Mysterious and Alluring

"I find you mysterious. I barely know anything of your past and that makes you so alluring to me. I want to have you be mine."

Not romantic especially right now. I appreciate what he said but if you knew why he was saying that you'd also cringe. He's a nice guy, but he has a lot of things to work on. Sadly before this I was only his well masturbation fuel, and yes he would tell me that in many messages.

So you can see why I've cringed at the message he sent. My response was light and quick to tell him no. "Um, Thanks. That's nice of you to say but I'm not looking for a relationship right now. Too much going on to even think of that." And just like that I felt comfortable and happy.

It's nice to hear a guy call my mysterious or alluring, but I don't want a man in my life right now. At least not one I've known before. I want a brand new man to want to get to know me. And to learn he won't get every detail of my past when he wants to know more about me. Huh, it's probably why I'm always playing Mass Effect just to have my Turian say silly and cute things. Oh Garrus. Oh right blog.

But why is it that most guys who talk like that are also the ones who messaged me before with either saying I'm good to masturbate to, or a picture of those nether parts I don't care about. It seriously frustrates me when most guys see me as that. I get sexua; arousal and thoughts when interested in someone, but when did it become I tell you outright I only see you good for sex?

I'm starting to think I should really go to NASA and tell them I'm more then happy to leave earth for Mars. Maybe leaving will help to really find myself. Anyways I've been throwing away things that have been part of my past. I want to toss my yearbooks but those cost a lot so ugh. But I realized all my friends from my past don't talk to me anymore. And how freeing that was.

Playing the big sister for many of them was not how I wanted things to continue. But my future is the same as well just with new people. But I'm glad that I'm finally letting my past go, all the judgement, hate, and physical/emotional trauma it is being let go. I can smile not just because people need me to smile but because I am genuinely happy and FREE!

Today when that message was recieved I learned everything from my past was no longer with me. I learned of my worth and I know someone new and amazing will come into my life and we'll dance to a tone of our own music. New friends will remain, but old ones will be greeted with courtesy let go but not forgotten.

For once I can say I'm truly free and seeing so much more. So thank you to the men who've used me, I've seen my worth and beauty and I'm never letting this feeling go. I hope things change but I am truly grateful. 

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Are "things" all useless and not helpful?

One of my friends loves to tell me over and over that buying that new videogame, or that new book is just a waste of money. That I will never be able to take the book or videogame with me. And that was in I finally snapped and told her to leave me alone.
Lately, all though I appreciate and love my friends, they have made me feel like every choice I want to make is wrong. But this one thought stopped me. Why do we love playing videogames or reading books? It's true in the end at some point the physical parts of them will be gone. Turned into dust, blown away never to be physically seen again.
Yet they never truly leave us, the stories and adventures stay in our hearts and minds forever. I find it ironic that people seem to see books and videogames bad, when they are like humans. I love humans yet they frustrate me, there are many good humans whom we can learn so much from. But there are also plenty bad and destructive humans who still learn from.
We list things as if they are bad. But not all things are just items you trade and forget some of these "things" are like a human. I've been playing Mass Effect alot lately, just a way to think differently and to have hope in my most dark moment. Sadly I can't tell friends how dark, I'd scare them if I did.
The most prominent thought has been that if I go bankrupt then I will leave this planet. I want to go off world explore outside of the earths protection to another planet where there could possibly be no return.
If I told my friends that they would tell me why I have to stay but I want to do more then I've done now. I try writing sadly headaches and nausea keeps me from writing, the joys of being anxious over the outcome. I don't know if that will be what will happen but hopefully something will happen and I'll be able to just relax and focus on my stories again.
I'm scared and that fear does make doing what I want more difficult but I believe in things working out. So I'll keep trying to just get somewhere in life and make something big happen.
Don't undermine the help and strength a "thing" has. It can change how you view things it can help you stay positive and happy. Things can not be defined so if something changes your views in a positive way then hold on to those.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Hey guys I'm going to be making a T-Shirt based on my drawing here with the saying I use to keep myself up KEEP BELIEVING I hope that you guys will definantly buy one when it comes out. Also I'm planning to do some YouTube vlogging, I'm hoping my first video will be an unboxing. Thanks for supporting my blog. :)

