Want to know what's the best about living with ______? They look down on you. So I've never had a good enough job. So automatically I can't do anything right and I'm stupid and dumb and everything I do is not helpful and I will always be a burden. During that time I sunk back into a very dark place in my mind and heart. It's a place where self pain doesn't hurt and where I want others to hurt me. I basically become very Joker like. When I was ten I went to this dark place. You see for me I've always had this dark place to disappear to so I don't ever have to deal with people and the world. But many times it makes me want to just die. When so many are saying all the reasons why I am a burden and they explain how I am failing and how I just can't help...Well what would you expect me to think. At the age of ten I experienced this a lot. My father while he was alive and with me kept reminding me that my strength was a help. Then it happened, he died. I didn't cry at his funeral and my ____ said cruel things to me followed by my ______. Then my guinea pig died, and my one _______ said something I would never forget. "YOU NEVER LOVED HIM! YOUR HEART IS BLACK AND COLD!" A black and cold heart? Yeah that describes me very well, I don't have much left of the torn heart in my chest. I keep trying to keep it alive and well but when that's all I hear it hurts. Now I haven't gone so far to feel like death is an exit but instead I've turned back to my writing and dag nab it all I'm gonna get published. You see it's fine, my _______ can stare at me and say cruel hurtful things to me. Whatever I'll take it and you know what I'll accept it as a part of me. Because after all the men with black hearts are hot. I'm always looked at as being insane and that I am the one causing problems in my _______. I also know that is thought of because of my fathers past. But you know what the past doesn't define who you are now! I think though I'll stay insane and stay with my new book characters. I need their love since no one in my house loves me, maybe a little love from the cat who I saved. But he's insane just like me so we fit together. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you've ever been called cold hearted or that you have a black heart, smile and say, "you got that right, JERK!" You're not less for being that way in fact you might be more because you actually care about others. You just have a wall that stops many from getting to far in. Anyways I will end this blog, don't worry I really have not had the thought of death since I was 11. I've thought of running away and living in the wild, but death just doesn't sound fun. So no matter what.... KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FATE! HAhahahahahahahahaha.......good one. To be honest though I've realized how little we are in control of our lives. Kind of frustrating correct? But have you noticed how we literally live in a book, video game, or movie? What do I mean by that? Well you don't get to have things work the way you want all the time. More often than not things happen to you day after day and they stretch you to your limits making you want to break. Have you noticed that for the characters in books and other entertainment have you ever thought about how often they just want to give up and crawl away? I noticed it and realized how much they inspire us day after day to keep trying. In the newest game I got of the Arkham series, Batman finds Alfred near death. After he revives him and is left to decide to go back out there and make a difference or to hang his cape up? In the end he chooses to make a difference all though he knows it could end in sorrow and pain. I've realized this is why we love books we see in them how things will work out. But in our own lives we can't. I've decided that it's time I let go. I've been struggling with my parachute as I've been free falling through life. I've learned I need to let go and let myself fall through the life the way that I need to go through. I'll do what I need to but I'm just gonna enjoy the fall for now. Reminds me of Joker falling off a building and being saved by Batman. I'll wait for my Batman to come and save me too as I fall. So let yourself free fall and stop trying to make your life be "perfect" just enjoy it for it is. KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!
Many of you probably sit there nodding your heads and relating to the pain of being bullied and beaten down. But whenever someone tells me about being bullied in school I always wish that was me. People always find me weird for saying that, but my bullying was my whole town. Yes that included the police. I never got a break. When I finally moved to the "big" city I thought it would change. And to an extent it did, but I've discovered things don't change that easily. I still have many around me who love me and care but I've notice more of those who when I need help choose to turn it down. Now I get things happening but when someone REALLY needs you, you should jump into action. I don't know why but my cars Serpentine Belt got shredded while I was nearly home. I couldn't believe it and immediately I fell on my knees and cried. I'm still crying, you see I've never gotten a break on being tried. I get an amazing job next thing I know the item I need the most gets a big problem. I wanted to crash down and just disappear. I wanted to just leave be done. And yet it just isn't in me to give up. I cry a lot and not a single soul around to just hold me when I'm in so much pain. I've gotten use to keeping my pain to myself and just keep a positive outlook for the sake of others, but I noticed people then begin to think I don't need any help or anything. I finally just have a melt down. There was once upon a time a guy from Australia who would hold me as I'd cry and say how strong I was in that moment. In that moment I realized how no matter how strong someone seems they always need some love from someone. I don't know what will happen but I do know I'm not giving up even if it means saying good-bye to my most favorite and wonderful job ever and moving back to the town that once hated me. I just know this before all that I'm buying lots of Xbox360 games and a new Xbox360, thanks to Xbox One for dropping the price on the old consoles. :) Hey one blessing for the day. :P KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
