Have you ever decided to just be someone else?

Heck yeah I have. Batman, well actually Batgirl or Catwoman. Cause well they hook up with two of the cutest guys ever.

Um yeah they are both yummy. So off of that subject for now. I've been dealing with a lot but I've been counting my blessings. So the xbox 360 finally showed the dreaded ROD or as many who are not gamers would know it as the ring of death or red ring of death. Basically Microsoft didn't add some essential components to the xbox's hard drive so it over heats very easily and can basically destroy the hard drive. And guys if I am wrong I am a gaming nerd and not really a hard tech nerd. Sorry.

But anyways my heart plummeted and I just was so mad. You see videogames help me relieve stress especially where I live. Now I know it was bound to happen and getting upset was silly. But dude, I've gotten to play Batman Arkham series, how could I not love the console. So now I'm trying to figure out how to fix this problem.

But I stopped being really upset when I realized well the next Arkham game will be on the xbox One. so basically meaning the 360 was going out. But I am just gonna do more to relieve stress. I've been watching some wicked awesome music videos on YouTube. I've found some more anime on YouTube and I've just been feeling better. On top of that I now have a pretty good excuse to hang with a guy I found who loves Batman as much as me. Maybe even getting one of the other guys to invite me over for some gaming!

Lol well guys I want to be around...Sigh, so well that guy that I was willing to keep trying to date yeah he's gone. I've not heard from him and I think I know why. I won't say much more but he has so much going on. But there has always been a lot of guys whom I would love to date and have decided to take some cues from the girls I admire in comic books.

I may not be very open and if you read my previous posts you'll know why. But I'm gonna try, something simple you know like.......Ok I'm terrible at flirting. I just remembered I've used the whole, "Hey, you're really cute." and .......nothing!

Well I guess what was I expecting. Ok I was expecting a small crooked smile a little oh yeah. Then a simple well how about we get some dinner and chit chat more this Friday. Yup I live in wonderland or as I call it Batland! But yeah I have an idea for what I think is the well, perfect guy, basically someone from a book.

Anyways I've just realized I need to breathe more, that everything will be ok. I have no clue how but things will work out. I'll have the chance to earn more money so maybe I'll sell my games, recycle the console and save enough to buy a brand new Alien gaming desktop computer! HAHAHA!! Yeah you know join the "master" race. :P

But anyways I've just learned this, yeah I've lost the one thing that was helping me the most to lose a lot of stress. And yes I'm a creepy girl who knows that whatever guy decides to date me is definitely Batman. :P I'm just being me and accepting what I think and feel. So there. Anyways that's my whole shpeel. Good Night.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!

We All Need Someone On Our Side

"SHUT UP!"
The whole family looked at the new husband in the group. He looked at the rest glaring at them. His wife looked up at him with tears on the edge.
"Where do you get off on being like this?" He snarled looking at each one, "What has my wife done to make you so mad? Don't you get she said those things in love!?"
"YOU-"
"NO YOU! We're leaving for now," he said grabbing his and his wife's coat, "We'll see if we'll stay longer tomorrow. For now, good night."
He then gently helped his wife up and pulled her to the door. He made sure it closed very loud. Before helping his wife into the car. He then started the car and drove off going to an abandoned building where they sat in the now quite car.
He felt it in his body the sorrow and anger. He felt soft fingers brush his cheek. He looked at his wife before kissing her.