The complete course change

Fascinating world that we live in. The earth has so many secrets. She is protected by a magnetic field that keeps the solar radiation from frying our brains and from frying our skin in a few seconds. She also has lots of water to keep us alive and well. Earth has to be one of the most beautiful and terrifying planet we live on. While she'll protect us she will also destroy us because we have no respect for her or our own kind.
Of course I don't want to delve too much into that, what I really want to talk about is my desire to just leave earth. As harsh as that may sound I'm so tired of being here. A world ruled by money and politics. I have no real say and am instead stuck in a way I never thought I would be. 
Lately I have lost control of really anything in my life. Spefically money and work. I started to just get wrapped up in doing a super cleaning of where I live but my finger which has a damaged nerve still flared up in defiance of my cleaning. And on top of that it's raining and where I live we have a small trash can so putting trash outside is asking for it to get moldy and gross.
I have literally no control of my life at all right now. I'm trapped in a cycle of unknowns and sorrows. All though I'm usually an optimist especially with my thought process of learning more it still breaks me. I'll admit I've cried far more then I care to admit.
It's even better when you can't just ask friends to do something with you due to finals. I have to much respect for education to ask them to push it aside just to indulge me. I may not seem very educated or to some I may seem too educated. But all in all I don't really care.
What I have decided in this time of absolute insanity is one of two options. I'll otherwise be fine, get a good job, find a place of my own, and make enough money to travel to Japan and Europe. Or everything will break, I'll lose my car, and move back home, miserable and broken. But I hate being broken, lived that way for eight years I don't want that anymore.
So I've decided I will just focus on exploring more. Going back home will suck but I'll go more into the mountains wandering the woodland, chasing big horns and mustangs, maybe cross a couple of bears and cougars. I want to not remain stagnate. And that has happened more then I'd care to admit. I don't care if people don't see me as educated due to no diploma.
I know my education, it is considered crazy but sometimes the best minds where called insane. The biggest thing I want to do, is to encourage the creation of holograms we can touch, encourage the creation of hologram billboards. Making an actual AI, we have VI's which are getting there in intelligence but they will always be limited an AI wouldn't be limited. Of course that would terrify scientists the world around, since we feel pretty sure that technology will be our downfall. I agree but we won't know until we've crossed that line.
I also want more of exploration to be done on the earth, exploration of our deepest caves and oceans.
But like I said I'm crazy in my thought. I guess I've been thinking for too long. Guess that happens when everything is taken away from you being able to progress. All I can do now is just try and survive.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We need to change how we view HUMANS

Lately I've been hearing about the whole racism, homophobia, and other such hating of humans. But what bothers me most is how we categorize it. It's not any of those areas what it is, if a fear of being human. Let me explain we are not racist we are afraid of judging because someone looks different, it isn't homophobia it is a fear that you maybe attracted to the same sex as well.
I won't deny it, religions have played a part in making it seem that a God they worship hates those kinds of people and thus condems them. But I do not believe that is the case. How I see it when I think about God He is waiting for us to learn how to love being human and all other humans, who look and act different.
Now being smart in all areas of being around another human is important, after all I was not only sexually assaulted by just men but also by women. So I tend to be on guard with women as well, getting undressed in any area where any of the sexes can see me is very uncomfortable. And I wish I didn't feel that way, things would be a little easier. Such as taking a shower at a friends house more comfortably.
But that is the thing. It is not a hatered of lesbians now, it is a caution of all humans. Caution is VERY different from fear. Caution means you understand any person around you can hurt you, but you're willing to interact with all people in the hopes that they won't hurt you.
We need to stop labeling ourselves to a race or even sexual orientation. I'd love if we just called all of ourselves human, full of flaws but worth loving and getting to know. Wouldn't it be better if we could do that? Maybe just my crazy mind. Either way I think we can get there someday.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Video Games and Books taking us away from Reality

