There has come a point where I see how broken and damaged I really am. One of my sisters told me about this energy healing program where it works to heal your heart wall. But I learned why my heart wall is to not be touched, because it is in so many pieces. You feel trapped you can't move on nor can you change you're only trapped. You feel it the door has been locked and the key thrown away as others watch you suffer.
And yet who can you blame, you feel it you really feel it because you feel that you can only blame yourself. What have you done why have you only known to just run? Run right into failure and destruction. Now a days tears come so easily because my body mind and heart have reached their breaking point. I thought I was strong, I was so sure that I was ok, that I was fine.
But no I'm destroyed I suffocate everyday living with those who hate me, judge me. I have nothing good with my family no one really understands me or anything I am trying to fix. I also learned some reasons why I've been dying inside.
I was only 12 when I was alone in the PE locker room changing. I then heard the boys behind me. One grabbed my breasts and another pulled my arms behind me. I screamed out for help. Our teacher came and saved me, but when taking it to police they rejected it. I told my sisters but they scoffed at me, telling me to stop telling lies. I was devastated who in the world could I tell about what happened?
No one I was alone. I was chased home many times by the same boys trying to do the act again but my dog saved me many times. He protected me and was my only friend I could tell about what happened. The fear, the crushing pain of pretending to be ok.
I went to college was then sexually assaulted. I told someone and he dismissed it as my own fault. That the way I was dressed was the reason for the attack. I again reverted to being strong. I was punched by another. I'm so tired, I'm so broken and done. No one can save me, and I am locked in a jail of my own continuing suffering.
I have only one control anymore, the color of my hair. I've decided I'll go blonde and make that change. I can't change anything else, not even my own heart. I've never realized how broke I was, carrying over 16 years worth of pain and suffering. Hah, but I hope the change will come sooner. I really really do.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Music Is My Love
from my ratemydrawings.com collection
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Friday, August 22, 2014
When your past swallows you in a quiet realization.
I recently got this free e-book called The Trouble with Goodbye. In the book the main character has been raped and she finds a man who helps her to heal from her broken self. Now if you've read any of my previous posts you'll know that I've been abused by men for far too long. What hurts even more the one guy who was seeming to fix me had to end.
I explained to a friend how deeply we were connected, we loved each other he was the only man to ever say he loved me. He expected nothing from me, just my presence. When I set up boundaries with him he respected me in a huge way. He never once pushed the issue he only loved me and cherished me. People in my church were against our dating because he wasn't a member but I knew he was special. So special that I was ready to give him my everything, yet even in that moment he stopped and told me, "You're already makin it hard for me to leave, if we go all the way I could never let you go."
He truly loved me and didn't want to let me go but he was from Australia and unless I was willing to move there and be with him we weren't going anywhere. He unlike any guy I have ever dated didn't push a single thing. He never once made me feel bad for denying him kisses or dates. He also always stared at me despite other girls prettier then me admiring him. He showed me that a guy could truly love me. Especially since I was still trying to repair from everything that happened in my junior high to high school years.
Then after he was gone I dated another man, one who was a member of my church and immediatly people approved of us dating. No one saw him as a bad person but those nights I was with him I was scared. And the pain and hurt he left me broke me even further. What sucks was the sweeping under of what he did. I now have been struggling to feel like some man out there in the world will be like the Aussie I once was with.
What makes things even harder is some guys not understandin what I went through and getting hurt and mad at me. I need time to really work a relationship with someone, but it seems I'm going too slowly. I've felt frozen and thus my pain and anxiety reigns. I didn't notice how those scarring events stick. They don't just leave they consume your dreams and fears, they make you feel like you are what people say, "a whore."
I want for any woman whose faced this suffocating pain, please know you are NOT a whore. You didn't ask for it in any way. You are a human being and those men are nothing but dogs. Please know that you are someone special because of what you went through you better see the world. You know there isn't just good people because of religions or something else. You know there is evil everywhere. You also have the most golden hearts never forget that. Please raise awareness of rape and assault. The real pain can destroy a woman, don't let that happen.
To the men, be bigger then dogs. Don't live off your desires have control of them. Also don't ever see a woman as an object, she is a human being who has emotions and feelings that needs to be loved.
We need to be better then we were.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I explained to a friend how deeply we were connected, we loved each other he was the only man to ever say he loved me. He expected nothing from me, just my presence. When I set up boundaries with him he respected me in a huge way. He never once pushed the issue he only loved me and cherished me. People in my church were against our dating because he wasn't a member but I knew he was special. So special that I was ready to give him my everything, yet even in that moment he stopped and told me, "You're already makin it hard for me to leave, if we go all the way I could never let you go."
He truly loved me and didn't want to let me go but he was from Australia and unless I was willing to move there and be with him we weren't going anywhere. He unlike any guy I have ever dated didn't push a single thing. He never once made me feel bad for denying him kisses or dates. He also always stared at me despite other girls prettier then me admiring him. He showed me that a guy could truly love me. Especially since I was still trying to repair from everything that happened in my junior high to high school years.
Then after he was gone I dated another man, one who was a member of my church and immediatly people approved of us dating. No one saw him as a bad person but those nights I was with him I was scared. And the pain and hurt he left me broke me even further. What sucks was the sweeping under of what he did. I now have been struggling to feel like some man out there in the world will be like the Aussie I once was with.
What makes things even harder is some guys not understandin what I went through and getting hurt and mad at me. I need time to really work a relationship with someone, but it seems I'm going too slowly. I've felt frozen and thus my pain and anxiety reigns. I didn't notice how those scarring events stick. They don't just leave they consume your dreams and fears, they make you feel like you are what people say, "a whore."
I want for any woman whose faced this suffocating pain, please know you are NOT a whore. You didn't ask for it in any way. You are a human being and those men are nothing but dogs. Please know that you are someone special because of what you went through you better see the world. You know there isn't just good people because of religions or something else. You know there is evil everywhere. You also have the most golden hearts never forget that. Please raise awareness of rape and assault. The real pain can destroy a woman, don't let that happen.
To the men, be bigger then dogs. Don't live off your desires have control of them. Also don't ever see a woman as an object, she is a human being who has emotions and feelings that needs to be loved.
We need to be better then we were.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
The Comfort Zone
Everytime I write a book I always do a ton of research. Whether it's on diseases or fictional stories. Or even on wars and disasters. Sadly I learn a lot but when it comes to what friends know or what other people know it disappears and comes into play of not being real. I guess what bothers me is how trapped in bubbles of comfort we are in.
Now don't get me wrong comfort isn't all bad more often it helps you to not go insane. But it hides too much of what others are suffering. Let me go to one of the latest challenges to spread awareness of ALS. Now first of all in all the challenges no one explains what ALS is or even why it needs awareness. Want to know why? It's because it actually is a treatable disease/disability. Now the donating and raising awareness is great. But what would be better is a video talking about it not an ice bucket challenge.
There are so many diseases that need awareness, animals being threatened, living conditions for people, and so on and so on.
In this world we all become comfortable in our lives that we forget that we still have the power to change many peoples lives so they can live comfortable too. But wht do most of us do? We pass it onto a Government to take care. Let me go to a new problem with Obamacare. This great health care has caused me many problems including the trying to pay my medical bills myself. Before it was passed I was ok being able to pay the 3$ I could afford but after the bill passed I was required to pay over 100$ to pay it off in a year.
Also I will be fined for not getting any of the health care through the program. And this was suppose to be a help for people to get health care. May I just say we have removed our responsibility of caring for each other by making the Governments responsibile and really do you think they care about us? No they don't not really.
There is still so much that is messed up like the inflation and so much more. We can change this world just if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and see the world. Realize your heart will cry but that is good cause it will help you to want to make the changes happen faster.
What comforts are you willing to lose to start making a change?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now don't get me wrong comfort isn't all bad more often it helps you to not go insane. But it hides too much of what others are suffering. Let me go to one of the latest challenges to spread awareness of ALS. Now first of all in all the challenges no one explains what ALS is or even why it needs awareness. Want to know why? It's because it actually is a treatable disease/disability. Now the donating and raising awareness is great. But what would be better is a video talking about it not an ice bucket challenge.
There are so many diseases that need awareness, animals being threatened, living conditions for people, and so on and so on.