I never really thought about how lonely one could be while being surrounded by people. But I do remember it from my other room mates. You see a lot of people hate me I'm not very well liked. And those who do like me always surprise me since I'm blunt in how I feel and what I think.
It's why many of you my friends may notice I never talk about my belief because well they get hated real fast. Anyways I'm use to people hating me, after all I was bullied for so long that it just became the norm that I would not be liked by others.
But when I feel like there is no one on my side it becomes very hard. I always drown myself in what I love, videogames, manga and comics, anime, and so much more. I've learned this much I have to give up on trying to find someone on my side who will be there when I need them. More often then not I just have to bow my head and bite my tongue.
When it was brought up that I don't share my true emotions I just knew it was right. Why do I not share my emotions? Because whenever I did as a child they were attacked. I hated that what I felt was taken to be of no worth. I was always told suck it up! So that's what I did now no one will know of my emotions.
It's probably why no guy is in my life. They're all afraid because I seem so dark and closed off. Or maybe I'm just lame.
Emotions are the most fragile, heck my bones take more work to break then my emotions. I always was told that I have to think of others, so much so that I deemed my emotions or feelings to not be anyones business. Yet I still want someone to come in and learn about them. Like the times when I'm in physical pain to just be able to tell someone I hurt.
More often than not I hide the pain away as best I can, pretending that I don't feel anything.
When in reality I just want to be held in someones arms cradled in comfort and protection. I never got that, now that I think and remember so much. I never had someone hold me tight say it will be ok that they are aware of me. No instead I was left to deal with the pain alone. What do you expect from someone who never got comfort.
I've never had a reason to lean on anyone because no one has ever been there. I fought alone and now I'm tired of it, I'm out numbered a lot and most often I just want to be alone. I guess the big thing is that I still believe there has to be someone on my side. I guess that's why I think of Batman because even though he isn't real he's always there for me in my greatest need.
I feel hopeless and more often than not I just give up on even trying to give out my true feelings. Right now as I've been writing this I've been fighting off the pain I've been having with wisdom teeth that have finally decided that they need to finish coming in now. I don't have anyone who cares, my recent room mates would always say how they have it worse from me.
I get it others do have it worse then me but please don't say that when I tell you that I'm not feeling well. Instead ask if I need something or suggest ideas that might help. I feel like we all need to do that. So just think about the other person before you step on them.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is water.

I challenge you all to do this one simple thing. When you go shopping the next time gather three grocery carts and put them where they belong. Let's start to make others loads a little lighter. :)

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Let Me Play Till I'm Broken Tees by REa11y
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One of the most frustrating things about this life is what others say to you. We also say words don't have power unless you give them, but whether you give the words power or not doesn't mean they don't ruin lives. I think back to the guy who treated me like I was worthless.
I met his brother and the first thing that happened was my heart went into panic mode. This was his brother not him, but the smell of cologne was the same and his face was the same. All my mind and body did was scream run! 
Recently I learned that I always kept how I felt locked up and hidden away. That normally I may give the reflection of what I think the other wants but never what I want. I've always ignored my feelings, and maybe because of that I missed out on having a husband because so many guys I pass onto my friends.
I don't care, or so I say. But because I feel the guys could never really like me I just want them to be with someone they feel they can be with. So where did this all come from?
As a kid I was always told to stop being selfish when I'd mention how I felt. I quickly swallowed up my feelings the most during my young age of 10. I was bullied while my mother was still in the hospital but when I brought it up to those who were watching me they'd say, "Grow up and get real who'd bully in this town?"
I kept everything closed off to myself. I didn't want to be told anymore how what I was saying didn't matter. Or that I needed to just grow up or stop being selfish. I felt like my emotions never mattered.
Whenever there was a fight started I would walk off and watch some TV luckily the shows that were on usually were Courage the Cowardly Dog, Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy, and Batman the Animated Series.
I could close myself off and just not share my frustration and feelings and just could keep my self safe. I've never really escaped that kind of life. I do it even to this day but I also rarely show any emotion. But I've learned that I can't keep this up forever I need someone to finally set this locked up heart free. Who will that be? I don't know but when I'm watching Batman or playing his games I feel so excited and uplifted. I feel like everything changes when I can just be around Batman, I guess because in a lot of ways he does the same thing.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this. Unless if someone is a drama queen take what the share seriously. Don't be little any ones feelings be understanding and comforting.
And most important know that your words have power. Oh just one more then I'll end it. When I was dating that guy and I was trying to ask for help to end the relationship with him, no one heard me. When I'd bring up the worry I'd have the most common thing said was, "You complain too much."
I stopped and that was when he finally tore me, I wish someone would've listened and said, "We're gonna help you dump him." But no one understands me and I don't know who will. But when someone does I will be so happy.
We all need that someone I know it. Please don't ever give up on someone being able to get you. They'll come in their own time. You're worthwhile!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Otome games are saving my little heart from further hurt.

