The Need For Escape

There has come a point where I see how broken and damaged I really am. One of my sisters told me about this energy healing program where it works to heal your heart wall. But I learned why my heart wall is to not be touched, because it is in so many pieces. You feel trapped you can't move on nor can you change you're only trapped. You feel it the door has been locked and the key thrown away as others watch you suffer.
And yet who can you blame, you feel it you really feel it because you feel that you can only blame yourself. What have you done why have you only known to just run? Run right into failure and destruction. Now a days tears come so easily because my body mind and heart have reached their breaking point. I thought I was strong, I was so sure that I was ok, that I was fine.
But no I'm destroyed I suffocate everyday living with those who hate me, judge me. I have nothing good with my family no one really understands me or anything I am trying to fix. I also learned some reasons why I've been dying inside.
I was only 12 when I was alone in the PE locker room changing. I then heard the boys behind me. One grabbed my breasts and another pulled my arms behind me.  I screamed out for help. Our teacher came and saved me, but when taking it to police they rejected it. I told my sisters but they scoffed at me, telling me to stop telling lies. I was devastated who in the world could  I tell about what happened?
No one I was alone. I was chased home many times by the same boys trying to do the act again but my dog saved me many times. He protected me and was my only friend I could tell about what happened. The fear, the crushing pain of pretending to be ok.
I went to college was then sexually assaulted. I told someone and he dismissed it as my own fault. That the way I was dressed was the reason for the attack. I again reverted to being strong. I was punched by another. I'm so tired, I'm so broken and done. No one can save me, and I am locked in a jail of my own continuing suffering. 
I have only one control anymore, the color of my hair. I've decided I'll go blonde and make that change. I can't change anything else, not even my own heart. I've never realized how broke I was, carrying over 16 years worth of pain and suffering. Hah, but I hope the change will come sooner. I really really do.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When your past swallows you in a quiet realization.

I recently got this free e-book called The Trouble with Goodbye. In the book the main character has been raped and she finds a man who helps her to heal from her broken self. Now if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know that I've been abused by men for far too long. What hurts even more the one guy who was seeming to fix me had to end.
I explained to a friend how deeply we were connected, we loved each other he was the only man to ever say he loved me. He expected nothing from me, just my presence. When I set up boundaries with him he respected me in a huge way. He never once pushed the issue he only loved me and cherished me. People in my church were against our dating because he wasn't a member but I knew he was special. So special that I was ready to give him my everything, yet even in that moment he stopped and told me, "You're already makin it hard for me to leave, if we go all the way I could never let you go."
He truly loved me and didn't want to let me go but he was from Australia and unless I was willing to move there and be with him we weren't going anywhere. He unlike any guy I have ever dated didn't push a single thing. He never once made me feel bad for denying him kisses or dates. He also always stared at me despite other girls prettier then me admiring him. He showed me that a guy could truly love me. Especially since I was still trying to repair from everything that happened in my junior high to high school years.
Then after he was gone I dated another man, one who was a member of my church and immediatly people approved of us dating. No one saw him as a bad person but those nights I was with him I was scared. And the pain and hurt he left me broke me even further. What sucks was the sweeping under of what he did. I now have been struggling to feel like some man out there in the world will be like the Aussie I once was with.
What makes things even harder is some guys not understandin what I went through and getting hurt and mad at me. I need time to really work a relationship with someone, but it seems I'm going too slowly. I've felt frozen and thus my pain and anxiety reigns. I didn't notice how those scarring events stick. They don't just leave they consume your dreams and fears, they make you feel like you are what people say, "a whore."
I want for any woman whose faced this suffocating pain, please know you are NOT a whore. You didn't ask for it in any way. You are a human being and those men are nothing but dogs. Please know that you are someone special because of what you went through you better see the world. You know there isn't just good people because of religions or something else. You know there is evil everywhere. You also have the most golden hearts never forget that. Please raise awareness of rape and assault. The real pain can destroy a woman, don't let that happen.
To the men, be bigger then dogs. Don't live off your desires have control of them. Also don't ever see a woman as an object, she is a human being who has emotions and feelings that needs to be loved.
We need to be better then we were.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Comfort Zone

