A very special day is coming up. It's a day called love. And this year it's a little different for me. On Valentine's day I'm going to be going out and saying hi to every person I see. I decided that Valentines day needs to be treated as a day of love.
Anyone whom you love give them a gift or a hug, or kind word. Anyone whom you don't love learn to love them or to let them go so you don't ever hate them again.
I have had to let go of some people in my life. It's sad but they need to know that I won't ever let them mess with my life. There is another though who I'm letting into my life.
You see this world can be very cruel but I'm hopeful that together we can make this Valentines the best.
How many times do you just sit and wonder what the world would be like if everyone cared about each other??
Well first off wars, murders, and lyings; they just wouldn't happen. You see and that's were it becomes so sad. When ever I hear about shootings and the such I then think about Batman whose parents were shot right in front of him. Did Batman blame the gun for it? No. Did he despise the man and want him dead? No.
I love the superheroes they really make you think about what you're thinking and doing. Almost all of the superheroes have a very tragic story to the reason for them fighting. Superman lost his entire race to the destruction his planet. Wonder Woman watched many of her friends be killed. So what do we have to say?
Not much right because the way you take and handle pain is how you grow. I'm gonna share a song and then leave it here for the day. I'm still believing and hoping in something more for me. :)
Some times I stare at my life's story. It really fascinates me all the things I've gone through and all the struggles I'm dealing with right now. This story I have the right to make it my own.
I think of the founding fathers for my country America. I love them their stories formed the country that came to be that changed the whole world! And for any of you who are not Americans claiming that America didn't change the world look at your history. We proved one thing WE as humans make our own stories and do not follow what another tells us.
Don't you wish to be able to build your own life? Don't you wish to stop just sitting on the sidelines living a comfortable life? Don't you wish to get into the fight and bring the life you want to being? I do and all though this will take some time I'm hopeful.
One of the big things I've learned is that why I love books so much is because they force your mind to open up more to thoughts that not one would dare to think or believe. We are taught but our governments that they know best and to follow their plans.
I live in the state Nevada. And I will tell you this right now, out of any of the states to be last in changing the laws of guns would be my state. Nevada has always been different from the rest of the country. The natives live much more widely spread here and they have taught many of us who became close to them how to hunt, make homemade bows and arrows, and one of their amazing tribal dances.
Mostly it's Paiutes that live here and I love them and their culture.
So why is it then that we all have this thought of just sitting back and letting our governments control what we do in everyday life? Don't believe me? First off look at were you're working and think about what kind of education you had to get to get it. Most people who ended up being the most successful did not have the education that was commonly taught in the schools they had to learn it themselves.
I think I've mentioned how my friends when they learn that I don't have a high school diploma are always shocked. Because I have a very strong education just in things not considered necessary.
Look around and start to make a change, fight for the life you've wanted.
I won't deny it but tonight all I want to do is just cry. I won't deny that I'm on that time of the month for women and I just got hit in the face with a soccer ball. But it has to do with a guy this time.
I'm able to attract many guys to me. Because I'm not your typical girl. I make ridiculous comments and get them to laugh. I can always be a guys best friend but never his girlfriend.
Yet with this one guy I'm fighting for him. I want him to know that I will fight for a relationship if he'll do the same. But now it seems like he's just walking away afraid not wanting to be around me.
I think about my ex from Australia. He made me feel loved while he was here. And I thought I could see myself being with him forever. Then when he just wanted me for sex and not a real marriage I ended it. You see I want marriage, heck I won't deny it I want sex but I want it in a marriage. Especially since I get a little crazy before that time of the month to have sex and well that means babies.
But I'm getting off topic. YOU SEE I'M SUCH A CRAZY GIRL!! Ugh, ok I just want to know why he's stepping back from me AGAIN! Why doesn't he just tell me?? Maybe it's something I can change. Why is it that I just am scared of losing him?
You know the band above who sings that song posted on here I LOVE!!! Hollywood Undead just always had music that I love, and music that always healed me. Of course before them was 3 Days Grace. Who sadly had their lead singer Adam Gontier leave. So it will be interesting to hear their music without him.