http://www.sakevisual.com/realistair/
I closed my eyes and just slipped away. The soul numbing darkness was sweet but so bitter. I fell into it letting the pain take me away. I then received a message from one of my friends from out of the States. He asked me how I was doing and sent me the link above. He also told me about this Korean clothing store were I could buy some good and cute snow boots.
When I downloaded the game (yes risking my computer) I was filled with hope. You see for so long I've been used and hurt by men, and every time I wish one of my guy friends would ask me out they don't.
I feel so worthless and of no use, that they all are judging me for being stubborn in wanting to do what I want to do. The game is a dating sim game. And it is so good for being free there are many others but this one is safe and I want you to know about it. I did not create it, I was just introduced to it by my way cool friend.
Sometimes I wish I was able to live somewhere else. I feel like nothing really will change where I'm at right now. And that's all because I just am banging my head against the wall.
As many of you read I can get very depressed, my depression is like many others and I won't say it's unique. But I always fight against it because it just isn't me. The me I love is a book, video game, manga, anime, rock, and shoe loving girl. I look for the good and I stand up for the weak, even when it means the bullying is turned on me again.
I may not be the brightest but I am always open to learning more and don't use the internet for my reference of knowledge. I can dance and have fun doing it. I love to sing and even though no one else likes my singing voice, it puts babies to sleep.
I love animals and can't hate any of them even when they decide I'm a good place to go pee. I can't judge so I have many friends of different cultures, belief, and race.
But more often then not I feel alone, I only have imaginary friends whom I talk to all the time. Whenever I need them they come. In my darkest times I can't seem to just pull out, at least not without their help. I have many of them and three of them are Frankenstein, Wolf Man, and Dracula.
I feel when we have no one in real life to lean on we have to have something else.
Now don't you agree? Maybe you don't believe in the "imaginary" but this life then would be a waste. If I didn't believe in the impossible I'd have been dead a long time ago. Or throwing my body around like so many men say I do.
I feel like you need an escape and for me the Otome games do that. So yeah give the game a try if I find any others and they say it's all good to share them I will share them. :)
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Beautiful Poster by azure_iolite
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The black pit