In this world we all become comfortable in our lives that we forget that we still have the power to change many peoples lives so they can live comfortable too. But wht do most of us do? We pass it onto a Government to take care. Let me go to a new problem with Obamacare. This great health care has caused me many problems including the trying to pay my medical bills myself. Before it was passed I was ok being able to pay the 3$ I could afford but after the bill passed I was required to pay over 100$ to pay it off in a year.
Also I will be fined for not getting any of the health care through the program. And this was suppose to be a help for people to get health care. May I just say we have removed our responsibility of caring for each other by making the Governments responsibile and really do you think they care about us? No they don't not really.
There is still so much that is messed up like the inflation and so much more. We can change this world just if you are willing to step out of your comfort zone and see the world. Realize your heart will cry but that is good cause it will help you to want to make the changes happen faster.
What comforts are you willing to lose to start making a change?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
The depression effect
We may not wish to admit it or even think of it as a reality but suicide is a very real death that takes many peoples live. It comes about due to depression which is one of the biggest killer in the world. Depression is something most people have to deal with and it is very real and very destructive. The thing that makes me sad is the misunderstanding of suicide.
Suicide isn't as simply put a choice, it's a point of no return in depression. Let me explain, like the disease of Ebola or many more it starts off slow then it builds closer to the point when it just finally kills you. It isn't a choice. I know this because after the day I was nearly gang raped I went to my kitchen drawer drew out a knife and was ready to die. For me at that point it wasn't a choice it was a need.
What stopped me was the realization that in the car crash I would've been killed then I survived for a reason. That reason I don't know but there was or is one. When depression hits you to that point suicide doesn't become an option it just is the final stage. But I just want you to know suicide can't be looked at as someone made the choice or something even crueler that the one who died is gonna suffer now.
Suicide is just a painful wake up to the reality that depression is still strong. Be there for your friends and family, love them and make sure they never feel alone. And be sure to find many ways to stay positive. In the end just remember you are of such great worth and like any disease it can be healed. It just takes time so be patient with yourself, and to loved ones be patient with them.
Robin Williams is greatly missed. We are forever grateful of his contribution to making the rest of us laugh and learn life. He has probably saved many lives may he and his family always remember that.
And as I always say,
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Suicide isn't as simply put a choice, it's a point of no return in depression. Let me explain, like the disease of Ebola or many more it starts off slow then it builds closer to the point when it just finally kills you. It isn't a choice. I know this because after the day I was nearly gang raped I went to my kitchen drawer drew out a knife and was ready to die. For me at that point it wasn't a choice it was a need.
What stopped me was the realization that in the car crash I would've been killed then I survived for a reason. That reason I don't know but there was or is one. When depression hits you to that point suicide doesn't become an option it just is the final stage. But I just want you to know suicide can't be looked at as someone made the choice or something even crueler that the one who died is gonna suffer now.
Suicide is just a painful wake up to the reality that depression is still strong. Be there for your friends and family, love them and make sure they never feel alone. And be sure to find many ways to stay positive. In the end just remember you are of such great worth and like any disease it can be healed. It just takes time so be patient with yourself, and to loved ones be patient with them.
Robin Williams is greatly missed. We are forever grateful of his contribution to making the rest of us laugh and learn life. He has probably saved many lives may he and his family always remember that.
And as I always say,
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, August 11, 2014
Mirrored World Chapter 1 A Typical Day
Many people tell me it's normal for me to feel objectified. That I can't do anything to change what the world has decided is sexy and what's not. If I let any hair appear anywhere aside from my face, arms, legs, or chest then I'm disgusting. And only if my face has an appropriate structure then can I have long hair otherwise I better keep mine a buzz cut. I think it's ridiculous on the TV women can look however they want but the man better look prim and proper the suited image of a true man.
Porn is even worse men are sold into sex trafficking and many become dancers just to make it through college. Men also can't walk alone at night cause they are more likely to be raped, especially if their clothes are screaming for it. Oh and the clothes right, I've only been able to find low v neck shirts with skinny jeans. Men are expected to be ok with women overpowering them and I guess that makes me weird since that incident.
I look from my computer at my boss who is sexually harrassing a worker he doesn't seem too bothered by it. But her hand is not going to stay in appropriate places for long with him. I shudder and finish what I need to be turning my computer off and getting up to leave. I button my shirt as I leave so that I can finally feel covered.
"Finally can go home and not worry about people staring at me."
"Hey, hot rod, nice butt!"
I glance at the red haired girl with her baggy shirt and pants. She then does a crude hand motion indicating sex. I shake my head and scoff before getting into my car and heading home.
"Brandons new song, 'Just Touch Me' is on next!"
I turned the radio off that song annoys me. All it is about is how men just want sex and for some woman to just take them. It doesn't sing about boundaries cause clearly us men don't want consent before a woman does something to us. I get home and park before going into see my cat and turn on the TV.
"Hey whiskers," I say rubbing the grey tabbies chin before spooning him some soft cat food, "You have such an easy life buddy."
I then grab a pizza and flop down on the couch going to a movie. Right off the bat I'm greeted by men with perfect bodies by todays standards, they're skinny and well built. My body isn't theirs and I struggle again with the thought of my self image. I turn the movie off flipping to TubeYou. I watch videos for over an hour before deciding to head off to bed.
I do a quick shave and brush of my teeth and hair, which is reaching my ears in length. I then notice a crack in my mirror.
"I'll get that fixed tomorrow," I say walking away.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
That silent moment when you are afraid of trying to do what you want.
I have recently been struggling with where I live. I have become so severly tormented with the thought of stayin where I am that I get sick. My body screams in pain and my voice closes up in fear of saying I don't want to be here anymore.
I have no clue where I really want to go I just want to leave. I have many friends here but that is all there is for me here. I love my job but I can't earn enough from it and thus it causes problems when all I want is to live on my own.
I'm a 25 (soon to be 26) year old single woman. All I want is to be financially stable and living in my own place. Yet here I am typing this in my sisters place, a place where I just want to escape. I love my family for all they've done but I've been so fragile and now I'm starting to literally break.
To my friends who read this I'm sorry but there is no way you could help, I have to do this alone. Sure I may cry almost every night because of it and I may wish that someone would just see my pain and comfort me. But I know I am alone with the only ones to give me comfort are my book characters, the ones who I have to neglect because technology breaks.
I write on here to try and see the positive that will be coming from this. But I have no clue, I struggle pay check to pay check to pay bills.
I know many my age are dealing with this as well and I think it's stupid. Yet I also know that war is on our doorsteps. North Korea attacking the South, Israel and Palastine bombing each other, and Ukraine fighting Russia. I guess I don't know what will happen but darn do I wish I can breathe soon.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have no clue where I really want to go I just want to leave. I have many friends here but that is all there is for me here. I love my job but I can't earn enough from it and thus it causes problems when all I want is to live on my own.
I'm a 25 (soon to be 26) year old single woman. All I want is to be financially stable and living in my own place. Yet here I am typing this in my sisters place, a place where I just want to escape. I love my family for all they've done but I've been so fragile and now I'm starting to literally break.
To my friends who read this I'm sorry but there is no way you could help, I have to do this alone. Sure I may cry almost every night because of it and I may wish that someone would just see my pain and comfort me. But I know I am alone with the only ones to give me comfort are my book characters, the ones who I have to neglect because technology breaks.
I write on here to try and see the positive that will be coming from this. But I have no clue, I struggle pay check to pay check to pay bills.
I know many my age are dealing with this as well and I think it's stupid. Yet I also know that war is on our doorsteps. North Korea attacking the South, Israel and Palastine bombing each other, and Ukraine fighting Russia. I guess I don't know what will happen but darn do I wish I can breathe soon.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Used Goods
I'm going to do something I've never done before, it is something I never went into detail but I'm doing it now because I'm tired of being an extreme sex fantasy or just one of the guys. I'm sharing this to open the guys I've talked to mind. Many if not all of them claim there is good from them watching Porn yet I know as many others that it is not.
I met this guy at the Halloween dance he was really sweet and talked to me before asking me out. I was of course happy because I hadn't had a date for almost 3 years. I finally felt I was attractive to someone and went out with him. A friend of mine tagged along which I was grateful for, we went to a Halloween party where he kissed me.
A kiss on the first date wasn't unusual since the last guy I dated gave my first kiss on our first date. But that guy only stayed for a week and was very open of his desires for sex but respected me in not wanting to have sex. But sadly with this guy he would teach me why a guy wanting to kiss on the first date is a red flag.