Music saves me in so many ways. Now time for a tiny personal story. There is a pretty big reason why I hate country music. One day when I was walking home several guys surrounded me and dragged me to the alley behind my house. They blared loud country music as they tried to force me to give them sex. I fought and struggled and then my dog found a way to get out of the backyard. And he attacked the guys. They fled leaving their bags. When my dog came back I just held him and cried.
You see my hatred for my body and my looks started then. But my dog came to my rescue I then took the bags and threw them into the trash can at the high school across from my house. My dog from then on wanted to stay outside more often then not while my mother was at work. I think it did it so he could come to save me when I'd need him.
I believe in this guy that he doesn't even just see my body, but he sees me. He doesn't know much about me and he won't now much if he doesn't want to continue being with me. Sigh, ok I need to stop and just be like whatever if he does then great if not then yeah I'm tired of trying to get him. But dang I never cried so much over a guy. I actually NEVER cried over a guy before him. He was the first. Crap he stole my heart without me looking. Oh well.
And if you think you know who I'm talking about think again. I'm talking about the guy who hit me in the face with a soccer ball!!!! :D anyways good night.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Hey all, so I'm super sorry that I haven't been keeping up on this blog but a lot has been going on. Ok first off I want to explain something so that guy that I was dating finally opened up. Too bad it was after I had considered ourselves broken up the difference for him from all the other guys I had dated. I felt like I needed to give him the chance to talk. One of the biggest things I believe is that you need to hear the other person's story before you judge them. So we met up for some hot chocolate. After he tried to put his arm around me I shrugged it off and made the remark that he was brave to think I wasn't hurt but his text. Or something like that. After which he remembered why he had called me to meet up with him. He apologized and after which we talked. We talked about fears, we talked about hopes, and we talked about love. Yup, he finally said the big phrase to me. He explained so many things to me. Now I'm grateful that we are talking, but for me the love I once had for him will take a little while to bring back. I mean he hurt me so much with that text. But I always pray about these things. I always ask Heavenly Father for guidance. He guided me with this relationship. I'm willing to work hard to keep this relationship going but in the end the guy I'm now dating for real will have to put forth the same effort. Else he will probably lose me for good. I hope everything works out but I can't say that for sure. Of course dreams of marriage and such kind of are standard for us girls. So I have been playing me some Mass Effect to swoon and sigh over Garrus and Thane. LOL But if I start to feel like I need some romance boost with characters just saying the right things to you I just go straight for this game. Anyways I will see what happens and write more to help you all. I really want to state that this wasn't my foolish heart wanting him back, it was inspiration from Heavenly Father. He really kept me calm the whole time we talked and He gave me all that I needed to say. In the end Heavenly Father has something up His sleeve for the two of us. A great big lesson. lol KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!
Have you ever just felt like you needed to just change most everything about yourself in order to get over things??
Well either tomorrow or Sunday I will be dying half my hair a vivid blonde leaving the black dye left on the bottom strands alone. Now why am I doing such a BIG change? Well I'm so tired of me just feeling like with me waiting for my hair to become it's natural brown is like me waiting for that guy I was dating to come back. I need to let it all go and just go back to who I am. This will be a fun change too, especially since I've ALWAYS wanted to split my hair into two different colors before. :3
Anyways I was awoken with the feeling that I needed to send a text to that guy I was dating and tell him that I just wanted to stay friends but if not even that then I'd never talk to him ever again. Even in public. Now why would I tell him that? Well you see this guy pushed things too quickly and then he breaks it off just as quickly. I don't want him to come back at me for a relationship.
I'm just so done with me being the only one working to make some relationship work. And I'm even more done with what the world is telling you guys to do. It's so hard to try and keep your values while others don't. He hurt and destroyed so much of me that I don't want to ever fall for him ever again. I should've pushed him away the first time I felt like I needed to break up. Ugh, anyways.
So yeah I think my changing my hair will help and make a HUGE difference for me and give me the chance to just change. Now I'm not sure why changing ones hair color makes such a huge difference but it does. I can't wait and I know I'm gonna love it and what I can't wait for more is the chance to find my freaking xbox 360 controller. Seriously I'm a girl who is trying to get her head on straight and I can't do that without Batman. Darn it. Anyways....