The Riddler & Logo Green Hooded Pullover by batman
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Batman Crouching Hooded Pullovers by batman
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I guess I should've given up a LONG time ago. I clearly can't live a life, I'm incapable of taking care of myself. Yeah those are my real feelings. I have fought and struggled to prove one things, that I'm not stupid and that I do have the education I got in school. But in the end I feel like it was all for not. I've been stuck in my darkest thoughts.
My thoughts are my greatest friends and worst enemies. When I'm just stuck at home I get consumed. But here is why it's worse. When I was ten I couldn't cry because well let's just say there was very special circumstances for me to not be able to shed a tear.
And I'm back in those circumstances again. I cry under my covers into my pillow as I drown myself in songs. I just try to overcome the tears and the pain. The very real gaping pain stuck in my heart. I can't escape this kind of darkness I've had my whole life. It is a part of me and who I am. I've just learned to accept it more and be ok with it.
It's who I am, but I feel it digging me more and more when I can't just break down out in full cries. When it was just me and my mom just being able to cry was good. But now I just don't do it and it's all because I can't.
My friends they look at me and see someone so strong, I'm not I just trained myself to not show real emotion. And I must apologize to the guys I've dated before I know I didn't really show my real self. I'm a dark person, what I love and what I feel is dark but it is all my safe haven. I need them to feel at points and to pull out.
You see what I say is dark is my love of monsters, vampires being romantic. I daydream a lot and I dream of deep romances with my imaginary friends. I have a large group of people who protect me and keep me safe.
Now why do I have imaginary people who I act as if they're real? Well I never had a friend who would just check up on me all the time to see if I was ok. Just to see if I was surviving. Remember the last post I like to self harm when I'm in the black pit. It's a common thing, but I do it not to cry for help but to prove to myself I need to be punished.
I get into my black pit and I feel like I am deserving of punishment, that I need to be beaten up and left in the road. I guess it stems from my bullying. But thanks to my imaginary friends they always come to my aid and save me. I try so very hard to not drown in the black pit but it appears. 
Many of you might think medication would be good for me, but really I can't take it, allergies and just the fact that I've found my own med's. Whenever I just let myself drift to the other worlds I can feel the love I need in that moment. I can feel the reason to be strong and to just keep getting up everyday.
We all suffer some kind of black pit. And for a lot of us it's very deep and it keeps eating us. Joker is a  prime example of just continuing to sink into a black pit. He went insane and decided he needed to be punished and to have that happen he does crazy stuff. His hope is to finally be killed, but the one who doesn't is Batman. Why because Batman knows we can all climb out of our black pits.
That black pit doesn't need to hold you, you can still pull yourself out and escape! You can imagine friends and feel their warmth. I know we all can have an exit it doesn't have to be just a feeling of no escape. Part of me always wonders how I can even THINK I can be successful without the degree. But I know I have the education, I just hope to prove that to someone else.
We'll all have to make the choice, fall down and cry, or get up and feel the ones who love you love.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Joker Cackles 2 Hooded Pullovers by batman
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You're useless(full), always and forever.

Want to know what's the best about living with ______? They look down on you. So I've never had a good enough job. So automatically I can't do anything right and I'm stupid and dumb and everything I do is not helpful and I will always be a burden.
During that time I sunk back into a very dark place in my mind and heart. It's a place where self pain doesn't hurt and where I want others to hurt me. I basically become very Joker like. When I was ten I went to this dark place. You see for me I've always had this dark place to disappear to so I don't ever have to deal with people and the world. But many times it makes me want to just die.
When so many are saying all the reasons why I am a burden and they explain how I am failing and how I just can't help...Well what would you expect me to think. At the age of ten I experienced this a lot. My father while he was alive and with me kept reminding me that my strength was a help. Then it happened, he died.
I didn't cry at his funeral and my ____ said cruel things to me followed by my ______. Then my guinea pig died, and my one _______ said something I would never forget. "YOU NEVER LOVED HIM! YOUR HEART IS BLACK AND COLD!"
A black and cold heart? Yeah that describes me very well, I don't have much left of the torn heart in my chest. I keep trying to keep it alive and well but when that's all I hear it hurts. Now I haven't gone so far to feel like death is an exit but instead I've turned back to my writing and dag nab it all I'm gonna get published.
You see it's fine, my _______ can stare at me and say cruel hurtful things to me. Whatever I'll take it and you know what I'll accept it as a part of me. Because after all the men with black hearts are hot. I'm always looked at as being insane and that I am the one causing problems in my _______.
I also know that is thought of because of my fathers past. But you know what the past doesn't define who you are now! I think though I'll stay insane and stay with my new book characters. I need their love since no one in my house loves me, maybe a little love from the cat who I saved. But he's insane just like me so we fit together.
I guess what I'm trying to say is if you've ever been called cold hearted or that you have a black heart, smile and say, "you got that right, JERK!" You're not less for being that way in fact you might be more because you actually care about others.
You just have a wall that stops many from getting to far in. Anyways I will end this blog, don't worry I really have not had the thought of death since I was 11. I've thought of running away and living in the wild, but death just doesn't sound fun. So no matter what....
KEEP BELIEVING IN YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just free falling into your fate.

