how I just can't help...Well what would you expect me to think. At the age of ten I experienced this a lot. My father while he was alive and with me kept reminding me that my strength was a help. Then it happened, he died. I didn't cry at his funeral and my ____ said cruel things to me followed by my ______. Then my guinea pig died, and my one _______ said something I would never forget. "YOU NEVER LOVED HIM! YOUR HEART IS BLACK AND COLD!" A black and cold heart? Yeah that describes me very well, I don't have much left of the torn heart in my chest. I keep trying to keep it alive and well but when that's all I hear it hurts. Now I haven't gone so far to feel like death is an exit but instead I've turned back to my writing and dag nab it all I'm gonna get published. You see it's fine, my _______ can stare at me and say cruel hurtful things to me. Whatever I'll take it and you know what I'll accept it as a part of me. Because after all the men with black hearts are hot. I'm always looked at as being insane and that I am the one causing problems in my _______. I also know that is thought of because of my fathers past. But you know what the past doesn't define who you are now! I think though I'll stay insane and stay with my new book characters. I need their love since no one in my house loves me, maybe a little love from the cat who I saved. But he's insane just like me so we fit together. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you've ever been called cold hearted or that you have a black heart, smile and say, "you got that right, JERK!" You're not less for being that way in fact you might be more because you actually care about others. You just have a wall that stops many from getting to far in. Anyways I will end this blog, don't worry I really have not had the thought of death since I was 11. I've thought of running away and living in the wild, but death just doesn't sound fun. So no matter what.... KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FATE! HAhahahahahahahahaha.......good one. To be honest though I've realized how little we are in control of our lives. Kind of frustrating correct? But have you noticed how we literally live in a book, video game, or movie? What do I mean by that? Well you don't get to have things work the way you want all the time. More often than not things happen to you day after day and they stretch you to your limits making you want to break. Have you noticed that for the characters in books and other entertainment have you ever thought about how often they just want to give up and crawl away? I noticed it and realized how much they inspire us day after day to keep trying. In the newest game I got of the Arkham series, Batman finds Alfred near death. After he revives him and is left to decide to go back out there and make a difference or to hang his cape up? In the end he chooses to make a difference all though he knows it could end in sorrow and pain. I've realized this is why we love books we see in them how things will work out. But in our own lives we can't. I've decided that it's time I let go. I've been struggling with my parachute as I've been free falling through life. I've learned I need to let go and let myself fall through the life the way that I need to go through. I'll do what I need to but I'm just gonna enjoy the fall for now. Reminds me of Joker falling off a building and being saved by Batman. I'll wait for my Batman to come and save me too as I fall. So let yourself free fall and stop trying to make your life be "perfect" just enjoy it for it is. KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!
Many of you probably sit there nodding your heads and relating to the pain of being bullied and beaten down. But whenever someone tells me about being bullied in school I always wish that was me. People always find me weird for saying that, but my bullying was my whole town. Yes that included the police. I never got a break. When I finally moved to the "big" city I thought it would change. And to an extent it did, but I've discovered things don't change that easily. I still have many around me who love me and care but I've notice more of those who when I need help choose to turn it down. Now I get things happening but when someone REALLY needs you, you should jump into action. I don't know why but my cars Serpentine Belt got shredded while I was nearly home. I couldn't believe it and immediately I fell on my knees and cried. I'm still crying, you see I've never gotten a break on being tried. I get an amazing job next thing I know the item I need the most gets a big problem. I wanted to crash down and just disappear. I wanted to just leave be done. And yet it just isn't in me to give up. I cry a lot and not a single soul around to just hold me when I'm in so much pain. I've gotten use to keeping my pain to myself and just keep a positive outlook for the sake of others, but I noticed people then begin to think I don't need any help or anything. I finally just have a melt down. There was once upon a time a guy from Australia who would hold me as I'd cry and say how strong I was in that moment. In that moment I realized how no matter how strong someone seems they always need some love from someone. I don't know what will happen but I do know I'm not giving up even if it means saying good-bye to my most favorite and wonderful job ever and moving back to the town that once hated me. I just know this before all that I'm buying lots of Xbox360 games and a new Xbox360, thanks to Xbox One for dropping the price on the old consoles. :) Hey one blessing for the day. :P KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
On the first day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, a dead man hung in a tree. On the second day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, two blinking eye balls, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the third day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, three barking werewolves, two blinking eye balls, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the fourth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the fifth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the sixth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the seventh day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, seven jumping witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the eighth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, eight scary skeletons, seven jumping witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the ninth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, nine dead zombies, eight scary skeletons, seven jumping witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the tenth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, ten blood sucking vampires, nine dead zombies, eight scary skeletons, seven jumping witches, six crawling rates, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the eleventh day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, eleven swamp men, ten blood sucking vampires, nine dead zombies, eight scary skeletons, seven jumpings witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the twelfth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, twelve laughing ghosts, eleven swamp men, ten blood sucking vampires, nine dead zombies, eight scary skeletons, seven jumping witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree. On the thirteenth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me, Thirteen meowing black cats, twelve laughing ghosts, eleven swamp men, ten blood sucking vampires, nine dead zombies, eight scary skeletons, seven jumping witches, six crawling rats, five chuckling goblins, four flying bats, three barking werewolves, two blinking eyeballs, and a dead man hung in a tree! HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!