His hand gently held her face. Tears in his eyes, as he looked at her. Her eyes were flooding with tears as they shared a very tender moment together. He gently wiped away her tears before kissing her and sending her on her way. Marissa looked up from her couch. Her xbox controller held loosely in her hands. Her eyes were wet and she skipped through the games stats getting into another round of zombie shooting. 'He meant so much to me. And before he had done that he was only just a great friend. But after that my heart was stolen by him,' thought Marissa bitterly as she hid to quickly heal, 'I can't believe that was only a week ago. And now here we are. Officially over and done, all because I had actually fallen in love. Idiot.' Marissa sighed as her character got eaten by the zombies. She heard the doorbell ring. "Good thing pizza's here," she said standing grabbing her wallet. She opened the door to the pizza man whose back was turned. "Hey." "Oh sorry about-" When the pizza guy turned around Marissa and him stared at each other. "Oh my, is that you Darren?" "Hey, Marissa right? Wow, what a coincidence meeting you here." "Wait I thought you were a construction worker?" Marissa asked handing him the twenty while taking her large pepperoni. "I do that as well, yeah," said Darren pocketing the money, "I just do this to help my brother. He made this pizza place so I help him with deliveries when staff are short." "Oh well that's sweet." "Yeah, hey um, I need to deliver some more pizza's but I wanted to ask. Would you like to go with me to the park tomorrow and walk my dog?" Marissa smiled, "Yes I'd like to do that very much." "Awesome then I'll text you tomorrow the time." "Ok I'll be waiting." With that Darren hurried down her apartments corridor. Marissa closed the door opening her pizza up and taking a slice out. Hey all. So are you all doing well? Me I'm doing pretty darn good. Just slowly fixing a broken and confused heart but hey that's life right? Anyways for good news I found my xbox TV cables!! YAY!!! So now all I need to do is find or buy a controller. I think I might know where my controller is but I don't know for sure. :/ I'm hoping to find it soon so I can enjoy some more BATMAN!!! :D Anyways I just have been writing this even though I would've made it less romantic. I'm in a very crummy mood towards relationships. I just don't want to deal with any. I'm good with staying single. So anyways I hope you enjoy and more to come tomorrow. :)
"I'm done." Marissa was looking her boyfriend in the eye. And she saw the fire the flooded his eyes at what she had just said. He took a hand and ran it through his short golden brown hair. "So you want to break up? I don't think we were ever dating." Marissa froze her eyes widen at the sting the words had just sent to her heart. She closed her eyes tight telling her tears to hold back. After letting out a soft laugh she looked back up at him. Her vision blurred by the tears. "Oh, yeah I forgot. You were too busy dating other girls that I just wasn't important. I'm such an idiot. Should've dumped you that first night I felt like doing so," said Marissa as her smile grew despite the flood of tears. She stepped back before spitting near his shoes and walking away. This night he wouldn't chase after her and that was fine. Her heart needed a break. She took off running slipping her high heels off as she went before running as fast as she could to the local arcade. Marissa pushed the door open and sighed. She found the zombie shooting arcade game and took out her coin purse. She inserted two quarters grabbing one of the guns readying her self for the game to begin. Zombies came at her as she quickly shot them down. She felt her aim getting better and better before she saw another person joining her. He was a tall man with black hair that scattered into his honey colored eyes. He was laughing before he saw her looking at him. "Look out!" Marissa jumped before she looked back at the screen seeing him shoot down the zombies heading right for her. "Wow, thanks!" Marissa smiled big before she laughed with him. They chased down the rest of the zombies reaching the final boss. "Ok I think we need to just have you start first and once you get to your fifth shot I will join that way while you're reloading I can keep shooting and then you can join back and I can reload. Deal?" Marissa laughed saying yes as the stranger got ready. The strategy worked perfectly and before they knew the boss was taken down. "Yes!" Marissa cheered before the stranger gave her a high five and chest bump. She kept laughing feeling better now to have found someone who could make her time more fun. "You're really good. The names Darren, what's your name?" "Hah, I'm Marissa," she turned to him smiling, "Nice to meet you Darren. You just made this day turn into a