That silent moment when you are afraid of trying to do what you want.

I have recently been struggling with where I live. I have become so severly tormented with the thought of stayin where I am that I get sick. My body screams in pain and my voice closes up in fear of saying I don't want to be here anymore.
I have no clue where I really want to go I just want to leave. I have many friends here but that is all there is for me here. I love my job but I can't earn enough from it and thus it causes problems when all I want is to live on my own.
I'm a 25 (soon to be 26) year old single woman. All I want is to be financially stable and living in my own place. Yet here I am typing this in my sisters place, a place where I just want to escape. I love my family for all they've done but I've been so fragile and now I'm starting to literally break.
To my friends who read this I'm sorry but there is no way you could help, I have to do this alone. Sure I may cry almost every night because of it and I may wish that someone would just see my pain and comfort me. But I know I am alone with the only ones to give me comfort are my book characters, the ones who I have to neglect because technology breaks.
I write on here to try and see the positive that will be coming from this. But I have no clue, I struggle pay check to pay check to pay bills. 
I know many my age are dealing with this as well and I think it's stupid. Yet I also know that war is on our doorsteps. North Korea attacking the South, Israel and Palastine bombing each other, and Ukraine fighting Russia. I guess I don't know what will happen but darn do I wish I can breathe soon.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Used Goods

I'm going to do something I've never done before, it is something I never went into detail but I'm doing it now because I'm tired of being an extreme sex fantasy or just one of the guys. I'm sharing this to open the guys I've talked to mind. Many if not all of them claim there is good from them watching Porn yet I know as many others that it is not.

I met this guy at the Halloween dance he was really sweet and talked to me before asking me out. I was of course happy because I hadn't had a date for almost 3 years. I finally felt I was attractive to someone and went out with him. A friend of mine tagged along which I was grateful for, we went to a Halloween party where he kissed me.

A kiss on the first date wasn't unusual since the last guy I dated gave my first kiss on our first date. But that guy only stayed for a week and was very open of his desires for sex but respected me in not wanting to have sex. But sadly with this guy he would teach me why a guy wanting to kiss on the first date is a red flag.

He asked me out a few more times we had dinner and watched movies. I enjoyed it and it was fun being around him, I never felt unsafe either. It wasn't until Thanksgiving that he asked me to visit his family. That was when my fears started. I wasn't sure why he introduced me to his family we hadn't been dating for more then three weeks.

Yet there I was with his family. Then it happened. I decided to accept his invite to watch a movie at his house. Usually his mother was there so I wasn't worried, but when I got there she was leaving. I didn't feel too nervous since he was suppose to be a righteous man in my churches standards.

Yet he kissed me and he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I pulled back and asked him to not do that, he told me to just relax and placed a hand down below. I paniced and started to cry which made him get mad and stop. I got up and left, I didn't ever want to see him again yet he wanted to apologize and then he did it again. This time successfully bruising my leg, I wanted to let him go in full but I didn't.

Finally he gave the final reason out public as to why I should let him go. He told me a lie that he was going to a nephews birthday during the night of a party. I went to the party to find him sitting with another girl. I kept myself as calm as I could before leaving and breaking down.

I knew one of his secrets he watched porn in excess amounts, he never saw women as humans but as objects to get his jollies off to. I was bruised by him and was scarred in an even worse manner. And now when any man tells me porn is good I cry and get upset.

Porn is actually brand new and the types of porn is all different. Unlike in the old times where it didn't exist men had only their imagination, but in their imagination they were more often then not respecting women as wives or mothers. I know this cause I read a 1920 romance novel written by a man who wrote it for his love who died and he never got to hold in his arms.

I have become a wreck, I'm scared of men I don't feel like I can trust them or even see them as protectors. The worst part Porn is very widely accepted as normal and that we are to stop judging men who watch it. For me, men it's one thing to imagine sex ok. Cause us women imagine sex too. But it's another to have your ways of having sex played out to you by men who have no respect for women at all.

How do I know this? There is lots of websites where women are forced to perform sex acts that they don't want to do. Do you seriously think it is normal? It isn't and that's why I worry and feel unsafe around men. I hope that things change on the view of Porn I hope it becomes realized how damaging it is.

It's why in the end I always say...