So from previous posts I'm sure you can guess that my life has become a broken swirl of chaos, pain, stress, and sorrow. I've never felt so down and depressed as I do now and never once have I felt so swallowed up in fear and worry. I have so much that is wrong with where I live and with trying to figure out how to make money come into my life.
Luckily, I have managed to keep my Xbox 360 alive and kicking. I've named the big white box Galacticus. Just because the console is that amazing for still kicking and working long and hard. Plus when I bought it at the Pawn Shop it had a free game disc in it, so SCORE!
With everything crazy that has been happening I've been drowning myself in one of my most favorite games ever. Mass Effect, a story of a soldier who learns of a robotic race coming to wipe out all organic life again. It is one of the most amazing games I have ever played, it draws me in and makes me excited as I run around shooting machines, making friends with awesome aliens, etc.
But I realized very quickly why I love the games so much. If you read from this point on and never played the game there will be big spoilers.
In the game they give a romance option. In the first one you have only two choices, for Female Shepard you can romance Kaidan (human), or Liara (Asari) if you play male you still have Liara but you can romance Ashley. Also the romance options depend on if you save Ash or Kai from the bomb on Virmire.
In the second game you have three options, of course for the female shepard Jacob (human), Thane (Drell), and Garrus (Turian he is also one of four of your crew who is with you in all three games). For male Jack (human), Miranda (human), and Tali (Qurian she is another who is with you all three games).
And in the third game you can literally romance anyone. Garrus, Tali, Miranda, Jack, Thane, Kaidan, Ashley, Liara, Traynor, Cortez. The funniest part of this all is in the Citadel DLC you can have a one night stand with James or Javick. But you can see the fun of the game.
But of course my reason for loving the game so much is Garrus and Tali. Since they are the only two who stay with you all three games. For me that spells true love and trust. They're aliens who have dextro-amino acids, so they have to eat different food from the rest of the aliens. And Tali has a huge risk of getting sick just from taking her mask off. 
But they are there through it all. Saren, Collectors, and Reapers. When I do the romance part of the game I romance one of them.
Garrus is my favorite by far but that is because I can make my female Shep look like me. So meh, can pretend lol. But the real reason I love the games is that it gives me a chance to forget all the things that are going wrong in my life. I can just run around killing Reapers and choosing to destroy them or make synthesis(joining of flesh and machine together) happen.
I don't have to think about how things feel like they are falling to pieces I can just focus on stopping Harbinger. I feel if videogames give you another world to escape they play the same role and part as books, just more choices and action. Anyways just a random write for the day.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Darkening Clouds

I live out in the West and as many know we are suffering from a severe drought that could lead to another Dust Bowl. But what is more interesting to me about this all is just the fact that it's making me want to find an answer for all the difficult problems. I find things to be really hard and not a soul can help me. I'm trapped in a place worse then purgatory really.
I can't move forward much. Trying this and hoping friends would support is a sad excuse of hope. I love my friends and family but it just feels like such a waste of time and energy when all I seem good for many of them is just being a listening ear. I'm grateful I can do that but many times I wish they would return the favor.
I wish I could just talk not have someone stop me and say how they see it and causing me to feel I can't open my mouth. When ever I write and I meet new characters they become my screaming voice. The voice that so often is shot down because no one agrees with me.
My mother is the only one who listens to me and I'm very grateful to her for it. I don't know what I would do without her. She makes it easy for me to at least have one person who will listen to me.
I've been having huge struggles with the whole financial crisis of the health care I was provided for an infected finger. And no one seems to get it, they just assume I'll be ok because of where I live. But where I live makes me extra depress and desiring to just run away and live among wolves or something. 
I didn't choose any of this and that's what makes things much more difficult. I wish I had just gone to New York to pursue my writing and fashion. Or that I could've tried for Nasa in building robotics like my father did. I wanted to be MORE then I am now.
And I feel like now I'm just too late, I can't change anything. I am stuck being judged and shot down. Maybe I need to be more harsh, stop my friends but I can't do that, not since I lost my father.
I'm gonna continue thinking of my books, gonna keep writing. Gonna play games I love, read books I love, and just do more to feel happy and excited for life. I miss that each day thinking new ideas writing more and seeing more, then the brick wall with spikes. Wish me luck.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The eye of the storm

