The Need For Escape

There has come a point where I see how broken and damaged I really am. One of my sisters told me about this energy healing program where it works to heal your heart wall. But I learned why my heart wall is to not be touched, because it is in so many pieces. You feel trapped you can't move on nor can you change you're only trapped. You feel it the door has been locked and the key thrown away as others watch you suffer.
And yet who can you blame, you feel it you really feel it because you feel that you can only blame yourself. What have you done why have you only known to just run? Run right into failure and destruction. Now a days tears come so easily because my body mind and heart have reached their breaking point. I thought I was strong, I was so sure that I was ok, that I was fine.
But no I'm destroyed I suffocate everyday living with those who hate me, judge me. I have nothing good with my family no one really understands me or anything I am trying to fix. I also learned some reasons why I've been dying inside.
I was only 12 when I was alone in the PE locker room changing. I then heard the boys behind me. One grabbed my breasts and another pulled my arms behind me.  I screamed out for help. Our teacher came and saved me, but when taking it to police they rejected it. I told my sisters but they scoffed at me, telling me to stop telling lies. I was devastated who in the world could  I tell about what happened?
No one I was alone. I was chased home many times by the same boys trying to do the act again but my dog saved me many times. He protected me and was my only friend I could tell about what happened. The fear, the crushing pain of pretending to be ok.
I went to college was then sexually assaulted. I told someone and he dismissed it as my own fault. That the way I was dressed was the reason for the attack. I again reverted to being strong. I was punched by another. I'm so tired, I'm so broken and done. No one can save me, and I am locked in a jail of my own continuing suffering. 
I have only one control anymore, the color of my hair. I've decided I'll go blonde and make that change. I can't change anything else, not even my own heart. I've never realized how broke I was, carrying over 16 years worth of pain and suffering. Hah, but I hope the change will come sooner. I really really do.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!