He asked me out a few more times we had dinner and watched movies. I enjoyed it and it was fun being around him, I never felt unsafe either. It wasn't until Thanksgiving that he asked me to visit his family. That was when my fears started. I wasn't sure why he introduced me to his family we hadn't been dating for more then three weeks.
Yet there I was with his family. Then it happened. I decided to accept his invite to watch a movie at his house. Usually his mother was there so I wasn't worried, but when I got there she was leaving. I didn't feel too nervous since he was suppose to be a righteous man in my churches standards.
Yet he kissed me and he shoved his tongue into my mouth. I pulled back and asked him to not do that, he told me to just relax and placed a hand down below. I paniced and started to cry which made him get mad and stop. I got up and left, I didn't ever want to see him again yet he wanted to apologize and then he did it again. This time successfully bruising my leg, I wanted to let him go in full but I didn't.
Finally he gave the final reason out public as to why I should let him go. He told me a lie that he was going to a nephews birthday during the night of a party. I went to the party to find him sitting with another girl. I kept myself as calm as I could before leaving and breaking down.
I knew one of his secrets he watched porn in excess amounts, he never saw women as humans but as objects to get his jollies off to. I was bruised by him and was scarred in an even worse manner. And now when any man tells me porn is good I cry and get upset.
Porn is actually brand new and the types of porn is all different. Unlike in the old times where it didn't exist men had only their imagination, but in their imagination they were more often then not respecting women as wives or mothers. I know this cause I read a 1920 romance novel written by a man who wrote it for his love who died and he never got to hold in his arms.
I have become a wreck, I'm scared of men I don't feel like I can trust them or even see them as protectors. The worst part Porn is very widely accepted as normal and that we are to stop judging men who watch it. For me, men it's one thing to imagine sex ok. Cause us women imagine sex too. But it's another to have your ways of having sex played out to you by men who have no respect for women at all.
How do I know this? There is lots of websites where women are forced to perform sex acts that they don't want to do. Do you seriously think it is normal? It isn't and that's why I worry and feel unsafe around men. I hope that things change on the view of Porn I hope it becomes realized how damaging it is.
It's why in the end I always say...
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The fault of our dreams
I rolled over to see a small fire in front of me a silhouette sitting by the fire. It noticed that I was awake. And walked over I sat up smiling before I saw the same creature as last time.
"OHMY, GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed scrambling away from him my hands reaching the edge of the river.
"Please don't do that again," it spoke and his voice was soft and gentle, "I know this is a typical reaction to an alien but plea-"
"ALIEN!?" I screamed unsure of what to feel or think right then as I stared at him. He looked human enough but his eyes shined in the dark, his scales reflecting the fires light, and spines on the side of his face held golden hair back from his face which otherwise appeared normal. His face sunk in sorrow and he sat on the ground holding his hands out as if to be cuffed.
"Go ahead, I know your government would be very excited to finally get an alien," he said so calmly looking into my eyes.
I was still terrified my heart was screaming with adrenaline ready to flee. My muscles where tensed from the extra blood ready to swing into a punch. 'He's not attacking and he saved me from my own destruction, I should be more afraid of myself then of him.'
We just sat looking at each other for a long time. He didn't move at all even as I shifted from my legs going numb. I finally stood up and all he did was move his head up to look at me as I got a little closer still staying a good distance away from him.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say with a little stuttering. My body was slowing from the adrenaline and I was getting tired.
"We came to see if this planet you call earth was ready for connect from the other planets in the galaxy," he said still holding his hands where they remained, "We had sent a signal a while back but never heard a response. We then sent an object to test if your people would kill us, sadly it was taken to a base to be studied. Until recently we felt humans would kill us Drednas."
"What object?"
"Ever heard of Rosewell, New Mexico?"
"Are you kidding? I think every human heard about that incident."
"Yeah of course the story goes as far to say we sent one of our own in the craft, no just one of our computers. Which reminds me how is Siri?"
"Are you kidding that's were she came from?"
"Nah, just pulling your leg as you humans would say," he chuckled a bit smiling a crooked smile.
I blushed, not from just embarrassment but from his smile as well. And I hadn't noticed that I had gotten closer despite him not moving at all. I finally walked up to his out stretched hands kneeling before reaching out tentative fingers to touch his. He watched me as my fingers grazed the smaller scales on his hands, They felt the same as those on a lizard or snake, soft yet firm and protective.
"I heard you have creatures with my skin type here," he said. I looked up at him his smile had gotten bigger at my willingness to be close and touching him.
"Yeah, snakes and lizards." I looked back his hands there where claw like fingernails but they weren't viciously long but more short and closer to his finger.
"So still gonna take me in?"
I looked up at him as he stared at me. His smile gone he was just looking at me in seriousness. I gently touched his palm feeling the same texture as a lizards underbelly there.
"What's your name?"
"Gorgny."
I've been finding it interesting. I have been struggling for a while but I also know that it was never due to my education. Many of my friends with degrees are still struggling in todays society. But I won't deny I've thought of trying out to be an astronaut! When I was a kid going into the stars sounded like a ton of fun. And even as an adult it sounds perfect.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"OHMY, GET AWAY FROM ME!" I screamed scrambling away from him my hands reaching the edge of the river.
"Please don't do that again," it spoke and his voice was soft and gentle, "I know this is a typical reaction to an alien but plea-"
"ALIEN!?" I screamed unsure of what to feel or think right then as I stared at him. He looked human enough but his eyes shined in the dark, his scales reflecting the fires light, and spines on the side of his face held golden hair back from his face which otherwise appeared normal. His face sunk in sorrow and he sat on the ground holding his hands out as if to be cuffed.
"Go ahead, I know your government would be very excited to finally get an alien," he said so calmly looking into my eyes.
I was still terrified my heart was screaming with adrenaline ready to flee. My muscles where tensed from the extra blood ready to swing into a punch. 'He's not attacking and he saved me from my own destruction, I should be more afraid of myself then of him.'
We just sat looking at each other for a long time. He didn't move at all even as I shifted from my legs going numb. I finally stood up and all he did was move his head up to look at me as I got a little closer still staying a good distance away from him.
"What are you doing here?" I managed to say with a little stuttering. My body was slowing from the adrenaline and I was getting tired.
"We came to see if this planet you call earth was ready for connect from the other planets in the galaxy," he said still holding his hands where they remained, "We had sent a signal a while back but never heard a response. We then sent an object to test if your people would kill us, sadly it was taken to a base to be studied. Until recently we felt humans would kill us Drednas."
"What object?"
"Ever heard of Rosewell, New Mexico?"
"Are you kidding? I think every human heard about that incident."
"Yeah of course the story goes as far to say we sent one of our own in the craft, no just one of our computers. Which reminds me how is Siri?"
"Are you kidding that's were she came from?"
"Nah, just pulling your leg as you humans would say," he chuckled a bit smiling a crooked smile.
I blushed, not from just embarrassment but from his smile as well. And I hadn't noticed that I had gotten closer despite him not moving at all. I finally walked up to his out stretched hands kneeling before reaching out tentative fingers to touch his. He watched me as my fingers grazed the smaller scales on his hands, They felt the same as those on a lizard or snake, soft yet firm and protective.
"I heard you have creatures with my skin type here," he said. I looked up at him his smile had gotten bigger at my willingness to be close and touching him.
"Yeah, snakes and lizards." I looked back his hands there where claw like fingernails but they weren't viciously long but more short and closer to his finger.
"So still gonna take me in?"
I looked up at him as he stared at me. His smile gone he was just looking at me in seriousness. I gently touched his palm feeling the same texture as a lizards underbelly there.
"What's your name?"
"Gorgny."
I've been finding it interesting. I have been struggling for a while but I also know that it was never due to my education. Many of my friends with degrees are still struggling in todays society. But I won't deny I've thought of trying out to be an astronaut! When I was a kid going into the stars sounded like a ton of fun. And even as an adult it sounds perfect.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Reality can be very suffocating.
I stared at my friends casket as she was lowered into her grave, to never be seen again. All of my tears were spent from crying with her husband over the news. I looked over at Robert as he hled their son in his arms, he was fighting to not cry and I knew why.
"Strength," I whispered under my breath. Strength was the only way to survive the numbing pain that this life brings.
