During that time I sunk back into a very dark place in my mind and heart. It's a place where self pain doesn't hurt and where I want others to hurt me. I basically become very Joker like. When I was ten I went to this dark place. You see for me I've always had this dark place to disappear to so I don't ever have to deal with people and the world. But many times it makes me want to just die.
When so many are saying all the reasons why I am a burden and they explain how I am failing and how I just can't help...Well what would you expect me to think. At the age of ten I experienced this a lot. My father while he was alive and with me kept reminding me that my strength was a help. Then it happened, he died.
I didn't cry at his funeral and my ____ said cruel things to me followed by my ______. Then my guinea pig died, and my one _______ said something I would never forget. "YOU NEVER LOVED HIM! YOUR HEART IS BLACK AND COLD!"
A black and cold heart? Yeah that describes me very well, I don't have much left of the torn heart in my chest. I keep trying to keep it alive and well but when that's all I hear it hurts. Now I haven't gone so far to feel like death is an exit but instead I've turned back to my writing and dag nab it all I'm gonna get published.
You see it's fine, my _______ can stare at me and say cruel hurtful things to me. Whatever I'll take it and you know what I'll accept it as a part of me. Because after all the men with black hearts are hot. I'm always looked at as being insane and that I am the one causing problems in my _______.
I also know that is thought of because of my fathers past. But you know what the past doesn't define who you are now! I think though I'll stay insane and stay with my new book characters. I need their love since no one in my house loves me, maybe a little love from the cat who I saved. But he's insane just like me so we fit together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you've ever been called cold hearted or that you have a black heart, smile and say, "you got that right, JERK!" You're not less for being that way in fact you might be more because you actually care about others.
You just have a wall that stops many from getting to far in. Anyways I will end this blog, don't worry I really have not had the thought of death since I was 11. I've thought of running away and living in the wild, but death just doesn't sound fun. So no matter what....
KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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