Hmm, what a long year this has been so far. And yet I'm still stuck in mid air wondering where I'm going to fall next. Recently I had this dog bite happen and now I have more new problems. 
So the government is suppose to be making sure we get covered by health insurance. Well they just rejected me recently, making up a fake job and tips for me. Really Government if I made any where close to 1700$ a month I wouldn't even bother asking for help. But whatever. 
Then an old room mate who never had me sign anything nor can pursue legal action against me since it's been almost 5 years since I lived with her, threatened me. I of course very calmly told her to just leave me alone because she had no right to do nor say what she said. She hasn't messaged me since but whatever. 
And of course Collections is getting into the mix of things. Luckily I have amazing people who are supporting me and helping me out. And even though I have been over the top stressed I'm grateful that at least something is trying to be done.
Either way I just bought a wig that I'll wear to be the new Mythical Twist, gonna start doing make-up videos and vlogs. I also want to get it started to a point where the make-up will be based off of peoples favorite videogame characters.
That's the biggest and most positive plus I have thus far, playing Mass Effect trilogy, Batman Arkham series, Red Dead Redemption, Remember Me, Prototype, Minecraft, Walking Dead, and the one game to help me scream my frustration out Dark Souls. I'm insane. lol
But either way these games have kept me together thus far. And it's a huge deal because I've been crying way more then normal. I feel we have to find something that can hold us together and luckily I found mine. Still hoping everything else will be fixed soon and I can get back some kind of normal to my life. Either way it will get better somehow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's Been A Long Time

It's been a really stupid long time. Hah, so wow a ton of crap has happened during this time of absence and I wish I could say it's all dealt with and over. But sadly I'm pretty sure this is still just the very beginning. So what all happened? Well the laptop I had fell into two, I finally got a new one. And I was attacked by a dog.

That is my finger after it was cut open to clean out the infection and then was stitched back together. This was the day I was able to get the stitches out. Yeah that dog bit was only a little bite that got severely infected, even though I scrubbed it with soap and dumped hydrogen peroxide on it. And even better having to figure out how to pay the over 300k medical bills. Which are still getting bigger because of therapy. Oh and if you are wondering why I don't have medicade I tried for it but got no response back on it so yeah.
Anyways I've just had a really REALLY rough go to this year of 2015. And to be honest I'm so done, I'm tired, I'm stressed, and I'm still at risk with the infection being in my blood stream. So yeah when people see me as strong I get sad. Automatically I just feel like I can't be weak or fall apart I feel as if I have to be this superwoman or something.
Yeah I idealize Batman but for very specific reasons, since people see him as strength he keeps it. Not because he truly has this incredible strength but because others look to him to find strength. I'm ok with being that but just as how Batman has Catwoman to comfort him I wish for the same. I wish I had a Batman to comfort me.
I don't have a fully functioning finger it's stiff and numb and tingles from time to time. I have so much stress that even the smallest thing is causing me some irritation and sorrow. It's ridiculous I know but I just want to be held in someones arms and just let them stroke my hair for a while. Maybe while watching Big Hero 6 or How To Train Your Dragon 2. 
We are all weak so just making someone strong and not needing love, and comfort is just well not cool. I get though that I am not attractive to guys because I'm a very independent, strong willed, and stubborn woman. I know what I want and I do not bend on it in anyway. It of course drives guys nuts when I'm laughing loud, have a short hair cut, and don't let myself to be degraded or my friends for that matter too it scares them.
Started realizing I need a REAL man who actually can handle the type of woman that I am. Fiery and much like Tris or Katniss or Hermione. But I guess it's why I stay strong and I build up more of a wall to keep myself from feeling too much.
I guess in the end I just want to say I am back and I have alot to write about so if you read this and want to stick around cool. See ya next time.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!