I had something interesting happen. I was told by a guy how if I wanted to get a boyfriend/husband I need to grow my hair out. But I hate having long hair. I always loved having short hair, probably due to my cutting my hair when I was very little. But it just hurt so much to have a guy tell me that. So of course for a long time I kept my hair and didn't cut it but I didn't love it either I really wanted to cut my hair and so I did. Have you ever felt looked down on? I'm gonna explain how society now a days views men and women. What you are told you have to be in order to be beautiful. For the two you have to have a flat stomach with high sex appeal.
Now for the list of men:
You can not have medium length hair you HAVE to have long or short. If your hair is curly get it fixed, and if your hair is long and curly straighten it or make it into waves.
You can have hair on your chest, forearms, legs, and half way down your neck.
You MUST have abs, and sharp chin and jaw.
Your eyes need to be soul full with thick well defined eyebrows.
Your hands need to be rough and large.
Now for the list of women:
You HAVE to have long hair that is at least to your mid back. It has to be perfect, curled, wavy, or straight. No frizz, flyaways, or leaving your hair natural.
You need to have no hair anywhere but on your thin well defined eyebrows, long full eyelashes, and your head. Anywhere else and you are disgusting.
You have to have perfectly shaped legs and arms, with small feet and hands that all are soft and smooth.
You have to have a small nose, full lips, and doe like eyes.
Your body needs to be an hourglass shape with a perfect shape.
Sounds depressing right? You're basically being told this by magazines, TV, movies, and music. You're not beautiful or worthwhile if you're not that. Let me share an interesting fact for you. THIS IS ONLY A PHASE!!! Many of you know about Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa correct? This painting many may not notice but she has no eyebrows. Don't believe me take a look. There has been the style of overalls, bangs going straight up, belly shirts, on and on. So have I made my point? What you should only look for in another is health and kindness, what you get physically should never matter. Be a voice and state this, "No matter what anyone says to me I am unique and beautiful. A person who someone finds truly stunning." KEEP BELIEVING YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!
One of the things I have realized is how we as people have forgotten to be kind to each other. Have you ever just stopped and seen how people will say things just cause they think they're funny? But really they are belittling someone for the whole purpose of being "funny." But when it comes to someone doing the same to them they flip out and claim being offended. I was made fun of for dressing up as the Joker for the special event called Superhero Hope. Superhero Hope was an event I did for the sole purpose of helping others dressed up in costumes. All though it may seem silly it is lots of fun and plenty of people get a big smile. I luckily don't care about being judged by others. Learned to stop caring the first time I was bullied. But it surprised me how easily others could make such cruel jokes about me, and not care? I feel as humans we have lost the one thing we all thrive on being kind and loving each other with out a care of who or what you are. I feel we need to call it quits in all these fights and wars they aren't helping and all I see is families and friends being torn apart. I challenge you to go out and give service in your town. I guarantee if you do that then there will be change. I will post a picture soon of me in my costume till then. KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You ever have that chance to date and then as soon as you try to go out with the guy your gut twists in pain and you feel sick? Want to know what's even more fun? When you finally realize you're just gonna be single for several long years. Now what do I mean by that? Well I realized it while trying to get over my anxiety to date this guy. He simply choose trying to date me just wasn't a option. Of course at first he was pretty dead set on dating me but after another meet up and talking he just realized waiting for me to be comfortable with him wasn't worth it. And I don't blame him, to be honest I had come to the conclusion that I would need to end it soon. Now I'm single and I've learned one big thing, to love it! Sometimes especially in my church, it is such a pushed upon idea of if you're single you're miserable. Well to be honest every time I was in a relationship was the time I was miserable. Especially now. You see it's been months sent my previous relationship. If you want to know what happened go and read the earlier posts. Anyways, with what he had done to me my mind and body feared men. Now mind you these were just men I have no idea about, or even guys texting me saying how they want to make out. I am comfortable around my best guy friends, they make me smile and laugh and I just enjoy their company. Why? Because I've been alone with them in a room and not once have they betrayed my trust. Now maybe they just don't care about me romantically (that's the fancy term) but still. So why have I determined being single is better for me? Because I'm relaxed and happy with myself. I don't care about having to have someone in my life. If a guy gets brave and becomes like Batman and then asks me out, good on him. Until then no guy wants to do that, they don't want to get to know me as a friend first or even wait for my anxiety to be over come well anyways it doesn't matter. I'm gonna stay the video gaming, batman loving, goofball of a girl. I love me! KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