FATE!
HAhahahahahahahahaha.......good one.
To be honest though I've realized how little we are in control of our lives. Kind of frustrating correct? But have you noticed how we literally live in a book, video game, or movie? What do I mean by that?
Well you don't get to have things work the way you want all the time. More often than not things happen to you day after day and they stretch you to your limits making you want to break. Have you noticed that for the characters in books and other entertainment have you ever thought about how often they just want to give up and crawl away?
I noticed it and realized how much they inspire us day after day to keep trying. In the newest game I got of the Arkham series, Batman finds Alfred near death. After he revives him and is left to decide to go back out there and make a difference or to hang his cape up? In the end he chooses to make a difference all though he knows it could end in sorrow and pain.
I've realized this is why we love books we see in them how things will work out. But in our own lives we can't.
I've decided that it's time I let go. I've been struggling with my parachute as I've been free falling through life. I've learned I need to let go and let myself fall through the life the way that I need to go through. I'll do what I need to but I'm just gonna enjoy the fall for now.
Reminds me of Joker falling off a building and being saved by Batman. I'll wait for my Batman to come and save me too as I fall. So let yourself free fall and stop trying to make your life be "perfect" just enjoy it for it is.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!

I'm stuck in a mode where the past keeps coming back.

Many of you probably sit there nodding your heads and relating to the pain of being bullied and beaten down. But whenever someone tells me about being bullied in school I always wish that was me. People always find me weird for saying that, but my bullying was my whole town. Yes that included the police. I never got a break. When I finally moved to the "big" city I thought it would change. And to an extent it did, but I've discovered things don't change that easily.
I still have many around me who love me and care but I've notice more of those who when I need help choose to turn it down. Now I get things happening but when someone REALLY needs you, you should jump into action. I don't know why but my cars Serpentine Belt got shredded while I was nearly home. I couldn't believe it and immediately I fell on my knees and cried. I'm still crying, you see I've never gotten a break on being tried. I get an amazing job next thing I know the item I need the most gets a big problem. I wanted to crash down and just disappear. I wanted to just leave be done.
And yet it just isn't in me to give up. I cry a lot and not a single soul around to just hold me when I'm in so much pain. I've gotten use to keeping my pain to myself and just keep a positive outlook for the sake of others, but I noticed people then begin to think I don't need any help or anything. I finally just have a melt down. There was once upon a time a guy from Australia who would hold me as I'd cry and say how strong I was in that moment.
In that moment I realized how no matter how strong someone seems they always need some love from someone. I don't know what will happen but I do know I'm not giving up even if it means saying good-bye to my most favorite and wonderful job ever and moving back to the town that once hated me. I just know this before all that I'm buying lots of Xbox360 games and a new Xbox360, thanks to Xbox One for dropping the price on the old consoles. :) Hey one blessing for the day. :P
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13 Days of Halloween Song

On the first day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
a dead man hung in a tree.
On the second day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
two blinking eye balls,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the third day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eye balls,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the fourth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the fifth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats, 
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the sixth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the seventh day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the eighth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the ninth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
nine dead zombies,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the tenth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
ten blood sucking vampires,
nine dead zombies,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rates,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the eleventh day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
eleven swamp men,
ten blood sucking vampires,
nine dead zombies,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumpings witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the twelfth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
twelve laughing ghosts,
eleven swamp men,
ten blood sucking vampires,
nine dead zombies,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree.
On the thirteenth day of Halloween my true dead man gave to me,
Thirteen meowing black cats,
twelve laughing ghosts,
eleven swamp men,
ten blood sucking vampires,
nine dead zombies,
eight scary skeletons,
seven jumping witches,
six crawling rats,
five chuckling goblins,
four flying bats,
three barking werewolves,
two blinking eyeballs,
and a dead man hung in a tree!
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!!

What's the PERFECT image of a human being?

I had something interesting happen. I was told by a guy how if I wanted to get a boyfriend/husband I need to grow my hair out. But I hate having long hair. I always loved having short hair, probably due to my cutting my hair when I was very little. But it just hurt so much to have a guy tell me that.
So of course for a long time I kept my hair and didn't cut it but I didn't love it either I really wanted to cut my hair and so I did.
Have you ever felt looked down on? I'm gonna explain how society now a days views men and women. What you are told you have to be in order to be beautiful. For the two you have to have a flat stomach with high sex appeal.