Everytime I write a book I always do a ton of research. Whether it's on diseases or fictional stories. Or even on wars and disasters. Sadly I learn a lot but when it comes to what friends know or what other people know it disappears and comes into play of not being real. I guess what bothers me is how trapped in bubbles of comfort we are in.
Now don't get me wrong comfort isn't all bad more often it helps you to not go insane. But it hides too much of what others are suffering. Let me go to one of the latest challenges to spread awareness of ALS. Now first of all in all the challenges no one explains what ALS is or even why it needs awareness. Want to know why? It's because it actually is a treatable disease/disability. Now the donating and raising awareness is great. But what would be better is a video talking about it not an ice bucket challenge.
There are so many diseases that need awareness, animals being threatened, living conditions for people, and so on and so on.
In this world we all become comfortable in our lives that we forget that we still have the power to change many peoples lives so they can live comfortable too. But wht do most of us do? We pass it onto a Government to take care. Let me go to a new problem with Obamacare. This great health care has caused me many problems including the trying to pay my medical bills myself. Before it was passed I was ok being able to pay the 3$ I could afford but after the bill passed I was required to pay over 100$ to pay it off in a year. 
Also I will be fined for not getting any of the health care through the program. And this was suppose to be a help for people to get health care. May I just say we have removed our responsibility of caring for each other by making the Governments responsibile and really do you think they care about us? No they don't not really. 
There is still so much that is messed up like the inflation and so much more. We can change this world just if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and see the world. Realize your heart will cry but that is good cause it will help you to want to make the changes happen faster. 
What comforts are you willing to lose to start making a change?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The depression effect

We may not wish to admit it or even think of it as a reality but suicide is a very real death that takes many peoples live. It comes about due to depression which is one of the biggest killer in the world. Depression is something most people have to deal with and it is very real and very destructive. The thing that makes me sad is the misunderstanding of suicide.
Suicide isn't as simply put a choice, it's a point of no return in depression. Let me explain, like the disease of Ebola or many more it starts off slow then it builds closer to the point when it just finally kills you. It isn't a choice. I know this because after the day I was nearly gang raped I went to my kitchen drawer drew out a knife and was ready to die. For me at that point it wasn't a choice it was a need. 
What stopped me was the realization that in the car crash I would've been killed then I survived for a reason. That reason I don't know but there was or is one. When depression hits you to that point suicide doesn't become an option it just is the final stage. But I just want you to know suicide can't be looked at as someone made the choice or something even crueler that the one who died is gonna suffer now.
Suicide is just a painful wake up to the reality that depression is still strong. Be there for your friends and family, love them and make sure they never feel alone. And be sure to find many ways to stay positive. In the end just remember you are of such great worth and like any disease it can be healed. It just takes time so be patient with yourself, and to loved ones be patient with them.
Robin Williams is greatly missed. We are forever grateful of his contribution to making the rest of us laugh and learn life. He has probably saved many lives may he and his family always remember that.
And as I always say,
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mirrored World Chapter 1 A Typical Day

Many people tell me it's normal for me to feel objectified. That I can't do anything to change what the world has decided is sexy and what's not. If I let any hair appear anywhere aside from my face, arms, legs, or chest then I'm disgusting. And only if my face has an appropriate structure then can I have long hair otherwise I better keep mine a buzz cut. I think it's ridiculous on the TV women can look however they want but the man better look prim and proper the suited image of a true man.

Porn is even worse men are sold into sex trafficking and many become dancers just to make it through college. Men also can't walk alone at night cause they are more likely to be raped, especially if their clothes are screaming for it. Oh and the clothes right, I've only been able to find low v neck shirts with skinny jeans. Men are expected to be ok with women overpowering them and I guess that makes me weird since that incident.

I look from my computer at my boss who is sexually harrassing a worker he doesn't seem too bothered by it. But her hand is not going to stay in appropriate places for long with him. I shudder and finish what I need to be turning my computer off and getting up to leave. I button my shirt as I leave so that I can finally feel covered.

"Finally can go home and not worry about people staring at me."

"Hey, hot rod, nice butt!"

I glance at the red haired girl with her baggy shirt and pants. She then does a crude hand motion indicating sex. I shake my head and scoff before getting into my car and heading home.

"Brandons new song, 'Just Touch Me' is on next!"

I turned the radio off that song annoys me. All it is about is how men just want sex and for some woman to just take them. It doesn't sing about boundaries cause clearly us men don't want consent before a woman does something to us. I get home and park before going into see my cat and turn on the TV. 

"Hey whiskers," I say rubbing the grey tabbies chin before spooning him some soft cat food, "You have such an easy life buddy."

I then grab a pizza and flop down on the couch going to a movie. Right off the bat I'm greeted by men with perfect bodies by todays standards, they're skinny and well built. My body isn't theirs and I struggle again with the thought of my self image. I turn the movie off flipping to TubeYou. I watch videos for over an hour before deciding to head off to bed.

I do a quick shave and brush of my teeth and hair, which is reaching my ears in length. I then notice a crack in my mirror.

"I'll get that fixed tomorrow," I say walking away.