I saw Tom and my other friends across from me. He ave me a sorrowful look, probably because he regretted the fact that he had tried to get me on such a terrible night. I couldn't stay any longer and left in my car.
I drove half way home before pulling off to a part of the river that was sucluded. I pulled my shoes off and waded into the river allowing my black dress to get soaked I kept walking. 'NO!' I knew that I was feeling crazy wanting to just see if my invincibility of death would save me from drowning.
The rivers currents tore at my body tugging at my legs urging for me to slip and be pulled in. I kept walking till the currents where to my collarbone. I then slowly bent my legs feeling the current tear me off balance. My head hit the water as I sunk into the rushing water.
I screamed allowing water to flow into my mouth. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!' I felt my body get yanked as if I was caught, my body had closed my mouth after the first initial rush of water. I felt my body get tugged up till I was out of the river and my mouth coughed out the water it had been filled with. 'I'm alive, I'm so glad.'
"Let me go!" I thought I shouted but instead my mouth mumbled. I couldn't see well with the river water still in my eyes. But the breathing sounded deep and I could feel that I was in the arms of a man.
"I don't think letting you go will be beneficial."
I finally could see and a man who had half reptelian scales was looking at me with blue green eyes. My mind and body reacted screaming before I blacked out.
Recently I've found out why I've been suffering severe lonliness. Many of my friends are married and having kids all over. I'm still single and trapped in a spiral of my own demise. I don't suffer suicide, at least not since I was ten.
But this loniliness has proven to be a very suffocating feeling. I have one of two men interested in me, the first is the ood old friend, the second is the full sexual fantasy.
I want one chance at a deep romance but it's funny I seem to only be able to get the romance in my writing.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Strength," I whispered under my breath. Strength was the only way to survive the numbing pain that this life brings.
I saw Tom and my other friends across from me. He ave me a sorrowful look, probably because he regretted the fact that he had tried to get me on such a terrible night. I couldn't stay any longer and left in my car.
I drove half way home before pulling off to a part of the river that was sucluded. I pulled my shoes off and waded into the river allowing my black dress to get soaked I kept walking. 'NO!' I knew that I was feeling crazy wanting to just see if my invincibility of death would save me from drowning.
The rivers currents tore at my body tugging at my legs urging for me to slip and be pulled in. I kept walking till the currents where to my collarbone. I then slowly bent my legs feeling the current tear me off balance. My head hit the water as I sunk into the rushing water.
I screamed allowing water to flow into my mouth. 'I DON'T WANT TO DIE!' I felt my body get yanked as if I was caught, my body had closed my mouth after the first initial rush of water. I felt my body get tugged up till I was out of the river and my mouth coughed out the water it had been filled with. 'I'm alive, I'm so glad.'
"Let me go!" I thought I shouted but instead my mouth mumbled. I couldn't see well with the river water still in my eyes. But the breathing sounded deep and I could feel that I was in the arms of a man.
"I don't think letting you go will be beneficial."
I finally could see and a man who had half reptelian scales was looking at me with blue green eyes. My mind and body reacted screaming before I blacked out.
Recently I've found out why I've been suffering severe lonliness. Many of my friends are married and having kids all over. I'm still single and trapped in a spiral of my own demise. I don't suffer suicide, at least not since I was ten.
But this loniliness has proven to be a very suffocating feeling. I have one of two men interested in me, the first is the ood old friend, the second is the full sexual fantasy.
I want one chance at a deep romance but it's funny I seem to only be able to get the romance in my writing.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 30, 2014
We are all determined to make others live the way we feel they should.
I bent over gasping for breathe. It was my first marathon to raise money for cancer treatments. People all around me were cheering the runners on a the crowd the finish line. I smiled as a bunch of my friends ran up to me grabbing me in a hug group hug.
"Way to go Merah!" I laughed as Tom put me on his shoulders while spinning me around. It felt good knowing I had done something good to support those were struggling. Especially when I looked at Tara with her husband and son. Tara was still fighting osteosarcoma, which had already taken her two legs. She was stuck in a wheel chair and doctors kept adding time till she would die, which she finally asked for them to stop so that her son wouldn't be so terrified of losing his mother.
"Hey give me a moment ok guys?"
"Just remember we are all going to eat out after this."
I smiled at Room before running over to Tara who held her arms open for me to hug her. I held as tight as I felt was ok, just enjoying knowing that she was here still.
"Merah you are incredible,"she whispered into my hear making me squeeze her a bit more.
"No Tara, I'm not fighting cancer. That means you're the incredible one."
"I agree with Merah on that one," Robert her husband said placing a hand on her shoulder which she touched with her other hand.
"Either way thank you,"she said again leaning up in her chair to hug me again, "we were handed the check you helped us raise over ten thousand dollars to cover the bills. This will be a huge help."
"You know how worried I was about you and your husband," I said holding one of her hands, "I just wanted you both to have peace of mind in one area."
"Will you were successful," she said picking up their two year old and placing him in her lap. I smiled and talked with them for a while more before Tara started feeling the pain of having say for so long. I hugged her goodbye before joining with Tom and the others to go play.
***
Coming home was hard since Tom had just confessed to me. I told him that I needed to think about it but I already knew answer, after all I had asked him out last time and on the date he rejected my feelings. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. It would just be too awkward.
Bolt wandered up to me his wobbly walk empathized more in his run. I scratched behind his ears as he meowed. I say my and wallet on the counter walking over to his food dish and adding more hard food to it. Then I heard my phone buzz from the counter.
I walked over to it assuming that it was Tom. But my phones screen showed that it was a call from Tara, my heart panicked as I answered the phone. My heart dropped as I heard the sons of Robert on the other line. My knees gave out as tears fell from my eyes. I could barely hear him but I already knew, she was gone.
I couldn't hang up as he sobbed about how he didn't know what to do without her there to help him. He then told me how she died.
"I was worried when we got back because all though she wasn't saying anything about pain her face showed it. I picked her up and she screamed in agony before grabbing her chest trying to stop the pain," I could understand him better now that he was able to speak, "I called my mom to watch Garth as the ambulance arrived. I watched Tara get loaded into the ambulance promising to be there as soon as my mom got there. But when I arrived it was already too late."
I grit my teeth as another wave of sorrow over came us both. I stayed on the phone until he had called down again.
"I didn't get to say goodbye, or I love you. I hate that the most."
I listened to him hold back a sob as best he could before inhaling.
"Robert I'm sure that Tara didn't need those words said because she could feel them every single day in your arms," I said hearing him fall into sobs again, "feeling is stronger then saying."
"Yeah thank you," I listened to him blow his nose as he tried to regain control, "I need to discuss her fun-fu-funeral, I'll let you know when it is. Thank you, Merah."
I decided to start writing a spey of mine since I feel it can get across my feelings better then my just writing it out. What I fear is that we have all lost our humanity. I hope not.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Way to go Merah!" I laughed as Tom put me on his shoulders while spinning me around. It felt good knowing I had done something good to support those were struggling. Especially when I looked at Tara with her husband and son. Tara was still fighting osteosarcoma, which had already taken her two legs. She was stuck in a wheel chair and doctors kept adding time till she would die, which she finally asked for them to stop so that her son wouldn't be so terrified of losing his mother.
"Hey give me a moment ok guys?"
"Just remember we are all going to eat out after this."
I smiled at Room before running over to Tara who held her arms open for me to hug her. I held as tight as I felt was ok, just enjoying knowing that she was here still.
"Merah you are incredible,"she whispered into my hear making me squeeze her a bit more.
"No Tara, I'm not fighting cancer. That means you're the incredible one."
"I agree with Merah on that one," Robert her husband said placing a hand on her shoulder which she touched with her other hand.
"Either way thank you,"she said again leaning up in her chair to hug me again, "we were handed the check you helped us raise over ten thousand dollars to cover the bills. This will be a huge help."
"You know how worried I was about you and your husband," I said holding one of her hands, "I just wanted you both to have peace of mind in one area."
"Will you were successful," she said picking up their two year old and placing him in her lap. I smiled and talked with them for a while more before Tara started feeling the pain of having say for so long. I hugged her goodbye before joining with Tom and the others to go play.
***
Coming home was hard since Tom had just confessed to me. I told him that I needed to think about it but I already knew answer, after all I had asked him out last time and on the date he rejected my feelings. I couldn't be with him even if I wanted to. It would just be too awkward.