• Now for the list of men:
• You can not have medium length hair you HAVE to have long or short. If your hair is curly get it fixed, and if your hair is long and curly straighten it or make it into waves.
• You can have hair on your chest, forearms, legs, and half way down your neck.
• You MUST have abs, and sharp chin and jaw.
• Your eyes need to be soul full with thick well defined eyebrows.
• Your hands need to be rough and large.
• Now for the list of women:
• You HAVE to have long hair that is at least to your mid back. It has to be perfect, curled, wavy, or straight. No frizz, flyaways, or leaving your hair natural.
• You need to have no hair anywhere but on your thin well defined eyebrows, long full eyelashes, and your head. Anywhere else and you are disgusting.
• You have to have perfectly shaped legs and arms, with small feet and hands that all are soft and smooth.
• You have to have a small nose, full lips, and doe like eyes.
• Your body needs to be an hourglass shape with a perfect shape.

Sounds depressing right? You're basically being told this by magazines, TV, movies, and music. You're not beautiful or worthwhile if you're not that. Let me share an interesting fact for you. THIS IS ONLY A PHASE!!!
Many of you know about Leonardo Da Vinci's Mona Lisa correct? This painting many may not notice but she has no eyebrows. Don't believe me take a look.
There has been the style of overalls, bangs going straight up, belly shirts, on and on. So have I made my point? What you should only look for in another is health and kindness, what you get physically should never matter.
Be a voice and state this, "No matter what anyone says to me I am unique and beautiful. A person who someone finds truly stunning."
KEEP BELIEVING YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!

Superhero Hope

One of the things I have realized is how we as people have forgotten to be kind to each other. Have you ever just stopped and seen how people will say things just cause they think they're funny? But really they are belittling someone for the whole purpose of being "funny." But when it comes to someone doing the same to them they flip out and claim being offended.
I was made fun of for dressing up as the Joker for the special event called Superhero Hope. Superhero Hope was an event I did for the sole purpose of helping others dressed up in costumes. All though it may seem silly it is lots of fun and plenty of people get a big smile. I luckily don't care about being judged by others. Learned to stop caring the first time I was bullied.
But it surprised me how easily others could make such cruel jokes about me, and not care? I feel as humans we have lost the one thing we all thrive on being kind and loving each other with out a care of who or what you are. I feel we need to call it quits in all these fights and wars they aren't helping and all I see is families and friends being torn apart.
I challenge you to go out and give service in your town. I guarantee if you do that then there will be change.
I will post a picture soon of me in my costume till then.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry for the long wait.

You ever have that chance to date and then as soon as you try to go out with the guy your gut twists in pain and you feel sick? Want to know what's even more fun? When you finally realize you're just gonna be single for several long years.
Now what do I mean by that? Well I realized it while trying to get over my anxiety to date this guy. He simply choose trying to date me just wasn't a option. Of course at first he was pretty dead set on dating me but after another meet up and talking he just realized waiting for me to be comfortable with him wasn't worth it. And I don't blame him, to be honest I had come to the conclusion that I would need to end it soon. 
Now I'm single and I've learned one big thing, to love it! Sometimes especially in my church, it is such a pushed upon idea of  if you're single you're miserable. Well to be honest every time I was in a relationship was the time I was miserable. Especially now. You see it's been months sent my previous relationship.
If you want to know what happened go and read the earlier posts. Anyways, with what he had done to me my mind and body feared men. Now mind you these were just men I have no idea about, or even guys texting me saying how they want to make out.
I am comfortable around my best guy friends, they make me smile and laugh and I just enjoy their company. Why? Because I've been alone with them in a room and not once have they betrayed my trust. Now maybe they just don't care about me romantically (that's the fancy term) but still.
So why have I determined being single is better for me? Because I'm relaxed and happy with myself. I don't care about having to have someone in my life. If a guy gets brave and becomes like Batman and then asks me out, good on him. 
Until then no guy wants to do that, they don't want to get to know me as a friend first or even wait for my anxiety to be over come well anyways it doesn't matter.
I'm gonna stay the video gaming, batman loving, goofball of a girl. I love me!
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Having a broken heart doesn't mean there is no healing.

