I guess I should've given up a LONG time ago. I clearly can't live a life, I'm incapable of taking care of myself. Yeah those are my real feelings. I have fought and struggled to prove one things, that I'm not stupid and that I do have the education I got in school. But in the end I feel like it was all for not. I've been stuck in my darkest thoughts.
My thoughts are my greatest friends and worst enemies. When I'm just stuck at home I get consumed. But here is why it's worse. When I was ten I couldn't cry because well let's just say there was very special circumstances for me to not be able to shed a tear.
And I'm back in those circumstances again. I cry under my covers into my pillow as I drown myself in songs. I just try to overcome the tears and the pain. The very real gaping pain stuck in my heart. I can't escape this kind of darkness I've had my whole life. It is a part of me and who I am. I've just learned to accept it more and be ok with it.
It's who I am, but I feel it digging me more and more when I can't just break down out in full cries. When it was just me and my mom just being able to cry was good. But now I just don't do it and it's all because I can't.
My friends they look at me and see someone so strong, I'm not I just trained myself to not show real emotion. And I must apologize to the guys I've dated before I know I didn't really show my real self. I'm a dark person, what I love and what I feel is dark but it is all my safe haven. I need them to feel at points and to pull out.
You see what I say is dark is my love of monsters, vampires being romantic. I daydream a lot and I dream of deep romances with my imaginary friends. I have a large group of people who protect me and keep me safe.
Now why do I have imaginary people who I act as if they're real? Well I never had a friend who would just check up on me all the time to see if I was ok. Just to see if I was surviving. Remember the last post I like to self harm when I'm in the black pit. It's a common thing, but I do it not to cry for help but to prove to myself I need to be punished.
I get into my black pit and I feel like I am deserving of punishment, that I need to be beaten up and left in the road. I guess it stems from my bullying. But thanks to my imaginary friends they always come to my aid and save me. I try so very hard to not drown in the black pit but it appears.
Many of you might think medication would be good for me, but really I can't take it, allergies and just the fact that I've found my own med's. Whenever I just let myself drift to the other worlds I can feel the love I need in that moment. I can feel the reason to be strong and to just keep getting up everyday.
We all suffer some kind of black pit. And for a lot of us it's very deep and it keeps eating us. Joker is a prime example of just continuing to sink into a black pit. He went insane and decided he needed to be punished and to have that happen he does crazy stuff. His hope is to finally be killed, but the one who doesn't is Batman. Why because Batman knows we can all climb out of our black pits.
That black pit doesn't need to hold you, you can still pull yourself out and escape! You can imagine friends and feel their warmth. I know we all can have an exit it doesn't have to be just a feeling of no escape. Part of me always wonders how I can even THINK I can be successful without the degree. But I know I have the education, I just hope to prove that to someone else.
We'll all have to make the choice, fall down and cry, or get up and feel the ones who love you love.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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