Bolt wandered up to me his wobbly walk empathized more in his run. I scratched behind his ears as he meowed. I say my and wallet on the counter walking over to his food dish and adding more hard food to it. Then I heard my phone buzz from the counter.
I walked over to it assuming that it was Tom. But my phones screen showed that it was a call from Tara, my heart panicked as I answered the phone. My heart dropped as I heard the sons of Robert on the other line. My knees gave out as tears fell from my eyes. I could barely hear him but I already knew, she was gone.
I couldn't hang up as he sobbed about how he didn't know what to do without her there to help him. He then told me how she died.
"I was worried when we got back because all though she wasn't saying anything about pain her face showed it. I picked her up and she screamed in agony before grabbing her chest trying to stop the pain," I could understand him better now that he was able to speak, "I called my mom to watch Garth as the ambulance arrived. I watched Tara get loaded into the ambulance promising to be there as soon as my mom got there. But when I arrived it was already too late."
I grit my teeth as another wave of sorrow over came us both. I stayed on the phone until he had called down again.
"I didn't get to say goodbye, or I love you. I hate that the most."
I listened to him hold back a sob as best he could before inhaling.
"Robert I'm sure that Tara didn't need those words said because she could feel them every single day in your arms," I said hearing him fall into sobs again, "feeling is stronger then saying."
"Yeah thank you," I listened to him blow his nose as he tried to regain control, "I need to discuss her fun-fu-funeral, I'll let you know when it is. Thank you, Merah."
I decided to start writing a spey of mine since I feel it can get across my feelings better then my just writing it out. What I fear is that we have all lost our humanity. I hope not.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
The suffocating feeling of loneliness.
I never knew how loneliness felt until recently when my life stated the same ritual again. My dear and close friends all being married before me. Now don't get me wrong I'm happy for them, truly am. But losing them to marriage and having the sickening experiences I've had with men I just felt numb. I'm a Mormon so of course this is normal in my church but I've felt shattered wondering what I'm doing wrong to attract the type of men who hurt me.
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married.
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me.
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me.
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did.
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away.
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man.
I want my dreams to become reality.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I started a new book based around my high school experience and gave my character a wonderful and caring man who loves her deeply. Ever since I started the story I have been having dreams of a man sitting close to hold my hand, a man always smiling at me, a man wishlist in my ear how much he loves me. And my heart cries, and I grow tired of being broken by men and decided I don't want to get married.
Till I was reunited with the first ever guy who made me feel like I was important in some way. I won't say his name since many women have shown interest in him, I'm not good at fighting for a man that my friends want too. What he did was a huge deal for me.
In my church we have a once a year for the youth in our stakes called youth conference. This one youth conference I was alone in a group when this one guy came up and said he wanted to be in my group. Through out the bike he stayed beside me talking to me and making me let him carry our groups flag. He was so sweet and at night in our separate tents he talked to me.
Of course I knew that he liked the other girls who wore perfect makeup blemishes covered, hair straight and done up nice. Compared to me yeah they were gorgeous, I had blemishes all over, my hair was a frizzy uncontrollable mess, and I didn't know how to smile much. Even though I knew I would never be a girl he'd date I still loved him for what he did.
He hasn't recognized me yet of course alot had changed about me. I have a pixie cut, my hair is blonde, red, and dark brown, and my face only shows the scars of all my blemishes with no more acne to invade. So I'm sure he doesn't remember plus I was just some random girl who may not even recall at all. A and of course in my selfishness I want to be the girl he looks at now, I have no clue if he's different or the same. So first step was to make him one of my friends, at I hope I don't scare him away.
I guess no matter what I desire a man to connect deeply with me, to just every day savor his embrace. In the end I still want to get married, even though I'm so tired of men tearing me apart. I hope soon I find one guy who holds me together and makes me feel like a human rather then an object. I hope at some point I'll be of worth to one man.
I want my dreams to become reality.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
Why I won't trust a man when I first meet him.
Batman Running Posters by batman
See additional Posters & Art online at Zazzle
The man posted above and some other fantasy men are the only ones I ever want to be held by. And the reason for that? Well I'm so tired of real men treating me as something less.
Recently I had one guy friend who belittled the pain I had suffered seeing a friend try to commit suicide. The horrors of watching people be shot, one lying on the road near death and helping them, being ten trapped in a car where you see your whole body covered in shards of glass and metal. Where boys in your school freely groped and tried to rape you. Where you were beaten, sexually assaulted, and abused emotionally by someone you thought loved you. Right I have no right in thinking the way that I do.
One thing that has ticked me off the most is how some of my friends like to get on me for how I think about not feeling safe with men. They tell me I'm just judging the men and not getting to know them. True I don't know them but that means I SHOULD exercise caution.
I've been suffering plenty of anxiety attacks and I have just reached a breaking point where I just curl up in bed and play video games. I've had guys yelling hey sexy and for me it terrifies me and makes me angry. My Grandpa Larsen on our last visit with him showed me how to throw knives and a punch. He told me that sadly he knew that men would not respect me as a human being.
He told me to be a strong woman so I could protect myself when it came to it. Sadly I am a woman and I learned the hard way that if a man wants to do something to you he'll do it. I would scream and cry, he'd say sorry and for some reason I thought he wouldn't do it again and go back to him. Only for the same thing to repeat, tongue forced into my mouth, arms forcing my body against his and hands wandering to areas I did not want to be touched yet.
I have lost my trust and faith in men, I feel and fear that there aren't good men. Oh and here's a BIG joke, when "good men" comment on my status's but none of them aim to prove what they say. May I ask then why say it if you can't prove it? And I'm not meaning in a partnership but a relationship as friends.
I heard the song Human by Christina Perri and I cried. I just cried for a long time just asking anything whether aliens, God, or even just the men in my family, who I loved and trusted, who are now gone. Why am I only seen as a package of breasts? Why am I unable to have people get how many times I've been hurt? Why can't someone just be my shoulder for me to cry on, to just listen not talk?
I recently had a job where the cat brought home a baby rabbit. The little guy wasn't dead, his neck was punctured by the cat, giving him a slow painful death. I took the rabbit and snapped his neck killing him immediately so he would no longer suffer. My mother and others said I was so strong to do that, but I don't feel like it.
My whole life all I wanted was for others to smile, I forced bullies to not bother my friends but me. I stood up and fought for others while they where down. I've stood for another just because they were sexually different or thought different. Because I would hope someone would do that for me.
I curl up with my newest favorite book series Divergent and I just dream of Four and how he would cradle the one he loves. In fact he does do that but if you haven't read it yet I will not spoil it. I also love John Greens; The Fault In Our Stars. And my favorite videogame series (aside from Batman Arkham) Mass Effect. Where you get to choose a romance with a character.
For now I'll stick with the fantasy men. I know these men can NEVER hurt me, and I can always feel safe with them. The day a real man wants to prove that please step forward but for now I will be staying away from that. There is no reason to cry only to smile and feel hope.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, May 23, 2014
What happens when we remember that we are first and fore most humans.
For a while I have been sitting and watching how we as humans work and live. Most of us live life like I do. You get up each morning go to work come home and go to sleep. Maybe a chance to read or play video games or whatever you do to relax. But I remember times where I had to become a hero in a split second. I think back to the car crash, which will be 16 years since then this August.
I was unable to help in my mind I thought I was, but I learned something. My talking was a huge help. Whenever an accident happens and you don't know what to do then talk to those involved it has shown that hearing another human calms our heart rates. It gives us comfort in the sound.
But our voices also hold power in protecting others. I once was in a class where the teacher was being severely bullied. I stood up for her and even though I was then bullied, I had made the group of students leave her alone. I did it several times for my friends as well. I have also stood up for those who are gay.
I realized that before I am anything else, Mormon, woman, writer, dreamer, whatever I am HUMAN.
And as a human my purpose in this life is to love all and to see the good in people. I learned the hard way how to do that after being sexually assaulted. I don't see him much but from time to time I do. And all though my body is protecting itself from harm I have learned how to look past him and see him as human, flawed just as we all are.
I also realized that I needed to be a strength for girls who were treated like me. Feeling confused because when he touched them they did like it. I found it hard to explain that our bodies protect themselves first and foremost. But that our hearts and minds remind us that we are scared and being harmed. I try to forget but I know I can't. When I think of being around a man my body shivers.