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Many times in my writing I just want to switch places with my book characters. Or even when I'm reading a book or playing a video game, I just want to be the character.
Why?
For one simple reason I know they get a good ending. But for me I don't know. Last night I talked to a friend and recalled some terrifying experiences in my life. I sat there wondering how have I made it this far? I also realised I haven't reached my end and I feel so torn down and done.
I've been struggling against my own physical well being and thoughts on dating. I was asked out and felt like, yeah, I can date, no problem. I couldn't as soon as I got there my stomach went on an attack. My throat closed up and I just stayed far from him. I then made up an excuse on why I had to leave early. Once I got into my favorite store (Hot Topic) I had a small break down, while listening to one of the songs playing in the store. 

I felt like I was fighting a never ending battle financially, and now I realized the terrible things that previous boy had done to me had scarred me. I was afraid of men, I didn't want to be around any men. Not after being hurt and ruined by them so many times before. I have been hit by men, I've been told that I'm only wanted for sex, and now to the list I was sexually assaulted by one.
My fear hit me as a very real and festering wound. My heart hurt and I just wanted to crawl away and just never live among humans again.
I was done and was weary. But there was a part that shouted I want to be held by a man for once, just one man who will hold me close and just do everything in his power to protect me. A man who will heal this shattered heart that has been struggling for so long.
I apparently have been a symbol of strength for my friends. But I am the weakest one out of them all. I had finally reached that point where I hated my life and myself.
I then was invited to a 14 day Energy Healing course. I did it and started to turn my whole life around. I got a dog walking job the best part they listen to me and after each walk the dogs give me a kiss. Kind of their way to say we care. I have started down a path of healing. It will take some time but it has begun.
I guess in the end I just want you all to know that no matter what happens in your life you can find healing. I've gone back to my first music genre that I loved, rock. The music has been very healing.
I will still fall and shatter. And I have to take time with the whole dating thing. I have to see what the other guy is really like just as friends before I can even evoke the thought of dating.
I'm gonna tell the guy don't worry, but I have to watch out for myself because I've realised I can't take anymore heart breaks.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The image of a perfect woman?

Right, so I bet many of you heard of fitspo. Well I also have friends who post many times on my Facebook about being fit. I have blocked it since all it does is tear me down. Now let me explain why.
When I was in the crucial point of growing, I was involved in a bad car crash. My right ankle was shattered and my whole leg was fractured up to my hip. My left ankle and leg up to my knee where fractured. Because of that the growth hormones went to my legs producing extra muscle and bone to strengthen what was broken. Also I didn't know but there were lacerations on my liver and pancreas so those were needing to be healed.
So in the end my legs just had an over abundance of muscles. So when I see pictures like this one:

I feel like I'm not beautiful. CLEARLY if I don't have a gap between my thighs then I'm very ugly and not worthwhile for any guy. I mean clearly you need to have all of these 

if you want to be the PERFECT woman right? WRONG!!!!!!

Because obviously the women above are not beautiful at all. No that's just ugly. Oh let me share one of my pictures of me.

Yeah that's me. Right I'm ugly because what we have as the image of women is how I should be. Please don't EVER believe that! It is not true and is so stupid that so many people say that it is the perfect woman. First off only be healthy, being healthy does not mean your body will look like that, what it means is your health will be better, you'll have better sleep, and stamina for the day.

Second play this song if you ever feel down. Mika is a hero for doing this song. 

And most of all Believe in your own beauty. No image can capture your true worth.

KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!

(All pictures are copyrighted to their owners. Except for the picture of me, that's mine. :P)