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fault of our dreams

I rolled over to see a small fire in front of me a silhouette sitting by the fire. It noticed that I was awake. And walked over I sat up smiling before I saw the same creature as last time.
"OHMY, GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed scrambling away from him my hands reaching the edge of the river.
"Please don't do that again," it spoke and his voice was soft and gentle, "I know this is a typical reaction to an alien but plea-"
"ALIEN!?" I screamed unsure of what to feel or think right then as I stared at him. He looked human enough but his eyes shined in the dark, his scales reflecting the fires light, and spines on the side of his face held golden hair back from his face which otherwise appeared normal. His face sunk in sorrow and he sat on the ground holding his hands out as if to be cuffed.
"Go ahead, I know your government would be very excited to finally get an alien," he said so calmly looking into my eyes.
I was still terrified my heart was screaming with adrenaline ready to flee. My muscles where tensed from the extra blood ready to swing into a punch. 'He's not attacking and he saved me from my own destruction, I should be more afraid of myself then of him.'
We just sat looking at each other for a long time. He didn't move at all even as I shifted from my legs going numb. I finally stood up and all he did was move his head up to look at me as I got a little closer still staying a good distance away from him.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say with a little stuttering. My body was slowing from the adrenaline and I was getting tired.
"We came to see if this planet you call earth was ready for connect from the other planets in the galaxy," he said still holding his hands where they remained, "We had sent a signal a while back but never heard a response. We then sent an object to test if your people would kill us, sadly it was taken to a base to be studied. Until recently we felt humans would kill us Drednas."
"What object?"
"Ever heard of Rosewell, New Mexico?"
"Are you kidding? I think every human heard about that incident."
"Yeah of course the story goes as far to say we sent one of our own in the craft, no just one of our computers. Which reminds me how is Siri?"
"Are you kidding that's were she came from?"
"Nah, just pulling your leg as you humans would say," he chuckled a bit smiling a crooked smile.
I blushed, not from just embarrassment but from his smile as well. And I hadn't noticed that I had gotten closer despite him not moving at all. I finally walked up to his out stretched hands kneeling before reaching out tentative fingers to touch his. He watched me as my fingers grazed the smaller scales on his hands, They felt the same as those on a lizard or snake, soft yet firm and protective.
"I heard you have creatures with my skin type here," he said. I looked up at him his smile had gotten bigger at my willingness to be close and touching him.
"Yeah, snakes and lizards." I looked back his hands there where claw like fingernails but they weren't viciously long but more short and closer to his finger.
"So still gonna take me in?"
I looked up at him as he stared at me. His smile gone he was just looking at me in seriousness. I gently touched his palm feeling the same texture as a lizards underbelly there.
"What's your name?"
"Gorgny."



I've been finding it interesting. I have been struggling for a while but I also know that it was never due to my education. Many of my friends with degrees are still struggling in todays society. But I won't deny I've thought of trying out to be an astronaut! When I was a kid going into the stars sounded like a ton of fun. And even as an adult it sounds perfect.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reality can be very suffocating.

I stared at my friends casket as she was lowered into her grave, to never be seen again. All of my tears were spent from crying with her husband over the news. I looked over at Robert as he hled their son in his arms, he was fighting to not cry and I knew why.
"Strength," I whispered under my breath. Strength was the only way to survive the numbing pain that this life brings.
I saw Tom and my other friends across from me. He ave me a sorrowful look, probably because he regretted the fact that he had tried to get me on such a terrible night. I couldn't stay any longer and left in my car.
I drove half way home before pulling off to a part of the river that was sucluded. I pulled my shoes off and waded into the river allowing my black dress to get soaked I kept walking. 'NO!' I knew that I was feeling crazy wanting to just see if my invincibility of death would save me from drowning.
The rivers currents tore at my body tugging at my legs urging for me to slip and be pulled in. I kept walking till the currents where to my collarbone. I then slowly bent my legs feeling the current tear me off balance. My head hit the water as I sunk into the rushing water.
I screamed allowing water to flow into my mouth. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!' I felt my body get yanked as if I was caught, my body had closed my mouth after the first initial rush of water. I felt my body get tugged up till I was out of the river and my mouth coughed out the water it had been filled with. 'I'm alive, I'm so glad.'
"Let me go!" I thought I shouted but instead my mouth mumbled. I couldn't see well with the river water still in my eyes. But the breathing sounded deep and I could feel that I was in the arms of a man.
"I don't think letting you go will be beneficial."
I finally could see and a man who had half reptelian scales was looking at me with blue green eyes. My mind and body reacted screaming before I blacked out.

Recently I've found out why I've been suffering severe lonliness. Many of my friends are married and having kids all over. I'm still single and trapped in a spiral of my own demise. I don't suffer suicide, at least not since I was ten.
But this loniliness has proven to be a very suffocating feeling. I have one of two men interested in me, the first is the ood old friend, the second is the full sexual fantasy.
I want one chance at a deep romance but it's funny I seem to only be able to get the romance in my writing.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!