It becomes terrified of the intoxication of porn in everyday society and how accepted it is. How it turned a guy I thought I could trust into someone who only had lust for my body to a point that he would touch me where I didn't want to be touched. How I would cry for him stop and yet nothing. I learned that he was numb to being human.
Before we are ever Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or whatever religion we follow including Atheism we are HUMAN. We are meant to love all and each other. We are not meant to war with each other, we are not meant to kill each other, we are not meant to steal or lie from each other, we are meant to love each other to lift out a hand of help.
We are meant to in the darkest moment help were we can. To help someone when and where we can. We are meant to be pillars for each other to lift one another to a higher state. I am human, and thus I will be flawed and fail but that doesn't mean I give up.
It means I take another step forward in trying to be better today, right now.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!
I was unable to help in my mind I thought I was, but I learned something. My talking was a huge help. Whenever an accident happens and you don't know what to do then talk to those involved it has shown that hearing another human calms our heart rates. It gives us comfort in the sound.
But our voices also hold power in protecting others. I once was in a class where the teacher was being severely bullied. I stood up for her and even though I was then bullied, I had made the group of students leave her alone. I did it several times for my friends as well. I have also stood up for those who are gay.
I realized that before I am anything else, Mormon, woman, writer, dreamer, whatever I am HUMAN.
And as a human my purpose in this life is to love all and to see the good in people. I learned the hard way how to do that after being sexually assaulted. I don't see him much but from time to time I do. And all though my body is protecting itself from harm I have learned how to look past him and see him as human, flawed just as we all are.
I also realized that I needed to be a strength for girls who were treated like me. Feeling confused because when he touched them they did like it. I found it hard to explain that our bodies protect themselves first and foremost. But that our hearts and minds remind us that we are scared and being harmed. I try to forget but I know I can't. When I think of being around a man my body shivers.
It becomes terrified of the intoxication of porn in everyday society and how accepted it is. How it turned a guy I thought I could trust into someone who only had lust for my body to a point that he would touch me where I didn't want to be touched. How I would cry for him stop and yet nothing. I learned that he was numb to being human.
Before we are ever Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, or whatever religion we follow including Atheism we are HUMAN. We are meant to love all and each other. We are not meant to war with each other, we are not meant to kill each other, we are not meant to steal or lie from each other, we are meant to love each other to lift out a hand of help.
We are meant to in the darkest moment help were we can. To help someone when and where we can. We are meant to be pillars for each other to lift one another to a higher state. I am human, and thus I will be flawed and fail but that doesn't mean I give up.
It means I take another step forward in trying to be better today, right now.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
What I learned after watching Divergent
I just enjoy a very amazing movie! I have read the first of the series of Divergent but the movie reminded me why I feel in love with the books. The movie is based on a Distopia, a Utopia that is not what you expect.
In the movie there are factions you are born into. When you reach the age to leave home you are to choose your own faction. But the law is that you're to conform to that factions ways, else you become factionless. In the film the protagonist goes through her test and discovers she is a Divergent.
Divergents are those who think for themselves they are the people who do not conform to a thought or idea. They choose for themselves what is right and what is wrong, thus they become a threat because supposedly that was how the deadly war happened.
I thought about it for a long time after and realized how much I love diverse thinking. I realized that for me it was beautiful to walk out of the theater and see how we all had our own opinions and could choose what we wanted to do.
But sadly there is parts of this world where governments force or will even kill people who do not conform to their laws. I cry for those people because thinking differently is not a bad thing. It's never a bad thing to want to think and question everything!
Recently I questioned many things of my church and the leaders. Why? Because they are human and as humans we say what we want. I've learned that I have to teach myself to know if something said is true or not. But I like the fact that I'm not forced to conform to one belief I can think how ever I want to.
No matter what diverse thinking is beautiful, the atheist to the Christian. The pro-life to the pro-choice. The war fighter to the peace lover. It's beautiful and wonderful to have these different thoughts because when you listen to these ideas you then learn more on how you can be a better human being. How awesome is that?
I know this I loved the movie and I'm buying the books because I want that reminder every day and I want my kids to know that to. Growing up also where I did was great, my little hometown of Hawthorne, NV was HUGELY diverse. Never once was there no one who wasn't different from the one sitting next to them. Thus when a friend of mine came out on being gay we didn't judge or see him as being sinful. We saw everyone as humans.
I know we can all learn to listen to the different views and see the other stories before judging and that we can learn more. Open your mind and heart. Be Divergent.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
In the movie there are factions you are born into. When you reach the age to leave home you are to choose your own faction. But the law is that you're to conform to that factions ways, else you become factionless. In the film the protagonist goes through her test and discovers she is a Divergent.
Divergents are those who think for themselves they are the people who do not conform to a thought or idea. They choose for themselves what is right and what is wrong, thus they become a threat because supposedly that was how the deadly war happened.
I thought about it for a long time after and realized how much I love diverse thinking. I realized that for me it was beautiful to walk out of the theater and see how we all had our own opinions and could choose what we wanted to do.
But sadly there is parts of this world where governments force or will even kill people who do not conform to their laws. I cry for those people because thinking differently is not a bad thing. It's never a bad thing to want to think and question everything!
Recently I questioned many things of my church and the leaders. Why? Because they are human and as humans we say what we want. I've learned that I have to teach myself to know if something said is true or not. But I like the fact that I'm not forced to conform to one belief I can think how ever I want to.
No matter what diverse thinking is beautiful, the atheist to the Christian. The pro-life to the pro-choice. The war fighter to the peace lover. It's beautiful and wonderful to have these different thoughts because when you listen to these ideas you then learn more on how you can be a better human being. How awesome is that?
I know this I loved the movie and I'm buying the books because I want that reminder every day and I want my kids to know that to. Growing up also where I did was great, my little hometown of Hawthorne, NV was HUGELY diverse. Never once was there no one who wasn't different from the one sitting next to them. Thus when a friend of mine came out on being gay we didn't judge or see him as being sinful. We saw everyone as humans.
I know we can all learn to listen to the different views and see the other stories before judging and that we can learn more. Open your mind and heart. Be Divergent.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, April 18, 2014
That moment when you fall back two steps.
I've had a lot of weird yet amazing things happen for me recently. One of these has been playing a MMORPG, or Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game. This game is called League of Angels or LoA or horrible lol. I never knew this game would be what would draw me to people who would ignite my curious mind. And one who would ignite sparks in my heart, someone who has made the change inside of me feel so simple.
I had been working as hard as I could to earn more and more so I could meet people like the friends I've made on the game. I realized that when the moment came that I would fall back on losing another client in my work that I'd of course be very emotional about it. I've felt I'm not good enough for anyone and that all that I'm trying to do is for naught. But I've learned I'm not useless.
I have realized that I need to continue doing what I love. What I love is working with animals, writing, YouTubing, video gaming, comic books, books, Operas, ballets, Anime, drawing, cosplaying, and finally Batman. I've realized if I focused more on what I've always loved doing I could earn all the money I'd need and more! And I could finally be stress free in full.
I have taxes still to pay from 2011, and now medical bills that I'm slowly paying off myself. I still have a car to pay off and so much more. Yet I'm happy, I'm happy to have met the people I have in my life. That includes the ones who are still quote unquote "pixels", I love them all.
My life has changed so beautifully with them in my life. I have a chance to keep changing, I'm saving to go to PAX Prime and East, Comic Con, E3!, and just going on my own travels. I feel I've passed up my chance to go and see the world. I was given the chance to go to a school in New York I turned it down, I was also invited to go to China and teach English there. I've learned to let it go and just move on in my life, but now I want to make it the story I want.
I have control of my life and I love that.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had been working as hard as I could to earn more and more so I could meet people like the friends I've made on the game. I realized that when the moment came that I would fall back on losing another client in my work that I'd of course be very emotional about it. I've felt I'm not good enough for anyone and that all that I'm trying to do is for naught. But I've learned I'm not useless.
I have realized that I need to continue doing what I love. What I love is working with animals, writing, YouTubing, video gaming, comic books, books, Operas, ballets, Anime, drawing, cosplaying, and finally Batman. I've realized if I focused more on what I've always loved doing I could earn all the money I'd need and more! And I could finally be stress free in full.