great one." "Well hey, do you have to leave soon?" Darren asked looking at Marissa with a smile. "Well no I guess not." "How about we go get some sushi? My treat," said Darren waving his wallet. "Ha ha, ok sure let's go," said Marissa grabbing her purse and walking with Darren to the sushi bar. The got their two seats and made their order. "So what do you do for a living?" Marissa asked looking over at Darren. "Oh, I build houses." "Oh that's cool." "Yeah I like it. How about you what do you do?" Marissa sat there thinking for a bit. She didn't really have a said job her job mostly was her writing her blog and working on finishing her second book. "I'm a writer you might say." "Now that's cool. What do you write about?" Darren had leaned forward one arm resting on the table. "Oh, namely romance silly things like that." "That's not silly," Darren said before sitting back as their order came in, "What would be silly is writing about a black goop taking over the world. Oh wait-" Marissa busted up laughing with Darren joining in. The rest of the evening the spent teasing and joking around. Each one getting the other to laugh harder and harder. And before Marissa knew it she needed to go home. "Thank you again so much," said Marissa as Darren walked her to her car. "No problem." "Could I get your number so we can hang out again?" "Sure it's xxx-xxxx, with 775 as the area code," Darren said as Marissa typed it onto her phone. "Thanks again," Marissa said once more before she gave him a hug. They bid farewell and Marissa drove off. But while she continued driving her heart stung as her mind thought about her Ex. Hey there reader, now this isn't going to be anything AMAZING!! These bits of a story are only the first drafts so that they don't hold what a real story of mine would. Most books I write have about 7 drafts before I call it good. So forgive this is a first draft but that makes it a little special. Anyways I'm just super confused is all. There is just such confusion going on in my life that I have no idea what to do. First off I am single, and I really always have been. The guy that I was dating blamed me for many things, read my first blog of 2013 to understand. Now first off I now that I may have thought oh, we are dating. But I didn't tell anyone heysa wesa boysafriend and girlsafriend. No I just would say to those inviting me to activities on a night that we were going out that I had a date. But whatever. I also stopped myself from thinking bad things about my body. First off I will not deny the fact that I have a super model body, all of it being natural. I know that I have a very sexy body that turns many guys on and I accept this body and will not change it. So I'm accepting myself in full. KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!
This song when I heard it made me feel so much better. Anyways I ended up ending 2012 on a BANG!!! Oh yeah. So since me and that guy I was talking about where on break I enjoyed my time with all my guy friends. I went over to a friends house for some yummy steak then he gave me a ride to the awesome New Years Eve party. Then while I was there me and many of my guy friends jammed out to Guitar Hero then shot some zombies. Then I got to dance the night away with the rest of my awesome guy friends. The night was perfect and I finally just accepted how I can just fit in with the guys. I love that because so many people just stare at me as I talk about things they don't get.
But then I got home and received a wonderful text message at 1:00 a.m. 2013 from the guy whom I had accepted what he asked which was to not date anymore. He blamed me for something that he had done. You see this guy kissed me at a Halloween party, and people saw. Now I know that in many European countries kissing can be done among friends. Well here in America kissing means you're interested in the person, more then "just friends." So I didn't spread anything I told a few friends, duh I'm a girl that's what we do. But other then that I didn't go around being like, "HEY WORLD WE'RE DATING!!!" FML, but whatever I'm moving past him.
The one thing I find sad is this, I'm otherwise not good enough for the guys or the guys think that I'm TOO good for them. HELLO I am just a regular and normal girl. I make mistakes and sometimes I'm very weird. But in the end I am who I am.
So when a guy finally looks at me and goes, "Hey this girl is beautiful, LOVES Batman, is a fun videogamer who laughs her head off, and just wants to make me happy. I want to be with her." That will be amazing and awesome, but I'm just gonna kick it being single. Whatever to guys thinking like that being like, "Oh she's not good enough, or oh she's too good for me." Get real. I'd laugh if I was too good for someone. Anyways I'm gonna rock 2013!! Gonna show the world what I'm like and kick it!!!