I have taxes still to pay from 2011, and now medical bills that I'm slowly paying off myself. I still have a car to pay off and so much more. Yet I'm happy, I'm happy to have met the people I have in my life. That includes the ones who are still quote unquote "pixels", I love them all.
My life has changed so beautifully with them in my life. I have a chance to keep changing, I'm saving to go to PAX Prime and East, Comic Con, E3!, and just going on my own travels. I feel I've passed up my chance to go and see the world. I was given the chance to go to a school in New York I turned it down, I was also invited to go to China and teach English there. I've learned to let it go and just move on in my life, but now I want to make it the story I want.
I have control of my life and I love that.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
What happens in our lives is all for a very special reason.
This morning I received the heart wrenching call that my Uncle Lavoy had died. The hardest part of it all was he died the same way my father, and Uncle Dave did. I feel so sad, yet not because I have amazing friends. Including one whom I met while playing an online game.
Some people are always worried about those you meet online but he is real and someone I want to well have in my life. Soon it will happen but for now we just spend late nights just talking on the phone.
We talk about video games, anime, music, basically anything and everything that is random but we just like talking to each other.
The other thing is all my friends who I know in real life. So many of them continue to lift me up and help me to try for more and more. I just want to say that what ever happens it is all for an amazing and wonderful reason. Heart ache, and everything that makes us question is to help us to grow. Question everything! Seriously ask all the big questions and learn more and more how we can all make a difference in each others lives.
The governments can't change the world only we the individuals can. Let's continue to reach out to each other, let's continue to make each other smile and grow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!
Some people are always worried about those you meet online but he is real and someone I want to well have in my life. Soon it will happen but for now we just spend late nights just talking on the phone.
We talk about video games, anime, music, basically anything and everything that is random but we just like talking to each other.
The other thing is all my friends who I know in real life. So many of them continue to lift me up and help me to try for more and more. I just want to say that what ever happens it is all for an amazing and wonderful reason. Heart ache, and everything that makes us question is to help us to grow. Question everything! Seriously ask all the big questions and learn more and more how we can all make a difference in each others lives.
The governments can't change the world only we the individuals can. Let's continue to reach out to each other, let's continue to make each other smile and grow.
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
Quick GREAT news!
BATMAN ARKHAM KNIGHT IS COMING OUT THIS 2014!!!!!!!!!!
I just thought you all should know. :)
I just thought you all should know. :)
Friday, February 28, 2014
I am a force all my own!
Of course when I talked to friends about some of the things that have made me feel incapable of even taking care of myself I just become tired. In my last post I talked about LoA or League of Angels. On this game there is chat, and there are many from around the world.
I brought up my pleasant joy in knowing that the good old Obamacare would be forcing me into welfare in order to be on it. Yes that is for Medicaid. And I am not lying. But because I want to take care of myself and not be dependent on anyone I decided, I will pay the medical bills by myself. The bills are over 2,000$ but I don't care.
I also know that yes there will be lots of late fees to cover as well. But you know what, I have to do that for my stupid taxes, so it doesn't matter to me. Somehow or another the governments plan to help has instead cut me down. And I've reached a point where if the government will force me onto the whole health care band wagon that I'll be disappearing.
But after they told me that I just realized that you know what I am a strong and powerful individual. I don't need no one to hold my hand I'm going to take care of myself and if it means going to prison because I can't pay some bills that's fine. I've realized prison sounds better then bowing to the governments demands.
So what are my plans, I'm thinking of building my own business in my hometown. Can I do it, who knows? But if I don't change something soon I will be falling. And yeah guess what I hate the government hah go figure, the reason they want you to rely on them so they can cut you off soon.
Whether you believe the Bible of not the part about the Beast shows you that he decides to make everyone rely on him and those he doesn't like are killed. And yeah with this whole health care thing the government will be able to do just that. I will not be chained the government will have no way of making me bow down. I'm gonna fight. Will you?
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Why the internet is a place that is safe for the shy people.
So recently I decided to find some online games that I could play. Especially ones that didn't require any downloading and had been shown on gaming websites to be free of viruses and malware. One of these such games is LoA or League of Angels.
Now this game is pretty dang fun. It's a MMORPG and it's a social game. Now I do not enjoy social games because I meet people who are like me and I just start wishing they lived here so I could meet them in person. I also raise many a guys hopes in meeting me but well we can't.
The other thing there are those who are way too young to be playing these kinds of games. And then you also don't know who is telling the truth and who is lying straight to your face. It's the internet so even if someone says something you agree with and like you just don't know if it is legit.
I was surprised when just posting emoticons how people thought I was cool. I decided to talk about somethings I like without revealing names, or places, or age. Suddenly there where many who wanted to be my friends and a lot of guys (or at least I hope so) who wanted to use a very strange feature called marriage on the game.
I do not get the whole thing with these social games where they even have the whole option of marriage. And here is why, for a lot of those on the chat they explained how they only go out to work but stay home to play this game. It made me said, because I go out with friends from time to time or I work on here or on YouTube. I don't have a ton of time that I donate to playing games, but when I can play them they're nice.
It's just that even though these games allow for the ones who are pained with being very shy to have social interaction it is still over the internet. I had dated an Aussie for three months after he left seeing me in the States. I realized very quickly how much more alone I felt with out him, true we skyped and chatted but it was not the same.
I also know this it's the internet. What someone says could be the biggest lie of your whole life. They could be a murder or rapist, or they could be a hacker who needs just a little lee-way. The internet can be very terrifying and it's one reason for being VERY cautious.
I don't disbelieve anyone but I'm also not letting my guard down either. I also have to put up a tough barrier since I won't deny it I feel very alone and desire love with someone of the opposite sex. When you get a bunch of shy guys on these games wanting your attention it's pretty nice. But I always erase it and laugh it off.
And apparently if you just really relate to people they like you alot. I became the hot topic for a while and people just wanted me to keep talking about the weird things I like. I explained how I like cars, and different video games and consoles. I even talked a bit about sports.
But I won't deny it, this can be fun as long as it stays clean and doesn't go hay wire. And social gaming isn't bad it's just if you only have work for socializing and then go home for the internet you may want to find something else to socialize with. For me it's my church that helps me to socialize, but there is other things.
If you don't believe in a religion then just go out and have some. Go swimming, go dancing in the rain. You'd be surprised but there are people like you in real life. Can there be romance, I don't know haven't found it for myself yet so just go out there and make friends. Don't let the internet be your only place to socialize.
Oh and yes I'm still gonna play the game, just because I have fun playing the game. :)
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now this game is pretty dang fun. It's a MMORPG and it's a social game. Now I do not enjoy social games because I meet people who are like me and I just start wishing they lived here so I could meet them in person. I also raise many a guys hopes in meeting me but well we can't.
The other thing there are those who are way too young to be playing these kinds of games. And then you also don't know who is telling the truth and who is lying straight to your face. It's the internet so even if someone says something you agree with and like you just don't know if it is legit.
I was surprised when just posting emoticons how people thought I was cool. I decided to talk about somethings I like without revealing names, or places, or age. Suddenly there where many who wanted to be my friends and a lot of guys (or at least I hope so) who wanted to use a very strange feature called marriage on the game.
I do not get the whole thing with these social games where they even have the whole option of marriage. And here is why, for a lot of those on the chat they explained how they only go out to work but stay home to play this game. It made me said, because I go out with friends from time to time or I work on here or on YouTube. I don't have a ton of time that I donate to playing games, but when I can play them they're nice.
It's just that even though these games allow for the ones who are pained with being very shy to have social interaction it is still over the internet. I had dated an Aussie for three months after he left seeing me in the States. I realized very quickly how much more alone I felt with out him, true we skyped and chatted but it was not the same.
I also know this it's the internet. What someone says could be the biggest lie of your whole life. They could be a murder or rapist, or they could be a hacker who needs just a little lee-way. The internet can be very terrifying and it's one reason for being VERY cautious.
I don't disbelieve anyone but I'm also not letting my guard down either. I also have to put up a tough barrier since I won't deny it I feel very alone and desire love with someone of the opposite sex. When you get a bunch of shy guys on these games wanting your attention it's pretty nice. But I always erase it and laugh it off.
And apparently if you just really relate to people they like you alot. I became the hot topic for a while and people just wanted me to keep talking about the weird things I like. I explained how I like cars, and different video games and consoles. I even talked a bit about sports.
But I won't deny it, this can be fun as long as it stays clean and doesn't go hay wire. And social gaming isn't bad it's just if you only have work for socializing and then go home for the internet you may want to find something else to socialize with. For me it's my church that helps me to socialize, but there is other things.
If you don't believe in a religion then just go out and have some. Go swimming, go dancing in the rain. You'd be surprised but there are people like you in real life. Can there be romance, I don't know haven't found it for myself yet so just go out there and make friends. Don't let the internet be your only place to socialize.
Oh and yes I'm still gonna play the game, just because I have fun playing the game. :)
KEEP BELIEVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
I've lost my best friend and guardian.
He was red furred, covered with white and black frekles galore. He always was willing to be the first one to greet you at the door. If he didn't like he would let you know, a warning growl at those he felt where his enemies.
But he knew how to be gentle and how to be kind. He loved two cats who he guarded with his life. His owner he kept safe at night, always aware of what was going on outside. He was sad but to say that the little girl he loved had to move and live in a far away place. But yet she couldn't see him not for the last time, all she could say to him was over the phone. "I love you my puppy, you're the best dog of all. I know that you're strong and you'll be alright."
Yet when she recieved the call she broke down and cried out in public where no one knew why. And so she sobbed and sobbed while I she drove back home to find him lieing there seeming to be alive. But the touch was cold and his light was gone from his eyes. She knew in deep sorrow her puppy had died.
She remembered how he filled the void her father had left. How he protected her against the bullies from her school. He was always the one there with a shoulder to cry on and always cheering her on when she needed it most.
All though he is gone he is now with my father, and they both are together watching and guarding over us. He's still in my heart, he is still my puppy, my dog named Rover was the only dog who was ever so cool.
I love you Rover. And I miss you so much, this will be a very hard time for me but there are so many who miss you too. Here is a picture of the most amazing dog I've ever known.
He lived a long and wonderful life.
Keep Believing!
But he knew how to be gentle and how to be kind. He loved two cats who he guarded with his life. His owner he kept safe at night, always aware of what was going on outside. He was sad but to say that the little girl he loved had to move and live in a far away place. But yet she couldn't see him not for the last time, all she could say to him was over the phone. "I love you my puppy, you're the best dog of all. I know that you're strong and you'll be alright."
Yet when she recieved the call she broke down and cried out in public where no one knew why. And so she sobbed and sobbed while I she drove back home to find him lieing there seeming to be alive. But the touch was cold and his light was gone from his eyes. She knew in deep sorrow her puppy had died.
She remembered how he filled the void her father had left. How he protected her against the bullies from her school. He was always the one there with a shoulder to cry on and always cheering her on when she needed it most.
All though he is gone he is now with my father, and they both are together watching and guarding over us. He's still in my heart, he is still my puppy, my dog named Rover was the only dog who was ever so cool.
I love you Rover. And I miss you so much, this will be a very hard time for me but there are so many who miss you too. Here is a picture of the most amazing dog I've ever known.
He lived a long and wonderful life.
Keep Believing!
Monday, February 17, 2014
The desire to help others when they can't help themselves.
I feel like I'm not really here anymore, I feel like I'm gone that all I'm doing is struggling with my hands tied in front a gun ready to fire. To end all of my struggling, all of my working to make something change. The gun is all about my money.
Sigh, I don't want to make money without using it to help others in some way or another. It always sucks when I see how there are many who struggle like me. And yet seeing a difference in family or just even friends helping me in the end. I saw a girl about my age on a corner of a well known street in my town for people selling themselves for sex. I only had a few quarters and some fries but she told me she was grateful.
Later when I was at home I reached another breaking point, lately these attacks have started to come more often, but I've been so stubborn. I always look at myself in the mirror and know I could sell myself off for sex as well to make a living. Heck if I just took up the Casino's offers to be a gogo dancer and basically a hostess, I would be living very comfortably. But I don't want to live that life, because I've already tasted the tainted hands of men who lust only for sex.
I have grown so tired of the whole trying to get a boyfriend (let alone a husband) who would find joy in doing nothing but just sitting together on the bed and talking would be amazing. For my whole life I've been looked at for only my body, for so long I've only been told that my body was good. No guy ever said I just enjoy your personality, it was always oh you have such a nice body.
I've grown tired of seeing that, but on top of it I've grown tired of societies view on men. Society has basically said that men just can't control themselves. Well society if that is the case then I should be allowed to attack any guy just cause of his body correct? Oh but that's right I'm a woman I'm only to be acted upon and not to be the one who acts upon the man.
When I thought about that woman I knew that in some cases she may truly like it. It happens, but more often then not those people in the porn industry were sold away. Money can really buy anything when someone is desperate enough for it. I grow tired of trying to get my zazzle items to sell, to getting views on my YouTube channel. I don't make revenue on this blog unless I post a zazzle product and you buy it.
But I don't know how to make a profit. I was given a chance to become a stripper to make money and sometimes I get tempted to do that just to earn more so I can help those who need it. I'm tired of never having enough of not being able to convince anyone to check any of my videos out.
I want to continue writing but I feel so suffocated when I have to be paying off for so many things. I just want to be free I want to just live the life I've wanted. I just want to know that I'm not just an object, that I am someone of importance, that I am someone of worth!
I guess I have a LONG way to go before I can even live what I talk about. The whole belief thing on a better life, even I doubt it. How, how, can I just make a change!? I don't know, I feel trapped in a whirlwind so please forgive me if my blog becomes much more deep. I guess in the end I only know one thing...
KEEP BELIEVING.
This blog I'm going to be posting a video by one of my favorite YouTuber. As a heads up he does cuss, so if you don't like that you may not want to watch his other videos, but he is doing a charity event. Markiplier is his name on YouTube and I strongly urge you to even just donate a dollar it will make a HUGE difference. :) So check him out and help by donating. :D
Sigh, I don't want to make money without using it to help others in some way or another. It always sucks when I see how there are many who struggle like me. And yet seeing a difference in family or just even friends helping me in the end. I saw a girl about my age on a corner of a well known street in my town for people selling themselves for sex. I only had a few quarters and some fries but she told me she was grateful.
Later when I was at home I reached another breaking point, lately these attacks have started to come more often, but I've been so stubborn. I always look at myself in the mirror and know I could sell myself off for sex as well to make a living. Heck if I just took up the Casino's offers to be a gogo dancer and basically a hostess, I would be living very comfortably. But I don't want to live that life, because I've already tasted the tainted hands of men who lust only for sex.
I have grown so tired of the whole trying to get a boyfriend (let alone a husband) who would find joy in doing nothing but just sitting together on the bed and talking would be amazing. For my whole life I've been looked at for only my body, for so long I've only been told that my body was good. No guy ever said I just enjoy your personality, it was always oh you have such a nice body.
I've grown tired of seeing that, but on top of it I've grown tired of societies view on men. Society has basically said that men just can't control themselves. Well society if that is the case then I should be allowed to attack any guy just cause of his body correct? Oh but that's right I'm a woman I'm only to be acted upon and not to be the one who acts upon the man.
When I thought about that woman I knew that in some cases she may truly like it. It happens, but more often then not those people in the porn industry were sold away. Money can really buy anything when someone is desperate enough for it. I grow tired of trying to get my zazzle items to sell, to getting views on my YouTube channel. I don't make revenue on this blog unless I post a zazzle product and you buy it.
But I don't know how to make a profit. I was given a chance to become a stripper to make money and sometimes I get tempted to do that just to earn more so I can help those who need it. I'm tired of never having enough of not being able to convince anyone to check any of my videos out.
I want to continue writing but I feel so suffocated when I have to be paying off for so many things. I just want to be free I want to just live the life I've wanted. I just want to know that I'm not just an object, that I am someone of importance, that I am someone of worth!
I guess I have a LONG way to go before I can even live what I talk about. The whole belief thing on a better life, even I doubt it. How, how, can I just make a change!? I don't know, I feel trapped in a whirlwind so please forgive me if my blog becomes much more deep. I guess in the end I only know one thing...
KEEP BELIEVING.
This blog I'm going to be posting a video by one of my favorite YouTuber. As a heads up he does cuss, so if you don't like that you may not want to watch his other videos, but he is doing a charity event. Markiplier is his name on YouTube and I strongly urge you to even just donate a dollar it will make a HUGE difference. :) So check him out and help by donating. :D
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